Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Wednesday Is New 53 Minus 49 For All I Care #131

Aquaman #4 (2012)
Green Lantern Corps #4 (2012)
The Huntress #3 (2012)
Stormwatch #4 (2012)

Aquaman #4 (DC, 2011, $2.99)
I liked this better when it was called Aliens. Well, except without all the stuff with Bishop and Carter Burke and Newt and Vasquez and Hudson. Pretty much just the colonists and the colonial marines that died in the first encounter. Aquaman is Hicks and Mera is Ripley and the jerky cops are all Gorman and I guess the dog is Jonesy. Oh, and it's only about five minutes long, and ends when the ship picks Ripley up from the platform. Coming in 2012: The Power Loader!

Green Lantern Corps #4 (DC, 2011, $2.99)
Remember that old Stan Lee saying about how every comic is somebody's first? Pete Tomasi doesn't. See, this was my first issue of GLC since the Mongul arc from volume one. I don't think any of the corpsmen who were in that story turn up here. I don't know these guys. They raided some ninja dudes's planet, things go to crap, and one gets executed because John Stewart needed something else to feel guilty over. The ninja guys have something to do with GL power batteries, from what I gather. Whatever. Guy Gardner is Jack Bauer, torturing some dude that already looks dead up in his face. Martian Manhunter shows up from out of Tomasi's poop chute to get all mindrapey, including wiping Guy, who he's never met before. You know what kind of comics I don't need to read? Ones with nothing new or interesting to say except to tell me that all my funny JLI issues don't count anymore. Fuck you bitches, 'cuz I've got a few longboxes of that good shit, and they're the only reason I bought this turd.

The Huntress #3 (DC, 2011, $2.99)
Stop me if you've heard this one: Huntress in a foreign country, shooting trick crossbow bolts from hiding. She calls the reporter guy for exposition. She eavesdrops on conversations. She beats up random unimpressive goons. There's corruption in high places. The gangster bad guys leer at the innocent girls they traffic for sex. Huntress vows to stop them. Dude, you could have stopped me sentences ago. This isn't just every issue of this mini-series, but whole chunks of the video market for action movies in the heyday of VHS. It could be retro cool if it were sexy or funny or amusing bad-- anything but strictly perfunctory. A waste of a good character and really attractive art on endlessly spinning wheels.

Stormwatch #4 (DC, 2011, $2.99)
Paul Cornell kept telling everybody that all the wack-a-doo b.s. going on in this book would amount to something. Apparently, that something is the readership's collective sigh that the dude bails after #6. Not one-- not two-- but three gods pop out of boxes to tell plotlines from the first three issues to talk to the hand. "Those sixty pages you read earlier? That 'plot?' Nope. Stops right here." They're really tired contrivances too, like "Let's fill the energy guy up with enough energy to shoot super-energy that'll wipe out the bad guys in one fell swoop" and "Our secret bosses show up to fix everything." GTFO. Midnighter coming on to Apollo was less like all those cynical, sarcastic British techno-thrillers they're known for and more like the sorts of panels from '60s Young Romance comics Roy Lichtenstein would have swiped from. The rest of the paper doll version of the Authority just goes through the motions of a post-Morrison team book as written by an incompetent acolyte. Also, artist Miguel Sepulveda shows a Rob Liefeldian hatred of feet. Lacking the common courtesy to offer spontaneous manifestations of fog or smoke or dust clouds, Sepulveda just draws toes like Charles Schultz drew Charlie Brown's hair.

1 comment:

mathematicscore said...

Your hate is well deserved, across the board.


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