Emmanuelle Goes to Cannes (1980)

Character Name: Emmanuelle
Actress: Olinka Hardiman
Actual Movie Title: Emmanuelle Goes to Cannes
Known Aliases: "The Elementary Stud"
Country of Origin: France
Character Nationality: French
Occupation: Stripper-Prostitute-Adult Actress
Religion: Catholic
Married: Single
Locales: Cannes
Release Date: 1980 (France)
Director: Jean-Marie Pallardy
DVD: Emmanuelle Goes to Cannes (1985)
Stats: Pseudo-Emmaneulle

Story: This shouldn't take long. "Emmanuelle" is completely delusional, up to and including being named Emmanuelle in a movie actually titled "Emmanuelle" that has absolutely nothing to do with the real "Emmanuelle" and not even have the goddam common courtesy to add or remove letters from the name. She thinks she can dance, but she cannot. She thinks she looks like Marilyn Monroe, which means she's done everything she possibly could do to look like Monroe, and still looks a '70s porno actress. No, not a lovely soft core porno actress, but the chick with zits on her ass who humps some guy toward the back of an orgy, mostly blocked by the leads and secondary performers. I'm sure there's a term for that. You figure an extra wouldn't have actual sex, and a stand-in wouldn't be filmed. In this era of gonzo filmmaking, Stunt Twat wouldn't apply without bedposts or barnyard animals coming into play... Cameo cunt? Works for me.

Where was I? Oh yeah, "Emmanuelle" is delusional. Her boyfriend Frank is her "business manager," which means when she's not stripping blandly, she's turning tricks. Just to insure that no one can derive sexual gratification from this movie, she actually sobs for minutes and has to be cajoled into doing a john that looks like an illegal. These two have "sex" that's so hilariously exaggerated and filled with faux-o faces, I half expect they're both virgins. Believe it or not, Emmanuelle spent her childhood in a convent. Oy, vey.

Meanwhile, Frank fucks another terrible stripper who may or may not have had a mustache and unibrow in her very near future (our distant, regrettable past.) Bearded Frank also tongue kisses Frida Kahlo in that hideous manner I've only seen in creepy Asian videos, where their faces are about a three inches apart.Is there a market for that? Emmanuelle busted the pair, had a brief threeway, and left her abusive relationship to network at the Cannes Film Festival. Oh and a random couple joins the Mile High Club, interrupted for something like a quarter hour with intermittent bullshit doc footage from Cannes. My penis hasn't so much as twitched, I tell you!

Let me explain this again. At the twenty minute mark, the title of this picture strikes with full effect. Emmanuelle has gone to Cannes. There she is. Wandering around. Continuing to offer demented yet inane first person narration while the "director" shoots nothing remotely interesting, except for a few random chicks at a nude beach. A terrible skin flick, but the camp factor and incredible stamina of the voiceover actress are endearing. Still, next sex scene: 23 minutes later. With an old man dressed like Mr. Rogers playing a film producer. This landed her a part in an adult film involving straight and lesbian "action." Yawn. The voiceover continued throughout. Later, she makes out with an ice cream cone. Cheese flavored.

Things get bleak in the last ten minutes. The film career doesn't pan out. Emmanuelle starts turning tricks for rent. Finally, in tears, she calls her cheating pimp boyfriend Frank, who helps her stiff a hotel bill and drives her back home to Shittown. Don't you just love those "up" endings, like "Electra Glide in Blue?"

Well, the dame's got moxie, but this has got to be among the saddest, most wrong-headed and prick-shrinking entries in not just the Emmanuelle series, but even the annals of Fake Emmanuelles. The direction by "Emmanuele 3's" Jean-Marie Pallardy is so inept, it makes Joe D'Amato look like Sam Peckinpah. In fact, Jean-Marie Pallardy casting himself as a lead with his shirt unbuttoned to his navel would have, and may Jesus have mercy on my soul for saying this, made the movie steamier. Watch it with someone you love, but do not want to "love." Meet a nice bottle of hooch. Love that together instead.