Friday, August 8, 2008

Ask's Top 99 Women 2007 Edition 100-50

So listen... that "2007" 2-parter from last weekend? That was actually 2006. My bad...

Ask Men the names of 30 women prettier than you... and you'll hopefully take heart in how stupid, lame, and insipid their responses are. Thought I was going to go somewhere cruel wit'cha? Sure I am! But as my companion, not my subject...

Will these ladies of '06 be returning...

Anna Kournikova: With Craig Kilborne off the air and her being legal now, I doubt it. Trivia Fact: Anna played tennis! Poorly!

Piper Perabo: Still cute, but unaccomplished.

Vanessa Marcil: Seems Ask Men forgot a girl no one else remembered in the first place.

Nicole Kidman: She'd better, even if she is increasingly waxy.

Bryce Dallas Howard: Eh.

Lucy Liu: Fingers crossed!

Vanessa Hessler: Vas?

Cameron Diaz: I'm not sure, but I'll mourn her passing.

Amanda Bynes: Once again, while I'm not sure she can drink legally, I'm sure she's reached age of consent. Without the pedophile camp behind her, I don;t see a return visit.

99) Ivanka Trump: From this breed stock? There isn't enough money. LOWER.

98) Diane Lane: Talk about well aged wine. I mean, I've pretty much ignored this woman's career for two decades worth of bimbo/love interest roles that Melanie Griffith passed on. Then along comes "Unfaithful," and suddenly she's the new Diane Keaton. I'm fine with that. Did you see "Unfaithful?" Hot enough that I actually paid to see "Must Love Dogs" in the theater, although the promised Lane/Cusack/Labrador threesome never materialized. HIGHER.

97) Erica Durance: Smallville's Lois Lane, with all the acting ability that would suggest. The Geek Brigade clearly had their say. Expert her to be replaced by Random Super-Hero Chick next year. LOWER.

96) Beth Ostrosky: A sex columnist that prudish and judgmental about sex? I expect Ruth Westheimer would be a better lay. LOWER.

95) Cassie: Who? She's apparantly a model that had a hit single last year and generic appeal the rest of her life. Yawn. LOWER.

94) Gabrielle Union: This one I know. I might know myself again later this week thinking about her. HIGHER.

93) Diora Baird: A large breasted blonde from sex comedies and slasher films? How original. LOWER.

92) Amerie: I was a little bummed my Google search didn't turn up pictures of a grinning, big eyed French girl, but I'll admit this R&B singer of mixed stock has eye appeal.

91) Jennifer Love Hewitt: Even if I didn't hate her for being one of the most disingenous figures in modern television and the cause of a major self-image identity crisis for Lacey Chabert, I'd question the blindness of AskMen for not recognizing her steady physical disintegration. I think she's younger than me, but you couldn't tell from looking. LOWER.

90) Kelis: "Milkshake" was cute-- four years ago. Kelis was cute-- as a baby, maybe? LOWER.

89) Alana de la Garza: I stopped watching television years ago, so her roles in top rated shows like CSI Miami and Law & Order mean squat to me. She's pretty, but I'd need more input.

88) Mayra Veronica: Big-tittied Univision star. No habla espaniol, but she looks willing to out-whore Vida Guerra with a better body. Also-- not a butterface like Vida. HIGHER.

87) Paz Vega: No new movies anyone wants watch this year and (to the best of my knowledge) no full-frontal nudity dropped her from last year's rank of 41. I can't hear that, as I keep hearing who striptease song from Sex y Lucia playing in my head. HIGHER. Like a LOT. 67.9% of respondents agree with me.

86) Cindy Margolis: She's still famous? Really? LOWER.

85) Dita Von Teese: Someone must have learned from that travesty of a listing last year, but Dita's entering the list so low is ridiculous. She's as hot as ever, and newly seperated (likely due to Manson's drinking, and she's not even looking for alimony.) She's such a keeper! HIGHER!!! Fuck those 65% of respondents who disagree with a studded strap-on!!!

84) Hilary fucking Duff: Dita, pop her cherry while you're at it. That's the only possible reason for a higher ranking. LOWER!!!

83) Zhang Ziyi: I can stop bitching about Dita now. I made it through 30 whole minutes of "Memoirs of a Geisha" just coasting on the memory of her in "Crouching Tiger." Then my pride and gag reflex kicked in, but I tried. HIGHER!

82) Candice Michelle: The WWE continues to lauch Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling like they do Action Movie Stars-- few if any remotely watchable. At least she's "hotter" than China. LOWER.

81) Mia Kirshner: Not a lesbian, but she eats muff on TV. The Black Dalia wished she looked so good. Y'know, before the whole bisecting thing. She's not really stressing over it anymore. HIGHER.

80) Anne Hathaway: The first of my "I Want To Meat" profile block girls! Already on the right path by appearing topless in two of her last three releases! Yee-haw! HIGHER.

79) Aisha Tyler: The black Jennifer Love Hewitt. I'd love to have said less, and needn't say more. LOWER.

78) Mallika Sherawat: What happens when you Jessica Alba the breasts of Salma Hayek, and accomplished it through curry. I don't know who she is, but I'm giving her a free pass anyway.

77) Rosario Dawson: Second "Meet Block" rep, similiarly undervalued. I can understand how you could miss her full-frontal in "Alexander" from 2005, although the clips are all over the internet. My problem is you're not acknowledging her magical mammary dance from Clerks 2. I demand a recount! HIGHER!!!

76) Jennifer MANiston: My point from above, made abundantly clear. LOWER. 71.4% of your respondents are blind/gay. She looks like Barbara Streisand, but without the charm and sex appeal.

75) Jennifer Lopez: Also still famous? For what exactly?

74) Jordana Brewster: The more attractive girl from Fast & The Furious, with worse taste in screenplays.

73) Megan Fox: Her bio says she's played the bad girl opposite Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen Twins. Somehow, worse taste in screenplays than Jordana Brewster, who was in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning.

72) Naureen Z.. Now we have the topless brunette from the Wedding Crashers. Still not convinced to rent.

71) Kristin Cavallari: I've been seeing her pop up half-nude on the web later, and just asked, "Who again?" She apparantly headlined on Laguna Beach and Nick Lachey's lap. Ew. LOWER.

70) Nicole Scherzinger: aka the only actual singer in the Pussycat Dolls. Don't Cha get sick of this conceited, oversexed bitch? LOWER.

69) Jennifer Esposito: She only dropped four spots from last year, which clearly shows that an editor on is in love with her. I agree that she's hot, but Spin City ended years ago, she left well beforehand, and then made Dracula 2000. Not the choicest resume.

68) Isla Fisher: A redhead willing to convert to Judaism to wed Sascha Borat Cohen? Free pass!

67) Bridget Moynahan: I just like saying the name. MOY-nah-han!

66) Carrie Underwood: My sentiments exactly! LOWER.

65) Torrie Wilson: Vince McMahan found someone remotely attractive, eh?

64) Vida Guerra: Covered. Figuratively, not literally. LOWER.

63) Vanessa Minnillo: TRL? People still watch TRL? I thought that went out with Tamagachi or Digimon or whatever. Plus, she's engaged to Nick Lachey? Does this mean Jessica Simpson won't have to pay the little bitch off? LOWER.

62) Sienna Miller: She was at number two last year, meaning this will have to be a better list since Jude Law and Daniel Craig aren't the judges. LOWER.

61) Jennifer Nicole Lee: Reigning Miss Bodybuilder America? This year's list suffers from Roid Rage. LOWER.

60) Fergie: Looks as good as her name. Doesn't Fergilicious sound like a scat video. LOWER.

59) Thandie Newton: A lot of the movie websites I visit revile her as a wooden actress, but my, what a billboard. I can't really think of a truly memorable Newton film since "Beloved," but even dreck like "The Trouble With Charlie" has been partially redeemed by my going, "so pretty..."

58) Cheryl Tweedy: Speaking in ignorance, I'm going to assume Britain's lousy taste in pop music holds true to date, and assume she's a low-rent Posh Spice. You read that right. I didn't know what a low-rent Posh Spice could possibly be, but I called it anyway. Emphasis on "it."

57) Kristin Kreuk: Would it be mean to say I'd still prefer Annette O'Toole as my Lana Lang, nearly twenty-five years after "Superman III?" I'm sure she's a nice enough girl, but when you come off as a blander Katie Holmes with similar acting chops, excuse me while I go MILF hunting.

56) Gwen Stefani: Y'know, I really liked "Love Angel Music Baby" when I thought it was a bombastic parody of pop music's gaudier trends of the last quarter century. While I still think its ginchy that she went from Prince pastiche to Missing Persons imitation, and managed to riff on both Salt-N-Peppa and L'Trimm as seperate entitites, but where is the sardonicism, people! Where is the embarassment? Why must I continue to be subjected to Harijuku Girls, L.A.M.B., and Britrock babydaddies still partying like its 1993? Now we've got big sunglasses and an even more overt rip-off of Debbie Harry? I tire of you! Begone!

55) Garcelle Beauvais: The hot chick from the Jamie Fox Show! Wait, hasn't Jamie Fox enjoyed a Hollywood career unencumbered by a WB sitcom for years now? And Hollywood been unencumbered by a WB Network for at least a season now? Garcelle, new agent?

54) Sienna Guillory: I knew the name was familiar, and possibly pretentiously foreign, but couldn't place it. Then I read the line "memorable turn in 2004's Resident Evil: Apocalypse." You mean the one without Michelle Rodriguez? The one that only featured Milla Jovovich naked, in profile, for one lousy scene? The only thing memorably good about that one was the Grand Theft Auto reference, and the only thing memorably bad was the Nemesis rubber suit. The latter looked like it should have been tearing apart downtown Tokyo fifty years ago. Hey wait-- the film was also memorable for that awful actress playing Jill Valentine even more poorly than the awful actress who played Jill Valentine in the video game. What was her name again?

53) Mandy Moore: I really want to like Mandy Moore. She's not featherbrained trailer trash like former rival Britney Spears, or brainless Southern-fried suburbanite sluts the Simpsons. She isn't as in-you-face as P!nk or Christina Aguilera, but she doesn't have Linda Perry writing songs for her, either. She seems "clean," without being a bitch like Hilary Duff. She even did a covers album that featured decent songs worth revisiting. So why don't I like her more? Maybe because her vocal talents are roughly equivalent or beneath those I mentioned earlier, her choices in acting roles are middling, and she's just generally not that interesting. But she seems so nice, and she was the first of the modern mallrat vocalists to go brunette, so I'll continue to root for her in a half-assed way.

52) Keira Knightly: Dropped from 35 on last year's list, and I can understand why. While I can understand taking pride in being the, what was that pull quote again, "sexiest tomboy beanpole on the planet," there are limits. I believe she's well into her twenties now, so it's okay to have "curves." There should perhaps be more to seperate your breasts and your crotch than ribs from out of one of those old cartoons where the Big Bad Wolf hasn't eaten a piggy in months. At this point, it's not okay to have played in a movie where your character died from bulemic complications, and look skinnier. Eat a cheeseburger. Take Jessica Biel's ass as a body model, rather than Jennifer Gardner's cheekbones. You're a pretty girl. Live a little.

51) Alena Seredova: Another reality check for Keira-- you've been one-upped by a Czech fitness icon. Do you know what Czechs have become famous for since the fall of Communism? White slavery! Bad sex comedies! Big-breasted young girls who's bust is more prounounced due to their lack of access to food! No Keira, I'm not saying you need implants to compete. I'm saying you need to watch "Superstar, the Karen Carpenter Story." Also, Meryl Streep movies, because your accent work is pretty lousy.

50) Lindsay Lohan: Keira! See! Lindsay "Skanktacular" Lohan! The one with the beat-up pussy! She ranks higher than you? Why? She stopped snorting quite as much coke as Paris Hilton, and began on the road to owning her own body. When she's not giving it away to every Tom, Dick, and Harry, I mean. Just tell me, did Jeremy Piven hit that? Piv-- buddy, tell me you wore a Johnny Hat. She shaves, so there's a while other reason she's known as "Fire Crotch." Does it burn when you go potty?

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