Love That Bob

"The Church of the SubGenius is a "parody religion" organization that satirizes religion, conspiracy theories, unidentified flying objects, and popular culture. Originally based in Dallas, Texas, the Church of the SubGenius gained prominence in the 1980s and 1990s and maintains an active presence on the Internet."-Wikipedia

Anybody else miss "Night Flight?"

1991 Miller Lite "Then, Now, and Forever" Commercial

I'm finally going through a batch of VHS to DVD transfers I did years ago of material dating back to the early '90s. Since I was poor, video quality is usually lacking, and the YouTube library makes a lot of my stuff redundant. Still, as I go through it and check to see if there's cause to upload any of it, I figured I'd share here. This commercial spans decades of pop cultural fashion/music history through the then cutting edge morphing technology (now most the domain of Syfy original movies.)

The Wrong Trousers (1993)

I had hoped to knock out a Wednesday review column tonight, but it got late, and I was tied up by, among other things, introducing my girlfriend to Feathers McGraw. While she was away on vacation, I brought my stuffed doll out of storage, and felt she deserved a proper acquaintance. Below is the excellent half-hour stop motion film The Wrong Trousers, winner of the 1993 Academy Award for Animated Short Film. It's a lovely bit of noir, but with a penguin and robotic pants. If you haven't seen this yet, it's about time you rectified the matter.

Aquaman WB series fan intro and Dr. Katz skit

I'm a guy who stopped swimming for the most part in my early teens, hate the beach, and typically stick with showers-- but likes Aquaman. Well, I liked to swim as a kid, and I'd spend hours in the tub with my action figures, so maybe if I could get my He-Man groove on again... Anyway, Aquaman's like the patron super-hero of unfulfilled potential/inadequacy-- a character everyone knows of but few give enough of a shit about to ridicule. If you've read the comics, you might know he's also manic-depressive, passive-aggressive, and has lived one of the worst lives possible for a crime fighter. Not only was his WB pilot not picked up, but it wasn't even called "Aquaman." Available on ITunes for $2, "Mercy Reef" was named for the place where Aquaman's family left him to die as an infant because his blonde hair was seen as a curse. See, queen mom had an adulterous affair with an ancient sorcerer, and Aquaman survived to be raised by dolphins-- look, it's complicated. Point being, I like Aquaman, and it sucks to be him, so today's Aquaman appreciation day. Sure, the first video is of Dave Chapelle ripping on him, and the second is an unauthorized fan generated opening sequence for the nonexistant TV series, but its all done with love.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog (2008)

During the Writer's Guild Strike of 2008, Joss Whedon produced a 41 minute web only musical dramedy about the romantic and professional hurdles of an aspiring super-villain. It stars Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion and Felicia Day, and was broken up into three acts...

The Short Films of Takena Nagao

Gory and otherwise provocative claymation stop motion shorts heavily influenced by Romero, Raimi, Hooper, Zombie and Tarantino.

Chainsaw Maid:


Bloody Date:


Pussycat:

The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon (2008)

The Short Version? Slo-Kill w/Spoon
What Is It? Horror Comedy.
Who Is In It? Nobody.
Should I See It? Yes.



Official Release-- Enjoy!!! Please Rate! SUBSCRIBE for more to come!

COMING SOON TO DVD: The mind-shattering Horribly Slow Murderer EXTENDED CUT!!!

http://www.richard-gale.com for details.
Winner of 12 Film Festival Awards!

Produced, Written and Directed by Richard Gale

Cast:
Jack Cucchiaio........Paul Clemens
The Murderer...........Brian Rohan
The Mystic...............Fay Kato
The Girlfriend...........Melissa Paladino
The Doctor...............Mike Kacey
Narrator....................Richard Gale

Music by Christopher Brady

Special Makeup FX by Dean Jones and Paul Clemens

Details at http://www.richard-gale.com

imdb page: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1301160/

The Adventures of Mark Twain & The Mysterious Stranger

Background:
From around 1890 until his death in 1910, Mark Twain made numerous attempts at writing a story about morality and the failings of the human race. The first version to see print was titled The Mysterious Stranger, A Romance by Twain biographer Albert Bigelow Paine. After Paine's death, it was discovered that he had actually collapsed several of Twain's unpublished efforts into one, heavily re-editing and re-contextualizing the material. These other unpolished or unfinished variations include The Chronicle of Young Satan; No. 44, the Mysterious Stranger: Being an Ancient Tale Found in a Jug and Freely Translated from the Jug; and Schoolhouse Hill, the latter involving Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer. Several film versions of these projects have come into being, including Will Vinton's 1985 stop motion The Adventures of Mark Twain, also called Comet Quest. The above is a clip from the claymation effort, in which Twain, Huckleberry, Sawyer and Becky Thatcher meet Satan. When it aired on cable-TV's The Disney Channel, this sequence was excised.

Perversion for Profit (1965)

In 1965, Charles Keating and Citizens for Decent Literature, Inc. produced Perversion for Profit, a propaganda film railing against pornography. The unintended result was a campy permanent archive of fetish material of the era that has been embraced by the alternative sorts meant to be condemned. It now resides in the public domain, and can be downloaded for free here. The full film is embedded on this page, as are two sarcastic "remixes" that turn narrator George Putnam into a shill for smut.





Come Join The Fun!


George Putnum: Things I'm Into

1989 Pepsi/Madonna "Make A Wish/Like A Prayer" Ad

The infamous "Like A Prayer" music video controversy crushed this charming commercial spot, the full details of which can be found here



"Like A Prayer" by Madonna
Written By: Madonna, Patrick Leonard
Released: February 28, 1989
Album: Like A Prayer
Single?: #1 International hit, in 2004 was Rolling Stone Magazine's #300 Greatest Song of All Time.



Lyrics:

Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like home

[Chorus:]
When you call my name it's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power
Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there

I hear your voice, it's like an angel sighing
I have no choice, I hear your voice
Feels like flying
I close my eyes, Oh God I think I'm falling
Out of the sky, I close my eyes
Heaven help me
[ Find more Lyrics on www.mp3lyrics.org/m6 ]

[Chorus]

Like a child you whisper softly to me
You're in control just like a child
Now I'm dancing
It's like a dream, no end and no beginning
You're here with me, it's like a dream
let the choir sing

[Chorus]

Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there
Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery
Just like a dream, you are not what you seem
Just like a prayer, no choice your
voice can take me there

Just like a prayer, I'll take you there
It's like a dream to me

President Bush's Anti-Zombie Budget

I finally got ahold of my long elusive "D" drive files, but due to internal errors, the extrication was a messy bit of business. As I'm forced to spend the coming months sorting it all out, and I've been AWOL here for a week, expect dated shit like this for a while.

SFX Magazine's 50 Greatest Superheroes Poll

Billed as the Earth's greatest science fiction magazine, what SFX really proves is that the British have no more goddamned taste than the rest of us. I will be rude and piggy, so do gird your loins for homomisogynanglophobia.

• 50: She-Hulk Whom I like, but not so sure about "top 50 like."
• 49: Cyclops Who I never liked, but respect. Ish.
• 48: Elektra Who has not been relevant since about 1989.
• 47: Hawkman Who I still kind of like, but whom the continuity bugfuckery and constant alterations have damned near ruined. Some more.
• 46: Iceman Who is fucking Iceman, the lamest Amazing Friend, because at least Firestar kept her snatch in the front.
• 45: Midnighter Who is a queer bondage fiend Batman analogue/Warren Ellis Mary Sue.
• 44: Colossus Who never had "it," but is an alright sort.
• 43: Madrox Who has come a damned long way from the Fallen Angels, let me tell you.
• 42: Northstar a.k.a. gay Namor. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
• 41: The Question Who was exemplary in every Vic Sage incarnation. The dyke doesn't do it for me, but at least she's representing, so even she rates inclusion.
• 40: Emma Frost Wow, a generic femme fatale with a common mutie power. Here's a fuck you from me to Morrison.
• 39: Marvelman/Miracleman: Yeah, okay. You guys are limeys. I get that.
• 38: Scarlet Witch is a fucking mess. When she isn't a whiny, indecisive tittybaby she's a crazy murderous bitch. But hey, she's still twice as useful as Zatanna in most situations.
• 37: Spawn Look, he's an African-American super-hero whose sold millions of comics, is owned by his creator, with an enormous toy line, a cartoon, and a movie. Please forgive the spikes, chains, guns, and maudlin wheel spinning.
• 36: The Punisher Who is Mack Bolan in drag, but fuck it. He's O.G.
• 35: The Spirit Who I try to regard, but it never quite comes.
• 34: The Silver Surfer Who works much better as an icon than a character, but at least that's happening.
• 33: Captain America Who is too low, because he was socking Hitler in the yap while you ungrateful snaggletoothed motherfuckers were sucking on jerry bombs.
• 32: V Because once again, you people eat blood pudding.
• 31: Doctor Manhattan Who signals friggin' Rorschach is imminent. Get off Moore's jock, would you?
• 30: Zenith Who needs to be re-reprinted, so I can make my own judgment.
• 29: Doctor Strange Because he's the pimp, and you people just don't know.
• 28: Morpheus Who is a fine storytelling device, but no great shakes as a character.
• 27: The Tick Who is just Ambush Bug marketed correctly, but I shouldn't be hatin'.
• 26: John Constantine Who really is the tits.
• 25: The Thing Who is too high, but belongs hereabouts.
• 24: The Vision Who is random as hell, but a'ight.
• 23: Kitty Pryde My first comic book crush, so don't you say nothing about my sweetie.
• 22: Hawkeye Who despite tons of effort on DC's part, is still a better character than Green Arrow.
• 21: Rogue Who I never cared about, but I acknowledge her widespread appeal. Also, I'd love to spread Anna Paquin wide, so there's that.
• 20: Rorschach I knew it! Eat more penis, you bloody bastards! You've already got the Question, prats!
• 19: Nightcrawler Is in the top 20, because you don't know what hole to shit out of. I like Kurt, but he belongs in She-Hulk territory.
• 18: Beast Mutie-loving commie liberal pinko sonsofbitches.
• 17: Gambit I'm going to blow everyone's mind and confess I still kind of think Gambit is okay, and doesn't deserve all the shit thrown his way. Now move to the back of the bus, Cajun.
• 16: Green Arrow You can't have two archers in the top 50, and since Ollie Queen stole his personality from Clint Barton, I tend to make mine Marvel. Also, Judd Winick never wrote Hawkeye.
• 15: The Flash Who officially has the most boring super-power in my personal estimation. Written correctly, none should compare, which means he's never written correctly. Runsfastman FTL.
• 14: Wonder Woman Speaking of poor writing... but I live the Amazing Amazon, inconsistencies and idiocies inclusive. Top 10 would have been nice.
• 13: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Who never wowed me, and grates after the WW slight, but has earned her spot.
• 12: Thor Who is a dude with a hammer, and excepting John Henry, that's always a torture scenario for me. Power by meh.
• 11: Hellboy Who is basically the Thing fighting more monstrous monsters. It's all on Mignola.
• 10: Hulk Who smashes, from what I understand.
• 9: Daredevil For a poor man's Spider-Man, he's really done good over the years. A triumph of craft over concept, though his origin was always decent.
• 8: Deadpool The single most creatively bankrupt character of all time. I burn with hatred for this idiot. I wish a hairy mole on all who voted for him.
• 7: Captain Britain
BWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!! I don't care about Alans Moore and Davis, this guy was always our little prank on you people. I'm not current on the exchange rate-- how many pence exactly does it take to equal a clue?
• 6: Green Lantern As a concept, and whilst on a career high, I'll begrudgingly accept this. In Hal Jordan's name? A raspberry, good sir!
• 5: Iron Man
One of my best pal's favorites, and I love Robert Downey Jr. That's all I've got to give with this old heart of mine.
• 4: Wolverine
One of my favorites... when I was 9. I grew up and out of my aggression issues. Could some more of you?
• 3: Superman
Sometimes works for me, and is sometimes near the top of my shit list. I'm surprised he still plays so well across the pond.
• 2: Spider-Man is someone I liked and got over before Wolverine. He's a classic, with wide appeal, which explains my apathy.
• 1: Batman is to the British as David Hasselhoff is to the Germans-- they love him! The numbingly obvious choice.

My question: where is your national pride, UK? Judge Dredd? Strontium Dog? Dan Dare? Nemesis the Warlock? Marshal Law? Why hath you been forsaken?

A Frank Review of "Texas Chain Saw Massacre: The Shocking Truth" (2000)

The Short Version? Doc on shock.
What Is It? Documentary.
Who Is In It? Cast and crew.
Should I See It? Yes.

Part 1: Introduction (NSFW)


Blue Underground put together this recollection of the making and impact of Massacre in 2000, and it has since been released as part of Dark Sky Films' 2-Disc Ultimate Edition of the original picture. It's a pretty solid set of intercut interviews with most of the cast and creators behind the picture. It is in that area that Shocking earns its recommendation, as the subjects are especially candid, sometimes catty, and well worth your time. There are such curious, informative, amusing, and nauseating anecdotes that fans of the film will eat up, how could I not?

It is in the additional materials I find fault. Narrator Matthew Bell is plainly trying too hard to recreate John Larroquette's tone in reading the text scrawl from the original film, and his forced delivery grates where it appears. There's an attempt early on to create an historical context for the piece, with reference to the crimes of Ed Gein and a consideration of the trailblazing Night of the Living Dead. The doc then fails to acknowledge the influence of Psycho, the work of Herschell Gordon Lewis, nor any other obvious antecedents to Tobe Hooper's film besides Last House on the Left. Instead of the cultural critics, sociologists and noteworthy directors who often pop up in these types of documentaries, outside those involved in the original film, there's no one remotely noteworthy. A couple of horror directors of negligible films fawning is the closest the doc comes.

There's a lot of random period footage from Texas, in no clear way connected to the actual production, and some other awful stylized junk the doc director inflicts every once in a while. During a sequence detailing the longstanding ban of the film in the UK, wholly inappropriate footage of Nazi rallies and book burnings run. It's obnoxious.

So again, the interviews make this documentary, as the extras are more tumorous than of added value, but when weighed in the balance it is not found wanting. The whole documentary is available free on YouTube (well, as of this writing, anyway.) So long as it remains so, you can view it through the embedded screens below...

Part 2: Conception, Pre-Production, and Making (NSFW)


Part 3: Special Effects, Set Design, etc. (NSFW)


Part 4: The Dinner Scene and other painful shooting (NSFW)


Part 5: Post-Production, Distribution, Release, and the Mafia (NSFW)


Part 6: Reception & Sequels (NSFW)


Part 7 More Sequels, Sabotage and Conclusion (NSFW)

101 Best Movie Posters Commentary

I was informed via email that the Only Good Movies blog/site had used my negative review of The Shining as the featured link for their entry of the movie on their 101 Best Movie Posters countdown. I'd never heard of these guys, but they asked nicely for a callback link, and they offer brief movie reviews, while I've got posting gaps to fill here. Therefore, a commentary on their countdown, and likely irregular inclusion in my new Linkypeux section. Follow the link above to actually view the posters and read their reasoning.

101. The Son of the Sheik: Fairly erotic for a silent picture. Motion picture, I mean. If static figures talk to you, put down the greeting card or seek professional help.
100. Mr. and Mrs. Smith (2005): Simple, but I've always liked the use of negative space here.
99. Scream: Terrible choice here. Generic as hell.
98. Terminator 2: Ahnold on a bike with a shotgun on my nerves.
97. King Kong (1933): Offhand, I can't think of a bad Kong poster, as they pretty much all feature a gigantic agitated gorilla, a hot blond, and phallic imagery. I think I prefer the '70s poster though, if only for the nostalgia from its appearance in many of my earliest comic books.
96. Papillon: Awesome. This was at a video store I worked at, and this art never failed to catch my eye.
95. Taxi Driver: Never really did it for me. I prefer the mirror shot.
94. The Rocky Horror Picture Show: We've discussed this.
93. Tootsie: Not bad. Never wowed.
92. The Blair Witch Project: Love it or hate it, you've got to admit this poster is not only iconic, but the text still takes hold of your imagination.
91. Escape from Alcatraz: Eastwood has been blessed with some excellent posters in his day. Just look at The Gauntlet alone.
88. Punisher: Yeah, one of the Bradstreet numbers. No, please.
90. Pretty Woman: So very '90s, but damned if it doesn't work.
89. Swingers: Forced perspective FTW.
87. The Man Who Fell to Earth: It's Bowie. 'Nuff said.
86. Evil Dead 2: They chose the first and my favorite of many options.
85. The Mummy (1932): Ohhh, yeah!
84. Clockwork Orange: Not the version you're thinking of, but still great.
83. Alcatraz Island: Never seen it before, but gorgeous art.
82. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: You know you wanna shudder.
81. Bringing Out the Dead: An underrated film whose DVD cover needed this striking image.
80. Spider-Man: I hate these heavily shopped autumnal duds.
79. City Lights: That's just plain art, poster or otherwise.
78. The Untouchables: This one has been lifted for lots of other films for a reason.
77. Matrix: Very memorable and instantly identifiable, yet still kinda stiff and shitty.
76. Freddy vs. Jason: vs. entertainment.
75. La Dolce Vita: My subjective opinion is irrelevant. This is objectively stunning.
74. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: This looks like a Mad Magazine Fold-In. It reveals Al Jaffe's anus.
73. I was a Teenage Frankenstein: Weird. Not bad, but weird.
72. Andy Warhol’s Bad: Did I stroke to this in my youth? It looks like a Penthouse Forum illustration.
71. Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!: Excellent! Brand new/you're retro.
70. The Italian Job (1969): The O.G.
69. The Flower of My Secret: Unfamiliar, but good.
68. Pink Floyd The Wall: Another one that unnerved the shit out of me as a kid.
67. The Howling: Nice pairing with The Wall. Nowhere near as effective, but still solid.
66. Airplane: Goofy, but that's the point.
65. For Your Eyes Only: Ohhhh, yeah. See Andy Warhol’s Bad above. The British quad is even better.
64. Rocketeer: They show off the excellent teaser poster, much better than the theatrical version.
63. Ghostbusters: Who you gonna call indeed!
62. High Plains Drifter: Eastwood again. Still The Man. I'd also take this one over any of the Leone flicks.
61. Oceans 11 (1960): Nifty French version.
60. World Trade Center: Too on the nose.
59. Marlene: Nice.
58. Halloween: You know the one. The pumpkin knife. Aw yeah.
57. The Shawshank Redemption: Solid, but never wowed me.
56. M.A.S.H.: A justified classic!
55. Mississippi Burning: A new variation to me. A bit too "slasher film," but the floating heads and flaming crosses general edition isn't very interesting, either.
54. Office Space: Not great, not lousy.
53. Frankenstein (1931): Duuuude!
52. Metropolis: I've seen a number of posters for this film, none bad. The movie makes me sleepy, but the visual inspiration is A-1.
51. Dirty Harry: Eastwood again. The tagline is retarded, but the picture works.
50. Dinosaur: Ugh. See gee eye.

You'll have to click the link to see the rest, which are typically more solid than the ones here. There's two more Eastwoods, thought they get repetitive with the big guns. Rock a little Every Which Way But Loose or something. Also, the justifiably forgotten Brando version of Island of Dr. Moreau in the top five is bug fuck crazy talk. The top two bear this out.

Sorry Folks...

Computer Problems. No posts this evening. Hopefully back online tomorrow. Love you. Visit one of these lovely recommened blogs in the meantime:

...nurgh...
The Absorbascon
The Aquaman Shrine
The Atom
Being Carter Hall
Blinded Me With Comics
Bully Says: Comics Oughta Be Fun!
Coming Super-Attractions!
Crimson Lightning
datajunkie
Dispatches from The Arrowcave
El Jacone's Comic Book Bunker
Firestorm Fan
Gone & Forgotten
The IDOL-HEAD of DIABOLU, a Martian Manhunter blog
Occasional Superheroine
Pretty, Fizzy Paradise
THIS IS WHY I HATE YOU
when is evil cool?

Shove A Meme Up Your Myspace, Blogger Bretheren

I haven't logged onto MySpace since mid-January, and not regularly in nearly a year. I don't have a Facebook account. I will not Twitter. I am an anti-social, overly-opinionated fuckwit with bad hair and a slight overbite. This being the case, I don't understand why anyone should care about trivial details of my miserable, hateful existence, much less wish to form some sort of self-destructive misanthrope community at my side. Yet, folks will send me viral "awards," include me in memes, and generally compromise the The Lord God's Intended Purpose for blogs-- to keep Blogger "types" off street corners, announcing the coming apocalypse with our sandwich board signs, spewing with vomitous breath about how George Lucas raped our childhood.

That being the case, good writers are well-read, and good bloggers follow a similar if comparatively fallow trajectory. In hopes of introducing others to blogs I like, I will deign to introduce them here...

1. when is evil cool?: Chris Bankrobber reminds me of Vern at AICN... plays at being rough around the edges while discussing alternative media, but is really very clever and precise. He's great about getting at the heart of his praise/complaint and grabbing your interest without rambling. It helps we're into a lot of the same stuff to boot, though he can be blamed for this post, so there's that.
2. Occasional Superheroine: This is a popular comic/geek culture blog I've followed for a few years, even though I kind of hate it a whole lot. Valerie D'Orazio is one of those women who's great at winning sympathy by painting a portrait from her viewpoint, until you realize how self-important, myopic, compromised, "victimized," and generally shrill she can be. So this has gone from a blog I followed in the "oh, that poor girl with the broken vagina terribly abused by the industry," days to "gee, what's that nakedly opportunistic, deluded Brontë character going to whine about today?" It's fun to watch the wimps vs. the trolls, though, and Val reads way more comic columns than I do, so she's not completely useless.
3. Pretty, Fizzy Paradise: Kalinara is the anti-Val, sidestepping a cult of personality in favor of a clubhouse. There's a lot of fluff pieces about deeply flawed television and movies to sort through, but where she really shines is in probing and insightful explorations of characterization in serial fiction. Kalinara has blown my mind a time or two by coming at a fictional persona from a perspective I never considered, validating even the worst writing by forming a gestalt impression of a character that makes perfect sense.
4. The Absorbascon: Scipio is another blogger with skills I admire, as he applies Ivy League education to the juvenile comics medium, specializing in DC and Golden/Silver Age material. He's also one of the rare bloggers who can make me laugh out loud. However, he can also be very snide and dismissive of contrary opinions (especially the faintest hint of Marvel Comics,) so he's also one of the more infuriating personalities I intentionally encounter.
5. Deep Fried: Jason Yungbluth completely immoral comics were fantastically funny in their heyday, and his political blogging helped me drown out my sorrows during the Bush Administration.
6. Egotastic!: Because after a hard day of geek blogging, you sometimes have to unwind by reading gossip about reality show tools and masturbate to B-list celebrities naked.

Okay, I was instructed to offer six, so there you go.

A Frank Review of "The Wrestler" (2008)

The Short Version? WWE leftover's last days.
What Is It? Drama.
Who's In It? Mickey Rourke,
Marisa Tomei
Should I See It? Yes.

The Wrestler is a funny movie. I don't mean funny ha-ha, though it has its moments, but in how it's being received. You see, I became a Darren Aronofsky fan after seeing "The Fountain," which most found maudlin. "Pi" was interesting, but the critically-acclaimed "Requiem for a Dream" left me shaking my head. So now I've seen the director's latest work, which is almost universally well received, and I just think it's okay. The film reminds me of every other silly sports movie about a grizzled old veteran reaching for the brass ring one last time. Also, The Wrestler is one of the few films Aronofsky didn't write for himself. Even while peering into the lives of the doomed junkies in "Requiem," Aronofsky always seemed empathetic towards his subjects. Here, there's a pervasive sense of satire, as though Aronofsky is mocking his characters with the utmost sincerity. The film is also shot handheld, where Aronofsky's work was growing increasingly more pristine and calculated. The look works for the project, but between its shooting style, '80s callbacks, and subject matter, I'm reminded more of the documentary Bigger, Stronger, Faster* than anything.

Mickey Rourke continues to remind audiences of what they saw in him before his long downward spiral into self-parody. His plastic features even serve him for once, as it perfectly suits his character. Marisa Tomei plays the stripper with the heart of gold, still trying to retroactively earn her supporting Oscar. God bless her still very tight body, on full display, by the way. Even Rachael Wood plays the wayward daughter, bringing a lot of weight to what amounts to a handul of scenes and an under written part. Everyone performs, but they're in a darker and sexier than average Disney career revival flick. It's a crowd-pleaser, but challenging? Artful? Not so much.

Added bones: Mickey Rourke's hilarious, NSFW '09 Spirit Awards Acceptance Speech for Best Male Lead...

Polish Movie Posters

Polish movie posters first came to my attention through a series of novelty articles at CHUD. Therein, the editors would take a picture from a Google image search and assign it a movie title, in an attempt to compete with the seeming randomness found in the Polish works. Through excellent reference pages such as this and this, I came to understand that the iconic poster art associated with the Socialist movement bled into their state-sponsored film industry. As noted on Mekatharra, "Polish posters for American films exhibit that rare trait of having absolutely no interest in marketing a film in a conventional way. In other words, a Polish film poster is first and foremost an abstract piece of artwork. This can be both fascinating and sometimes a bit disturbing at the same time." Thanks to Socialism, there were few if any commercial considerations regarding film, providing artists with another avenue of expression, as opposed to our inclination to sell an audience with the same devices to turn a safe profit.



The golden years apparently began in the mid-'50s, through the beginning of a slow, steady decline in the '60s. The movement was effectively dead by 1989, thanks to the fall of the Soviet Union. A Pole who lived during this era noted in a blog, "The posters often revealed the designer's lack of knowledge of cultural movie context which was kind of funny. But a lot of these were based on clever ideas shortly and precisely describing a movie that'd give a poster a life of it's own."



Here is a collection of some favorites I've found while visiting sites like Retrocrush, Polish Poster Gallery, The Art of Poster, Polish Poster Shop and Cinema Poster. At times you can make a game out of trying to determine in what way the images relate to their associated movie, but each is worth a gander for art's sake. I also recommend taking a look at the above links, to see how some of your favorite films came out Polished.

Empire's 50 Greatest Comic Book Characters

In my continued spoilage of these overlong list columns, I now present Empire Magazine Online's 50 Greatest Comic Book Characters. For those unfamiliar, Empire has been the film magazine of choice of the U.K. since about 1989, and their list is decidedly Brit-centric. I'd say it's also eccentric, and doubt there was a large pool of authorities gathered in compiling this list. Still, it's more interesting than the usual Wizard crap, even if they somehow not only let Venom on the list, but ranked him just above Dr. Strange. Shite! On the other hand, notables like Usagi Yojimbo, Cerebus, and the Tick deserve more attention like this.

50) Spawn
49) Captain Haddock
48) Harvey Pekar
47) Apollo and Midnighter
46) J. Jonah Jameson
45) Deadpool
44) Jenny Sparks
43) Astro Boy
42) The Saint of Killers
41) Green Lantern
40) Scott Pilgrim
39) The Mekon
38) Cerebus the Aardvark
37)Daredevil
36) Agent Graves
35) Hellboy
34) Dr. Strange
33) Venom
32) Lex Luthor
31) Usagi Yojimbo
30) Emma Frost, the White Queen
29) Swamp Thing
28) The Tick
27) Johnny Alpha of Strontium Dog
26) Violent Marv (Sin City)
25) Dr. Doom
24) Deena Pilgrim (Powers)
23) Obelix (Asterix)
22) Hunter Rose (Grendel)
21) Captain America
20) Wonder Woman
19) The Punisher
18) Halo Jones
17) Iron Man
16) Rorschach
15) Death of The Endless
14) The Incredible Hulk
13) Vladek Spiegelman (Maus)
12) Spider Jerusalem
11) Jesse Custer (Preacher)
10) The Thing
09) Magneto
08) The Joker
07) Judge Dredd
06) Morpheus/Dream of The Endless
05) Spider-Man
04) Wolverine
03) John Constantine (Hellblazer)
02) Batman
01) Superman

My Top Five F'd-Up Movies of the Moment

Between Netflix halfway getting its shit together and a sudden urge this week, I got to get my cinephile on. I received "Singapore Sling" in the mail, which allows me to produce an impromptu list of my most fucked-up viewing experiences off the top of my head. Do note that this list is subject to change, and beware of spoilers-o-plenty...

5) Cannibal Holocaust: The original "Blair Witch Project," which was so compelling in its pseudo-documentary style that Italian officials tried to have the director arrested for murder. While that charge was meritless, actual animal cruelty does come into play. A swine appears to be shot dead on screen, a possum painfully gutted, and a giant turtle is decapitated and disemboweled. Several women are "raped," one with a stake-- which is later used to beat her to death, just another of many "murders." A woman is subjected to an involuntary abortion, men have their penises severed, and all manner of body parts are treated as cuisine. In spite of all this, the film is curiously low-key and oddly smug.

WARNING! NOT SAFE FOR WORK! CONTAINS NUDITY AND EXTREME VIOLENCE!



4) Singapore Sling: A quasi-sequel to the noir classic "Laura," but despite being filmed in black & white, no one could ever confused this with classic cinema. We've got "erotic" electroshock treatments, seemingly legitimate sexualized regurgitation, faked golden shower/g-spot orgasm, incest, extensive bondage, torture, role-playing, necrophilia, and grievous injury to the private parts via hunting knife as phallus. I still can't tell if the acting was atrocious or pitch perfect for the material. If any of the above appeals to you, you're a twisted shell of a human being like me, so I heartily recommend this freak show.

WARNING! NOT SAFE FOR WORK! CONTAINS NUDITY AND VIOLENCE!



3) Bumfight: What's more appalling than bribing substance abusing, mentally handicapped derelicts to beat up on each other until bones break? How about also bribing them to have sex with each other, injure themselves, and expel all manner of bodily substances (blood, piss, shit, vomit, & cum inclusive.) Still not enough? How about we then dress some asshole up as the Crocodile Hunter and have him assault unsuspecting indigents? Still not enough? Then how about you fucking kill yourself, you soulless lump of shit. These are real people, you prick!

WARNING! NOT SAFE FOR WORK! CONTAINS NUDITY, REAL VIOLENCE, COARSE LANGUAGE, and the potential to destroy your faith in humanity!


2) Visitor Q: When a movie opens with a Japanese man bribing his daughter for sex on videotape, you know it's all downhill from there. By that, I mean in terms of successive depths of depravity. Takashi Miike's films alone could fill up a list like this (I'm sure "Ichi the Killer" and "Audition" would make my top 10,) but none can quite compare with what happens when David Lynch gets processed through the minds of the nation that brought us tentacle rape porn and soiled schoolgirl panties in vending machines. Most of the atrocities previously mentioned make a showing here, with the added fun of illogical narrative and gallons of lactate.

NOT SAFE FOR WORK! CONTAINS... um...uh...?


1) Happiness: While in no way as graphic or shocking as the previous entries, Todd Solondz's masterpiece is heinous because of its quality. The movie is filled with characters to empathize with, as they are subjected to an endless stream of emotional brutality. The acting, writing, and direction are uniformly superb, which might explain why it remains one of my favorite movies, even though I'm very selective about who I will share it with.

NOT SAFE FOR WORK! Also contains um and uh...