Monday, April 2, 2012

A Frank Review of "Blood of Dracula's Castle" (1969)

The Short Version? How dare you evict the Count Dracula?
What Is It? "Horror"
Who Is In It? John Carradine, Alex D'Arcy, Paula Raymond, Robert Dix, Ray Young, Barbara Bishop
Should I See It? No.

Some old guy dies and wills his Arizona desert castle to a young relative and his new wife. The pair are selfish and I suppose independently wealthy enough to decide to live in the castle while evicting its tenants of the last sixty years. Turns out the tenants are much younger than expected, because they're vampires. Not just any vampires mind, but the laziest, lushiest, most George and Marion Kerbyest of vampires. Poor old John Carradine takes care of the house and human sacrifices, while a hulking deformed creature named Mango procures for them the finest source of blood, nubile girls. The vampires don't have fangs and are far too couth to actually bite anyone, but even though no one can resist the Mango, the Mango is indiscreet. That's why the vamps paid a whole five thousand dollars to help their former assistant, a serial killer, break out of prison to renew his employment... starting with the asshole couple trying to evict everyone.

By no stretch is Blood of Dracula's Castle a good movie, but it isn't really a terrible one, either. It's this inoffensive thing that can play in the background until your attention is temporarily drawn by the antics of Gomez and Morticia or the attractive half-naked girls who peek in from time to time. At full attention though, it is boring, cheap, and lame-brained.

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