Thursday, October 11, 2007

NEW CAP! Like New Coke, but shinier...


"Okay-- so first we kill Steve Rogers..."

"Given."

"But we've already brought Bucky back with a hardcore retcon intact, so the audience is primed for him as a well-armed replacement..."

"No pun intended."

"Right, well... It's Marvel, so that's assumed. Anyway, we give him a sleek, stylized new version of the costume..."

"Yeah, Cap's always had a shit costume. We keep trying to change it to better reflect the times, but for some reason it never takes."

"Well clearly black's the way to go. Even Gruenwald knew that. Whole point of that story he did in the 80's.

"The one with Scourge?"

"Afterward. He spent over two years making it clear what the world needed was a modern Cap with guns and attitude, but The Man shut him down."

"That's a long time for an 80's comic. We could spend two years just setting up a story that major."

"I know, right? So anyway, now Cap's got guns, pouches for whatever random shit he needs to carry, a bionic arm..."

"Wait, we've got licensing to consider. We should keep most of the basic mask design, the wings at his temples, the gigantic "A" on his forehead..."

"NO! That totally ruins the streamlined uniformity of his, like, uniform. That's like when they took the Legion of Super-Heroes out of their wicked sweet 90's gear a couple years ago and made them all retro and distinctive."

"We've got to compromise here for market identification. Tell you what, we can give him floppy Superboy gloves and finally cover his ears. He could totally fit into Youngblood with gear that rockin'."

"I guess. Can we at least get Alex Ross on covers, to turn all the flat colors all metallic and shit, like he always does."

"Oh sure. We can afford him now that he won't have to paint all those goddamned shingles John Cassaday turned everyone on to."

"Steve Epting still gets cold sweats just hearing the word 'shingle,' and he didn't even have to deal with them much when he was on Aquaman. Y'know, I miss the harpoon."

"Well hell, with the inevitable bounce back to DC, you could bring that back in a few years."

"Yeah, but it's fucking Aquaman."

"Fuck Aquaman, right?"

"Right in the ass! Hah! Clever!"

4 comments:

the4thpip said...

...and then they ended up putting the Puerto Rican flag on his chest. Que no!

Frank Lee Delano said...

Y'know, that wouldn't bug me if a Puerto Rican were in the suit. I was following the trades, but once it sunk in Bucky really was back, I lost my appetite. Let's replace my beloved if whitebread Steve Rogers with his equally whitebread but suddenly kewl sidekick, previously dead longer than most readers have been alive. How about not?

If nothing else, the social satire inherent in a Puerto Rican Cap in our current climate would have made the whole debacle worthwhile. So long as he didn't talk like Vibe or something. Hell, even if...

Mark Lance said...

You don't fuck with the fucking Aquaman. He's the coolest fucking superhero ever. He's fucking awesome. He's the fucking Aquaman, who commands respect.

Diabolu said...

Just in case there was any confusion, this post was a hypothetical conversation between two cynical fuckwits. Unlike most of comicdom, I'm still pissed that Bucky Barnes is back, and acting as Cap in that shitty costume.

Certain Mulligan or not, you do not give Aquaman back his hand after sixteen years, then chop it off five minutes later.. Chop off Hawkman's fucking hand instead, then let him get resurrected five minutes later with a replacement. It makes Aquaman look like he deserves the mutilation, because he can't keep his fucking hand attached to himself.

...nurghophiles...

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