Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Frank Review of "Avatar: An IMAX 3D Experience" (2009)

The Short Version? Guilty white guy and noble savages versus evil military, all in CGI.
What Is It? Action.
Who Is In It? The Terminator: Salvation guy, Uhura, Ripley, Letty, Frank Buffay Jr., and more
Should I See It? Yes.

What some people don't know is, Michael Jackson conceived love children with Jocelyn Wildenstein, and that in the future, their offspring will have an orgy with the Blue Man Group and an NBA team. After even more incestuous sex, they will spawn a race of nine foot tall navy cat people who can reenact the "Billie Jean" video wherever they step. Oh, and at some point somebody used R2-D2 as a marital aid, because they can cold jack into, like, the global wildlife mainframe, yo. But don't worry, because even in this far off time, the same old cliché evil corporation/military/Hollywood liberal bullshit will still be just as familiar as it was when you slept through that anti-Iraq war movie from 2003. But it's cool bro, because everything else got their own fuck on, so there's hammerhead rhino and shit to keep your eyes moving.

To summarize, Avatar works well as a fairy tale and the longest, most finely rendered video game cut scene yet. Everything but the environments looks like it's made of rubber, but the actors playing aliens/Avatars have their faces well integrated into the CGI. This is less true of Stephen Lang, whose obviously motion-capped role of Brigadier General Jack T. Ripper couldn't have been less of an animated farce. Guys like General Ripper make the flick look like sci-fi, but nobody this side of George Lucas could so completely fuck-up and stupefy such an inherently intellectual genre, so that's just window dressing for a ham-fisted parable.

Sam Worthington, who played a cyborg in an abandoned James Cameron franchise, is a dumb unethical self-important cypher in this third person RPG. That's because Michael Biehn got fat and old, and because Americans love Australians who can't quite handle American accents (see also: Mel Gibson, pre-2000.) Sigourney Weaver, who played the heroine in a prior James Cameron film, reprises her role as Dian Fossey, because she also got too old to star. She's the tough but fair scientist who will get killed in the second act to increase audience sympathy. Don't call it a spoiler, unless u r dum, because it could only have been more obvious if she were the black sidekick or the veteran in her last days on the job. Michelle Rodriguez, who played the Vasquez role in a knock-off of James Cameron's Aliens (but with zombies,) plays the Vasquez role in James Cameron's retread of Aliens and The Abyss (but with even more heavy handed politics than a Romero zombie flick.) Giovanni Ribisi plays Carter Burke, the corporate scumbag, because Paul Reiser was too busy cashing his Mad About You residuals checks. Ribisi forces a totally over the top accent, but I still respect him as a diverse actor who can play a range of roles. He just read the script, and as soon as he learned his company was kill-crazy hot in pursuit of the rare material "unobtainium," knew how to play this stupid cartoon shit.

Joel Moore doesn't play the Bill Paxton role, and I can't figure that out at all. Was Jack T. Ripper the Bill Paxton part? This would have been a better movie with that Bill Paxton magic. Zoe Saldana doesn't play anybody iconic. Was she in the Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio part? The Dark Angel part? I just remember she was blue, talked funny, and I was never quite sure if that was a shadow or a cyber-nipple under that flower. Oh wait, she's just fuckin' Pocahontas! Duh! That also explains Wes Studi as the Indian chief, and that guy as the Apache dude who had a hard-on for Pocahontas and totally had it in for John Smith. Didn't you know this was a Western? It's totally, totally a five-hundred-million dollar B-western. And you people thought that shit couldn't make money. How many times have you watched Tombstone, right? Maybe not five-hundred-million dollars worth of times, but only because Val Kilmer didn't cough at you in 3-mother fucking-D. If Tombstone looked like extra-articulated He-Man action figures three inches from your nose, it could have made a brazillian dollars.

You might think I'm calling Avatar a bad movie, but that's horse shit. I love a good western, and I dig a quality barbarian movie, and I especially love ridiculously well meaning so-unoriginal-its-practically-plagiarism scripts. I swear, Paul W.S. Anderson's Resident Evil is my favorite guilty pleasure, and I really liked Extinction too (but not Apocalypse, because I gots some taste, dude.) At nearly three hours, your resistance will melt by the sheer force of good intentions and Old Hollywood craftsmanship.Child soldiers in the Sudan know this story backwards-and-forwards, and would critique its naive politics, if they had time. But hey, these bitches won't chop their own arms off, right?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Frank Review of "Sherlock Holmes" (2009)

The Short Version? Less detective, more dick (flick.)
What Is It? Actioner.
Who Is In It? Iron Man, Gigolo Joe, that Notebook chick
Should I See It? No.

Someone took a Roger Moore era James Bond script, and converted it into a Victorian version of The Wild Wild West. At times it's as good as an episode of the Robert Culp TV series, but it's mostly as much a muddle as the Will Smith cinematic flop from 1999. Robert Downey Jr. is surprisingly charmless here, going through his stock eccentric mannerisms without their having any desirable effect. Jude Law fares much better as possibly the most interesting Doctor Watson I've seen, if only because he serves a greater purpose than stroking Holmes' ego at each brilliant observation. Instead, he's a tough, but proper, partner in crime investigation. Mark Strong has the face of a great villain, but not an ounce of actual menace in his performance.

Forty-four years of Downey Jr. on this Earth and at least a quarter of that spent on hard drugs have left their mark on his features, while thirty-one year old Rachel McAdams looks like she takes her nightly bath in warm milk. She's meant to be Holmes' equal or better as a conniving grifter femme fatale with whom he has a history that would seem to date back to her junior high prom. Maybe I'm just getting old, but their age differences really made me think less of our hero, and considering what a smarmy, neurotic, prancing little shit he is, imagine my horror. Worse, McAdams sounds like she's still playing opposite Lindsay Lohan in a bubblegum flick, she's so woefully out of place.

Since Richard Keel is no longer among the living to reprise his role of Jaws, a replacement was found in Robert Maillet. With roles on his resume including "Uber Immortal," "Behemoth Jones" and "Kurrgan," he brings the physical bigness. It's probably the next best performance after Law's.

As for the story, well, its a trifle. There's a grand, moronic conspiracy involving Freemasons, dark magic, CSI: London, Steampunk Tasers, and explodey-go-boom-boom. Director Guy Ritchie, whose mind never recovered from his penis entering Madonna, offers tepid slo-mo bare knuckles brawling put to shame by his own Snatch, and noticeably little else. If you like your pictures to be there, doing that, and not be a bother about it, Sherlock Holmes is for you.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog (2008)

During the Writer's Guild Strike of 2008, Joss Whedon produced a 41 minute web only musical dramedy about the romantic and professional hurdles of an aspiring super-villain. It stars Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion and Felicia Day, and was broken up into three acts...

Friday, December 25, 2009

1993 Advance Comics The Sandman Holiday Wish List Postcard by P. Craig Russell

This Morpheus of the Endless postcard came polybagged with a distributor catalog. "Art by Craig P. Russell." Philistines.

1997 Wizard Magazine Holiday Present Tags

Featuring Deadpool, the Strangers in Paradise girls, Kevin Matchstick of Mage, Madman, the Silver Surfer, Ash, Gen13, Darkchylde, and Power Man himself, Luke Cage. "Sweet Christmas" indeed.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

1985 Who's Who Vol.IV: Captain Comet (6/85)

From the June, 1985 issue of Who's Who: The Definitive Directory of the DC Universe comes Adam Blake's initial entry, drawn by the great Murphy Anderson and likely written by Len Wein or Marv Wolfman.

Alter Ego: Adam Bake
Occupation: Professional Adventurer
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: John and Martha Blake (parents) .
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Mobile
First Appearance: STRANGE ADVEN­TURES #9

Height: 6'2" Weight: 190 lbs.
Eyes: Brown Hair: Brown

Born just as a brilliant comet flashed through the night sky, Adam Blake was destined to become a great man, his father claimed, and as the years passed, Adam began to demonstrate powers and abilities that made his father's words seem pro­phetic indeed. At four he could find lost ob­jects almost effortlessly. At eight he was able to read an entire textbook in minutes, then recite it back in its entirety. In high school he could play any musical instru­ment flawlessly. And, of course, he ex­celled at any sport he tried. Yet, despite his successes, Adam Blake was a lonely man. Determined to find out what made him different from his peers, Adam sought out Professor Emery Zackro, a prominent physicist. After much testing, Zackro discovered that Adam was a mu­tant, an accidental specimen of future man, born with powers and abilities that would not be common on Earth for another 100.000 years.

With Zackro's help, Adam perfected his powers and, at the elder man's suggestion, adopted a secret identity to protect himself from those who might seek to use Adam's powers to their own advantage. Since he was born beneath a passing comet, Adam took the name Captain Comet, and for the next several years he protected his home-world selflessly.

At last, feeling out of place on a world where he was so far superior to anyone else, Adam constructed a starship called The Cometter, and took off for the stars to find himself.

Several decades passed on Earth, while Adam, because of his mutant nature, barely seemed to age. Finally, Adam re­turned to Earth to discover a world much changed during his absence. Ignorant of current events, Captain Comet allowed himself to be used for a time by the Secret Society of Super Villains, be­coming their fiercest foe when he teamed how he'd been duped.

Recently, Captain Comet discovered his mutant powers were latent at birth, activated only by the passing comet's unique radiation, and thus were beginning to wane. With the help of Superman, Adam restored his powers to their fullest, and now continues to fight crime on Earth, still seeking to find his true place in the world.

Born a mutant 100,000 years before his time, Adam Blake possesses a variety of physical super-powers, including super-strength and limited invulnerability. His mental powers include telekinesis, telepa­thy, and a photographic memory. White his telekinetic abilities enable him to fly for short distances, he uses a jet-powered flight belt to travel at any length.

The epitome of human perfection,Cap­tain Comet is an extraordinary athlete and a highly skilled hand-to-hand combatant •

Friday, December 18, 2009

Captain Comet Postcard by George Pérez

I've enjoyed the little walks down memory lane I've taken while discussing George Pérez's 1984 DC Comics postcards, and have decided to continue without the benefit of actual postcards. I'd also like to talk about non-DC characters at some point, and since Pérez has drawn most everybody notable in comics, he'll be my go-to guy for these things. Here, I've altered a panel from 1986's History of the DC Universe #2, inked by Karl Kesel...

A mutant born one hundred thousand years ahead of his time, Adam Blake left Earth to explore space, aided by his incredible mental and physical abilities. He returned twenty years later to battle the Secret Society of Super-Heroes with his evolved strength, speed, intelligence, stamina, telekinesis and telepathy.

Captain Comet was in the mid-80s house ad for DC Challenge, but with his nondescript red costume turned mostly toward the back, I mistook him for a generic sci-fi character. Truth to tell, I wasn't so far off, as Comet started his life off as a curious hybrid of bland pulp speculative fiction and a last gasp for the super-hero genre between the Golden and Silver Ages. I want to say my next exposure was thumbing through Secret Society of Super-Villains back issues around 1987, more intrigued by the titular concept, but curious about who exactly was this sole unknown hero tasked with battling a host of bad guys. I learned from somewhere (Who's Who?") that he was the first comic book mutant, predating the X-Men. Besides the Martian Manhunter, Captain Comet was the only official DC super-hero of the 1950s, and with his vast (and similar) powers, I was fascinated by what he must have gotten up to in an era (almost) all his own. I continued to stumble upon Comet over the years, most notably in his '90s revival series, L.E.G.I.O.N. Even with all his potential, he just played straight man to the unethical brilliance of Vril Dox, the amoral mayhem of Lobo, and the more high strung Stealth. Imagine Jim Dial in tights.

I skipped following Comet in his most recent appearances from Mystery in Space, because I was pissed DC broke the mini-series' collection up into two volumes, the first foisting The Weird mini-series onto me in a fairly expensive reprint. I still think there's massive amounts of untapped potential in the character, and fell he's interesting enough to merit his own (long threatened) mini-blog, which I'll subject you to occasionally here at ...nurgh...

Thursday, December 17, 2009

A Frank Review of "Brideshead Revisited" (2008)

The Short Version? Manity Fair.
What Is It? Period Drama.
Who Is In It? Ozymandias, Professor Sybil Trelawney.
Should I See It? Yes.

I'm an American who's never read Evelyn Waugh's beloved and very British novel "Brideshead Revisited, The Sacred & Profane Memories of Captain Charles Ryder," nor seen its revered eleven hour BBC television adaptation. I was that much desired receptive audience approaching this cinematic translation as a blank slate. I can honestly say just about anyone will be able to tell there's great chunks of the story missing here. While the film offers enough of a taste to intrigue the uninitiated, it will more than likely come to serve as a gateway to its more involved predecessors, rather than a destination unto itself.

Charles Ryder is a poor boy whose eyes constantly glance upward, toward a high society he would sacrifice much to make his own. Does he dabble with homosexuality to win over an affluent school chum? Does he leave the boy a drunken wreck and court the approval of his devoutly religious mother? Can he better deal his way toward the sister? Does he possess human emotion, or is he just an animal driven by his personal ambition?

Aside from a slightly hammy turn from Emma Thompson as Lady Marchmain, perhaps after too many years on Harry Potter sets, the cast is universally perfect for the film. You can see where Zack Snyder was going with his casting of Goode as Adrian Veidt in Watchmen through the actor's portrayal of Ryder. The sets and locations are magnificent, lending significant production value to a modestly budgeted affair. A lovely score by Adrian Johnston is similarly beneficial. Much to the relief of the males in the audience, Julian Jarrold's direction is stylish, offering very modern quirks to the period piece that hold the attention. Clearly, the maudlin yet distant text might be tougher to deal with. Still, considering how much ground needed to be covered, I found this a fairly brisk and mostly painless two-and-a-quarter hours. In fact, charting Ryder's cool, predatory path seemed to be a greater pleasure to me than to my better half. The movie is an intelligent exploration of class, religion, and sexuality that, while not wholly satisfying on its own, is worth sampling as a companion to other works.


  • The World of Brideshead A documentary that performs the usual sucking of source material cock, begging the audience not to hate it for diverging from the TV adaptation, while strutting its own distinctions.
  • Deleted Scenes More extended scenes actually, allowing a bit more time and interaction within sequences. Nothing earthshaking, but good enough to play through.
  • Audio Commentaty Typical, with director Julian Jarrod, producer Kevin Loader, and screenwriter Jeremy Brock.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Unknown Soldier: Haunted House (2009)

All over the front and back covers to Unknown Soldier: Haunted House, the first collection of the new Vertigo series, are quotes from comics luminaries about how important this book is. I have to call all kinds of bullshit on that, because no one in a position to effect change is going to pick up a goddamned mature readers, small circulation trade paperback and be exposed to the horrors of genocide in Africa for the first time. Any person with a decent education knows Africa's been chock full of awful for centuries, bopping from one country to another. While it might be cathartic to see a fictional heroic figure emerge from one of these real life bloodbaths, it's ultimately considerably less helpful than the light Sylvester Stallone shone on Burma in his orgy of violence, Rambo. Let's start by saying early aughts Uganda is a colorful and evocative setting for a war comic, and focus on its entertainment value, because the Unknown Soldier isn't saving any lives outside these pages.

Dr. Lwanga Moses and his wife Sera are a loving couple, diplomatically influential, and committed to using their medical skills for the benefit of war-ravaged Uganda. Despite their best intentions, they find themselves exposed to rapists, child soldiers, murderers-- simply one atrocity after another. As a result of these horrors, the Unknown Soldier enters their lives, offering grisly answers to Uganda's troubles they may not be prepared for.

The Unknown Soldier began its life as a patriotic World War II era series about a disfigured master of disguise proudly serving his country, at the same time the unpopular Vietnam War and animosity toward our own troops was at a miserable level. A revival appeared late in the Reagan Administration, written by the rare black comics writer Jim Owsley (a.k.a. Christopher Priest,) and featuring a more critical Soldier. Vertigo previously took on the character in 1998, when Garth Ennis' writing the Soldier as a corrupt tool of the C.I.A. seemed novel, as oppose to de rigueur. I liked that take, until the usual limp Ennis resolution, but little came out of that mini-series. The new Unknown Soldier has a lot more to say, and is perhaps for the first time truly relevant to his time, even if the series is set nearly a decade past. As I said, a bit further back was Rwanda, and today we have Darfur, and tomorrow the Congo will blow up again. Africa is the perfect place to set a series in need of a perpetual shitstorm as backdrop. Even as Barack Obama is applauded for his diplomacy, its nice to see a black man blowing the bad guys all to hell.

Joshua Dysart does a good job walking the fine line between exploring the horrors of Uganda through this series, and exploiting them for effect. He doesn't pussyfoot around the likely fantastic origins of the new Soldier, which frees him up to work around the borders of the masculine melodrama that unfolds. Even more than a war comic, this story is reminiscent of a spaghetti western. A lone, disfigured hero, nursed back to health by a kindly nun, fending off savages at the gates of his sanctuary. Alberto Ponticelli isn't the most polished of artists, but his storytelling is solid, and he handles the often grisly material with the necessary verisimilitude. His rough, urban style excellently captures the environment and tension, which also distracts from this, again, being a western at heart. Regardless, there's nothing new under the sun, but a heartfelt script with believable dialogue, engaging characters, and potent art is always welcome. I loom forward to seeing where this series goes next.

Monday, December 14, 2009

A Frank Review of "The Singing Detective" (2003)

The Short Version? Warbling dick.
What Is It? Musical Drama.
Who Is In It? Iron Man, the Princess Pride, Martin Riggs, Joey Potter, Sally Jupiter, and more.
Should I See It? Maybe.

Dan Dark is a bad mystery writer and an ill-tempered patient hospitalized with crippling psoriatic arthropathy. Wracked with pain, Dark's mind drifts constantly; to his pulp detective fictions, his traumatic childhood, his wretched relationships with women, and an intermingling of same, often accompanied by music.

Robert Downey Jr. is his usual awesome self in the lead, necessary for making his belligerent paranoiac character remotely sympathetic, even while buried under latex casts of mottled skin. Robin Wright Penn struggles for the same empathy as Dark's much abused wife. Mel Gibson is virtually unrecognizable as Dark's wily psychiatrist, also immersed in latex, and proving he can successfully hide his Australian accent if he really tries. Carla Gugino once again plays a sexpot trafficking in rough trade, a career specialty. Alfre Woodard, Adrien Brody, Jeremy Northam, Saul Rubinek, Jon Polito and Katie Holmes lend stable if broad support, typically also playing off their familiar roles.

The Singing Detective is the American film version of a well-regarded BBC radio drama and mini-series that I'm completely unfamiliar with. Apparently, writer Dennis Potter took liberties with his own material for the translation, but everyone got pissed off and dismissed it as another cross-Atlantic Yankee fuck-up. It's actually a pretty decent, entirely watchable little flick with eccentricities likely to turn off a good many potential viewers. If you're into '40s film noir crime stories, that aspect is given short shrift in favor of psychobabble and metatext. If you enjoy the dark comedy, you'll be sitting through a lot of angsty medical and marriage drama. Even as an actors' showpiece, and there are some surprising performances here, the lip-synched musical numbers of '50s pop hits will turn you off. Get through all that, and there's still seriously coarse language and sexual situations, designed to antagonize and unnerve rather than amused and titillate. The movie is a hot mess, too convoluted to gloss over so much detail, and too intimate to play out over such a sprawling scape. Still, despite it all, it will entertain you if you let it.


  • Commentary by Director Keith Gordon: Fun fact- He co-starred with Downey Jr. as Rodney Dangerfield's son in Back to School. Gordon seemed devoted to the integrity of Potter's vision, while constantly using Potter's adaptation license to apologize for offending purists to the original series. It's a passionate track from a director with plenty to say about his production, including much needed kind words for producer Gibson.

Friday, December 11, 2009

nurghophonic jukebox: "Angel's Son" by Sevendust

Written By: Lajon Witherspoon & Sonny Mayo
Released: November 7, 2000
Album: Strait Up
Single?: #11 on the Billboard Modern Rock Chart

Written and performed in memory of James Lynn Strait (1968-1998) of the band Snot for a tribute compilation, and rerecorded as the final track on Sevendust's 2001 album Animosity to modest chart success.

Life is changing
I can't go on without you
Rearranging. I will be strong
I'll stand by you

(You were fighting everyday)
(So hard to hide the pain)
(I know you never said goodbye)
(I had so much left to say)

One last song
Given to an Angel's Son
As soon as you were gone
As soon as you were gone

I have a new life now
She lives through you
What can I do
Feel so alone now
I pray for you
We still love you

I can't believe you're gone

I can't believe

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Batman and the Outsiders: The Chrysalis TPB

Between when this series was solicited, and when the first issue shipped roughly on time, the creative and fictional teams were radically altered. Assuming that Chuck Dixon was probably writing scripts for both Julian Lopez and Carlos Rodriguez as they drew an entirely new issue each, both to be inked by Bit, it's an amazing accomplishment they hold up as professional caliber material. This pair of issues was fast paced and light weight, with characters leaving and arriving in abrupt but adequately explained manner. The dialogue pops, the art is pretty, and all's fun.

The problems don't begin to creep in until the third issue, during a solicitation obligating but logically troubled row with the Justice League of America. Characters begin to break character, people start showing up rather inexplicably, and the A-plot continues from here as an unresolved and unsatisfying subplot. The shit really starts to hit the fan by the fourth issue, which is as messy as one would have expected the earlier issues to be, and the final book reprinted here peters out more than ends.

The Chrysalis isn't bad comics, especially given its difficult birth. It's just largely disposable, with a few moments here and there that are bound not to sit well with segments of the readership. Whether Dixon is trying to disprove his disputable homophobia by exploiting lesbian titillation and a sexually ambiguous villain, or some of the poor choices made with regard to characterization needle you, or you just wonder what that fuss was about at the end, something's going to be a mild irritation. Still, if you like the characters and have time to waste on the mildly entertaining, you could do a lot worse than this, especially at DC, and especially on The Outsiders. Must I invoke Judd Winick?

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Frank Review of "The Darjeeling Limited" (2007)

The Short Version? A train ride through India to some peace of mind.
What Is It? Twee dramedy.
Who Is In It? The usuals.
Should I See It? Sure.

The Darjeeling Limited is an enjoyable movie, and the most widely accessible by director Wes Anderson. It's much lighter than The Royal Tenenbaums, and less quirky than Rushmore, with reasonably likable characters. Owen Wilson breaks out of his usual laid back dude mode to play a controlling, obsessive surrogate patriarch to his two brothers. Adrien Brody remains stuck in mopey mode, this time with an angry undercurrent. Jason Schwartzman is almost debonaire as the passive-aggressive scribe of the three, a far cry from his usual loser/slimeball role. The film is brimming with strong supporting performances, excellent soundtrack choices, lush visuals, and deft direction. It's also a rather obvious adult fable with a clear moral, and is too on-the-nose too often, but the sum of its parts make up for any deficits in the story's whole.


  • Hotel Chevalier A short film that serves as a prequel to the feature, starring Schwartzman and Natalie Portman and her naked butt. Elevates the main movie through its cynical lead. A must see.
  • The Darjeeling Limited Walking Tour A terribly boring behind-the-scenes production featurette.
  • Various Trailers

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Pepsi Maximum Challenge: Romulan Ale

While visiting relatives in Oklahoma, I was offered the opportunity to purchase a mason jar full of "authentic, home brewed moonshine" in the flavor of my choice for something like $6-9. I was concerned about the potential health hazards, as I'd never dared much past 100 proof, and envisioned anti-freeze-induced blindness, hallucinations and/or blood poisoning in my future. Still, how could I pass this up? An hour later, I was treated to heavily watered down Everclear "distilled" through supposedly having been boiled in a pot, with cheap, weak artificial flavoring. Splitting the jar, I barely brushed against a buzz.

This brings us to "Romulan Ale," the blue alien alcohol so potent that in the Star Trek future, it's outlawed by the Federation of Planets. While I've heard of more terrestrial mixed drink concoctions intended to replicate the e.t. juice, this is a studio approved energy drink available for sale wherever geeky bullshit is sold. It goes down very mild and slightly fruity, somewhat like those girly low-calorie energy shots. I've tasted far worse.

The problem is, this is supposed to be Romulan Ale, described by Webster's as "an alcoholic beverage brewed especially by rapid fermentation from an infusion of malt with the addition of hops" ... from Romulus. There are no hops here. This is without malt. This is a tepid energy drink. Further, Romulan Ale is supposed to be the gutrot of choice five-hundred years from now. That means this energy drink is further evidence that everything about Star Trek is pussy, and that Tyler Durden would shit out the Shat. We're talking Edward Norton here, and not Derek Vinyard Norton, but unnamed-narrator-who-kicks-his-own-ass Norton. Regardless of how the fight goes, if you can consider Jared Leto a worthy opponent, you're limp but manageable, and yet still more manly than the entire Star Trek universe (who creams over the Shat getting replaced by a guy whose closest contemporary would be the dude who played Human Torch in Fantastic Four.)

In summary, Romulan Ale is an energy drink for little girls and Klingons, the latter of whom I will drink under the table and draw Cardassian cocks on their cheeks in Sharpie marker while they're passed out and drooling.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Short Films of Takena Nagao

Gory and otherwise provocative claymation stop motion shorts heavily influenced by Romero, Raimi, Hooper, Zombie and Tarantino.

Chainsaw Maid:

Bloody Date:


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

1984 Hawkman Postcard by George Pérez

I've had a conflicted relationship with the Hawks. I can't recall a time when I wasn't aware of their existence, and Hawkman had one of the finest action figures in the Super Powers Collection. I salivated over the house ad for The Shadow War of Hawkman, but had to settle for guest appearances and team books to get any kind of fix. Not only were the Hawks mostly exiled from the newsstand, but when Hawkman did appear, he was portrayed as a self-righteous, pushy jerk. I don't think I got serious about the character until the early '90s, when I took a crash course in Thanagarian studies. I picked up a trade paperback of the earliest Silver Age stories from The Brave and the Bold by Gardner Fox and Joe Kubert, the Hawkworld collection "As Above, So Below" by Tim Truman, the Tony Isabella/Richard Howell mini-series and special, and even completed runs of Hawkworld and the 1992 series.

There was so much to like about the Hawks, but also much to hate. Pre-Crisis, Hawkman was a mild-mannered space cop, likable enough, but too milquetoast and narrow to live up to his looks. I preferred the easygoing and clever Hawkgirl/woman, as available. Hawkworld turned her into an irritating ballbuster, but if you could overlook the murder and drug addiction, at least Katar became more introspective. Hawkman eventually began to use his medieval weapons as prescribed, and Hawkwoman's temper was tempered, but any personality they had kind of fell by the wayside. The Golden Age Hawks came into the mix, and the continuity became so toxic, the whole premise went on a shelf for half a decade. I tried the most recent relaunch, and it just didn't do the job. Despite lovely Rags Morales art, an off-game from the usually reliable Geoff Johns put me off.

At this point, I have a hard time getting excited by Hawkman and Hawkwoman. Unlike most DC characters, I'm not even sure who they are. I know the history, but there's so much conflicting characterization, I'm now emotionally detached. I respect the books, but it's tough to claim fandom anymore.

Monday, November 16, 2009

1984 Zatanna Postcard by George Pérez

I probably saw Zatanna for the first time just like this, drawn by George Pérez in the costume he designed for a Justice League of America cover or somesuch. I didn't know then how hard DC was trying to turn her into their own Scarlet Witch at the time, but I do know it never took. I bought her two part guest appearance in early issues of Blue Devil, and like most readers before and since, was more impressed by her girl-next-door approachable quality than the Marvel character's traumatized drama queen style. Unfortunately, DC's never stopped trying to saddle poor Zee with neurosis. They killed off her father before her eyes, subjected her to a magical quasi-rape, sent her off for a time with her assailant, massively reduced her powers, dumped her at Vertigo... it just never stops. As a result, I try to follow Zee's appearances, but not compulsively, attempting to pick the gems from the junk. I don't care near as much about what she can do as how she handles what comes, but it would be nice if someone could figure out the right balance for once.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon (2008)

The Short Version? Slo-Kill w/Spoon
What Is It? Horror Comedy.
Who Is In It? Nobody.
Should I See It? Yes.

Official Release-- Enjoy!!! Please Rate! SUBSCRIBE for more to come!

COMING SOON TO DVD: The mind-shattering Horribly Slow Murderer EXTENDED CUT!!! for details.
Winner of 12 Film Festival Awards!

Produced, Written and Directed by Richard Gale

Jack Cucchiaio........Paul Clemens
The Murderer...........Brian Rohan
The Mystic...............Fay Kato
The Girlfriend...........Melissa Paladino
The Doctor...............Mike Kacey
Narrator....................Richard Gale

Music by Christopher Brady

Special Makeup FX by Dean Jones and Paul Clemens

Details at

imdb page:

Saturday, November 14, 2009

nurghophonic jukebox: "Know Who You Are at Every Age" by Cocteau Twins

Written By: Cocteau Twins
Released: 1993
Album: Four-Calendar Café
Single?: Yes, but only in Chinese. The cover "Ji Gei Ji Bei" was released by Faye Wong in 1994.


It seems things are indictive to, A distinct desire to
Observe such, Heal such
Behave such that makes this hard for me
I'm not real and I deny, I won't heal unless I cry
I can't grieve, so I won't grow, I won't heal 'til I let it go
I'm not real and I deny, I won't heal unless I cry
It seems things are indicative to, A distinct desire to
Observe such, Heal such
Behave such that makes this hard for me

I'm not real and I deny, I won't heal unless I cry
I can't grieve, so I won't grow, I won't heal 'til I let it go

Cry, cry, cry 'til you know why, I lost myself, identify

I'm not real and I deny, I won't heal unless I cry
I can't grieve, so I won't grow, I won't heal 'til I let it go

Friday, November 13, 2009

1984 Black Canary Postcard by George Pérez


I believe I first encountered Dinah Lance while thumbing through my visiting uncle's copy of Green Lantern/Green Arrow #84. That would have been around 1983, when he paid us a visit after having left the states to live in Hawaii. I remember our visiting a friend of his with a comic collection that filled bookshelves, and being quite envious, even if a lot of it was head comix and Howard the Duck.

This particular issue stuck with me because of the gorgeous Neal Adams/Bernie Wrightson art. Up to that point, I don't recall having seen drawings that were so lifelike, especially the lovely ladies and little details like Ollie's beard and turtleneck. I also wasn't familiar with super-heroes that came across as helpless as Green Lantern after a disguised Black Hand had slipped him a mickey. I haven't even seen a reprint of that story in over a decade, but my mind readily conjures images from the book as I recall them nearly thirty years past.

Of course, this all has little to do with the Black Canary. Like Clea in the stack of Dr. Strange comics my uncle left me, Dinah was just the girlfriend, sometimes in a costume, but rarely more than a few steps above damsel in distress. I didn't much regard Dinah before Justice League International, and even then she was just a straight for the goofier characters to bounce off of. Dinah was gone inside a year, so that she could be victimized and de-powered in Green Arrow: The Longbow Hunters. If I had to guess, I'd say her serial in Action Comics Weekly was the first time she registered as worthy of notice, in part because she'd burnt the terrible replacement costume that reared its truly ugly head in the early-to-mid '80s. I gave her points for sheer audacity, plus the serial was drawn by Randy DuBurke, whose long forgotten style merged Paul Gulacy with Bill Sienkiewicz. This led to my buying her four-issue mini-series, and even a few issues of the ongoing that followed, but the scripts by Sarah Byam left me cold.

As I became more invested in the DC Universe after ditching Marvel in the speculator years, I learned the history of Black Canary. I respected that she was one of the longest active comic book heroines, with membership to major super-teams, and had even been retconned into a JLA founder. Still, I struggled with my respect for what Black Canary represented and the character's shoddy treatment as a hanger-on for decades.

Finally, Chuck Dixon and Gary Frank crafted the first Birds of Prey special, and even though it was Oracle who had brought me to that party, it served as a vehicle for elevating Dinah's regard. Over a hundred issues of the estrocentric team book were fueled by Black Canary, and the premise ran out of gas once she was removed. All in all, I still vastly prefer the original Batgirl and her Earth-2 counterpart the Huntress, but I've always wished Dinah the best, though she rarely gets it.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Frank Review of "V, Season 1.1: 'Pilot' and 1.2 'There Is No Normal Anymore'" (2009)

The Short Version? The Visitors are on Earth to be our friends...?
What Is It? Sci-Fi action drama.
Who Is In It? Joss Whedon and Scott Peters' people.
Should I See It? Maybe.

I was only vaguely aware of the original V mini-series on NBC, but I was down from The Final Battle on. Then week long syndicated rebroadcasts of both mini-series become an annual event on local stations, and I remained faithful. Unlike most other passions from my childhood, I retain a deep fondness for V, which I am still able to fully appreciate as an adult. It was a smart series with enough action and effects to hold the attention of audiences of all ages. Not only do I love V, but there's something still special for me about watching the show "live," in original broadcast. I stopped regular television viewing years ago, so ABC's "reimagined" V relaunch represents not only a chance to hook old fans and new, but to potentially shepherd lost viewers back to the boob tube itself. Besides, I'd hate to have V spoilt for me the way I've tried to avoid being with Battlestar Galactica, which I still haven't seen.

The modern V V at the opening theme is still red on black, but this looks more like it was brushed than spray-painted. It materializes as a slow moving wipe at an angle before righting itself. It's not bad, but signals a major shift between the original show's philosophy and the modern take. In the old school, you had a static graphic with ominous symphonic music lasting for several minutes. Today, the graphic comes and goes in seconds, logging an instant impact, but no lasting impression.

The ships are in the sky from the start, and the most visible Visitor, Anna, appears on a giant viewing screen to comfort everyone before the title card. There's no time for a slow build-up, no real mystery-- just nice CGI and a pop culture snub against the V derivative ID4. Hell, there isn't even time to call the aliens "Visitors" anymore. Too many syllables, I guess. Now, they're "V's," and I take that moronic spelling from their official website. "V's" make me think of vee-jay-jay, and considering the show itself acknowledges that all these aliens are "attractive," maybe that's intentional.

All the leads show up in the first fifteen minutes. Jesse Wheeler plays Brandon, but old fans will recognize him as Daniel Bernstein Jr. There's half the depth, none of the menace, but he's got "snark" and at least one (obnoxious) human friend now. Daniel Jr. isn't a social pariah, so he needs added motivation. I never saw Laura Vandervoort play Supergirl on Smallville, and at least she isn't in short-shorts here, even if she's still just the Venus flytrap for the boys (in show and out.) Daniel Junior looks to be a goy as well, so the Jewish schtick is out, and in its place is F.B.I. agent mom Erica Evans (Elizabeth Mitchell, the bi-curious photographer from Gia.)

Morris Chestnut plays a successful professional who loves his girlfriend and wants nothing to do with his old life. We know this because all he does is tell us right up until the end of the episode, when he takes it back.

Rather than a kindly old priest in a supporting role, Joel Gretsch plays hunky Father Jack Landry, among the first individuals to openly question the aliens' motivations. This attracts the attention of a member of an underground movement, which serves to draw the leads together for the big action set piece.

Scott Wolf appears to be playing a hybrid of Michael Donovan and Kristine Walsh, the first newsperson with heightened access to the aliens. Sure, Chad Decker initially sells out to the V's under pressure, but he retains some journalistic integrity and investigative interest. A decent job is done of establishing his credentials as a real reporter forced into the role of prettyboy anchorman, so it isn't complete nonsense that the V's would put faith in him. Also, Morena (Firefly) Baccarin, like Diana before her, seems to have allowed her "V" to guide her down a dangerous path in media relations.

Fellow Firefly alum Alan Tudyk plays Erica Evans' F.B.I. partner Dale Maddox, who helps to lead the show toward one of its innovations. Space Nazis are out, terrorism in. Further, the enemy no longer wears red, nor leans right. The V's are in blue, smile nice, and manipulate the media in a decidedly Obamaesque fashion. They're all about peace and the betterment of mankind, but there's already a tea party ready to slow their commie progress. Of course, the kids are all about the V's, spreading "hope" through social organizing and tagging walls with their iconography.

While watching the V pilot, I was pleasantly surprised by the ways it stayed faithful to the original series. Its political subtext is actually a lot more relevant than the 1984 version, and obviously the effects are improved. People forget how cheesy the direction and acting were in the old show, very much a small screen mentality not far removed from the '70s. On the other hand, the new characters seem much more slight, and everything is told in a distancing shorthand. This is a retread, and some of the charm has been lost in the revisitation.

Worse, I confess I was studying for a test during about half of the V pilot's running time, so I imagine I was occupied in a way folks who complained about slow pacing were not. Also, it wasn't until the next morning I had time to think about some of the show's many inanities. It seems like a good deal of effort was put into designing the new ships in order to make them far less distinct and iconic. In fact, they now appear less advanced, even crude, than in the '80s. When the V's aren't in a generic blue Roddenberry type suit, they're in actual Earth clothes, which is plain boring. To replace the shocking reveal in the first movie, two new last minute twists were added, but not earned. The final fight wasn't bad, but it was needlessly confusing, and the lead-up to it makes some remarkably stupid mistakes.* Suddenly, given proper consideration, the show was looking like more of a dog.

I remained optimistic at the start of the second episode, titled "There Is No Normal Anymore." It started slow, heavy on recap. We learned the torture techniques of the V's are a lot more refined than Diana's inquisitions, and hint at some sort of illusion abilities. There are potentially some among the V's might believe their own hype, and indication that Daniel Jr. might end up with a bit of Robin Maxwell thrown in. Some subplots were advanced, and new characters introduced.

Who am I kidding? The second episode spun its wheels. There was so much pressure to introduce all the major concepts associated with the old series into the first episode, it was easy to miss that very little else had been sufficiently developed to stand on its own. The characters are cardboard, and what's been added to the series is obviously lifted from other sources, like the Phantasm balls, the X-Files shadow government conspiracy, and so on. I said before I loved V on television, but I now must confess I didn't stay with the short-lived ongoing spin-off for long. The original mini-series created a perfect engine to go weekly, but after The Final Battle, I couldn't see where else they had to go even as a child. The same mistake wasn't made with new V, but its basic machinery is so familiar to genre fans, I'm already feeling fatigue.

I'm going to give V the length of its initial "pod," a four week run in November before returning in March. Hell, I might even try back then, seeing as major changes were being made behind the scenes even before the pilot aired. I sincerely hope for the best, but honestly, the more I see, the less it's V.

*In a half hour, we're to believe a couple dozen people had time to be anesthetized and submitted to needless surgery without explanation, plus have an actual deep orientation, before being raided. Also, why would they wield swords, and what's with the lack of the striking laser weapons from the good old days?

Sunday, November 8, 2009

1984 The Elongated Man Postcard by George Pérez

I believe one of the first times I ever saw the Elongated Man, not to mention the whole of the Justice League (as opposed to "Super Friends,") was on George Pérez's magnificent cover to 1983's Justice League of America #217. I noticed this stretchy guy flinging his neck about in the background, and my response was, "oh, another one." Like most people, I never particularly liked super-heroes with that particular power set. What respect I have for Mr. Fantastic comes from his superior intellect, where I've had to unlearn decades of Plastic Man hate based on his cartoon show and lousy modern comic appearances. Turns out the Jack Cole originals are some of the best comics of the Golden Age.

Leading the discussion back to Elongated Man, I'm already fighting the urge for another tangent. Ralph Dibny was an okay guy, and I liked Sue quite a bit. That doesn't change the fact that as far as I'm concerned, the only interesting thing Elongated Man did in 2 1/2 years of Detroit League service was to pown Vibe in his final outing. His time with Justice League Europe was similarly misspent-- the hero most obviously suited to be in a "funny" League that never pulled any laughs. When your non-powered, unadventurous wife outshines you simply by providing decent supporting work to other characters, you should have your hero card revoked. The only time Elongated Man ever worked for me was as a straight detective, but he was rarely shown in that light, and that was Plastic Man's original territory to boot!

Poor Elongated Man. So little love for you. Many heroes gain a soul with their passing, but even in death, Sue Dibny upstaged him.

Sorry for the lack of flavor text and other details. I don't actually own this postcard, nor DC Comics Classic Library: Justice League of America by George Perez, a recent hardcover that reprints the art from this postcard set. However, I found a pair of pictures on eBay, and doctored them up to preserve here. I understand it's numbered P6197, and was part of a 14 card set, plus a promotional Batman piece. I bothered so that I could offer them up to my other super-hero blog, Justice League Detroit.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

1984 The Martian Manhunter Postcard by George Pérez

I'm not 100% sure how I was introduced to J'Onn J'Onzz. I suspect it was either DC Comics house ads circa 1984, or my having bought a heavily discounted Super Powers Collection action figure. I loved that toy, and was given a more thorough feel for the character through his appearance in Crisis on Infinite Earths #7. A saleswoman at Waldenbooks thought I was just too cute in my raggedy Houston Oilers jacket, and gave me the comic for free just before I went on a trip to Colorado Springs. Not only did the Martian Manhunter come off well in the double-sized issue, but in my mind he would always be at his coolest when drawn by the master himself, George Pérez. Also, Supergirl died, but that stuff never takes. There must be something about the nomadic Martian, because a dinged copy of Justice League International #8 was one of the last comics I read in Texas, and a guest appearance in Action Comics #595 was among the first comics I bought when I arrived in Nevada. I'd tried Martian Manhunter#1 in 1988, and was not amused, so I tended to discount any further J'Onn J'Onzz solo reading. I followed the Martian Manhunter's appearance irregularly for years after that, mostly as a result of being a Justice League fan. Alternately, I started buying Justice League Task Force for its Nightwing appearances, and the post-Zero Hour J.L.A. for Wonder Woman and Hawkman. Despite lots of good stories and nostalgia for my action figure, I didn't truly become a diehard fan until 1996, through Mark Waid, Fabian Nicieza, Darick Robertson & Jeff Johnson's Justice League: A Midsummer's Nightmare mini-series. It was like a therapy session had unearth repressed memories. Something about the moment where J'Onzz's family is taken from him again hit me with a tidal wave of emotions related to years of accumulated stories. I was an old lady sitting on the bus sucking humbugs, finally realizing I was a Rider on the Storm. I was a J'Onzz Fan, man! JLA and my introduction to the information superhighway soon followed, and upon learning there were no Martian Manhunter fan sites on the internet, I resolved to one day build the first. It took me a couple of years to get started, by which time a few sites had emerged, but they're long gone now. My Martian Manhunter: The Rock of the JLA lasted a couple or three years, and was a major learning experience. A little over two years ago, inspired by Rob Kelly's The Aquaman Shrine, I decided I would reconstitute my old site material into a daily blog. The Idol-Head of Diabolu has, to this day, barely touched any of the old material. This is one part because I'm a dimwit masochist, another part due to my becoming a better writer, and yet another part due to the format freeing me to both deeper and broader exploration of the character than I would have otherwise considered. Above is one of my favorite images of the Manhunter from Mars, a lovely postcard I picked up on eBay about a decade ago. I used to feature it prominently on my old site, along with the two articles Who is the Martian Manhunter? and J'Onn & Me, neither of which have been restored to the net. George Pérez produced 16 postcards for the unnumbered JLA set. Also featured were the Sword of the Atom (Ray Palmer,) Aquaman, Batman, Black Canary, Elongated Man (& Sue Dibny,) the Flash (Barry Allen,) Firestorm (Ronnie Raymond,) Green Arrow, Green Lantern (Hal Jordan,) Hawkman (and Hawkgirl, of Thanagar,) the new Justice League of America (Detroit Era members Steel II, Gypsy, Vibe and Vixen,) Red Tornado, Superman, Wonder Woman and Zatanna. You can view signed versions of all the cards here. Card Back Text:
THE MARTIAN MANHUNTER Brought to earth by the ill-fated Professor Erdel and unable to return to Mars, J'onn J'onzz adopted human form. His powers include telepathy, super-strength, flight, and invisibility. His only weakness: vulnerability to fire.

Friday, November 6, 2009

nurghophonic jukebox: " Come Back When You Grow Up" by Bobby Vee

Written By: Martha Sharp
Released: 1967
Album: Come Back When You Grow Up
Single?: #3 on the U.S. Billboard Pop Chart

Come back when you grow up, girl
You're still livin' in a paper-doll world
Livin' ain't easy, lovin's twice as tough
So come back, baby, when you grow up

You look real good like a woman now
Your mind hasn't gotten the message somehow
So if you can't take it 'n' the goin' gets rough
Come back, baby, when you grow up

I want you girl but your wide-eyed innocence
Has really messed up my mind, yeah-eah-eah
I'd rather you get your very first heartbreak
Somewhere else along the line

Come back when you grow up, girl
You're still livin' in a paper-doll world
Some day be a woman ready to love
Come back, baby, when you grow up

Come back when you grow up, girl
You've still got a lotta time left in the world
You'll some day be a woman ready to love
Come back, baby, when you grow up

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Crisis On Earth Blog: DC Challenge Preview

Your regularly scheduled post has been preempted so that we may bring you a special crossover event. Today on comic book-themed blogs across the internet, DC Comics characters are being spotlighted in a trivia challenge. Your DC Challenge, if you choose to accept it, involves reading each question, and clicking the link assigned to the answer you believe to be correct. The correct answer will open up a new tab/window on your browser leading to another character's page. The three incorrect answers will do the same, but these pages will likely feature more questions. The fewer the questions, the more likely you will be directed to a goal page featuring a lush scan from an obscure George Pérez pin-up featuring every major character involved in this event. Also, a fifth "E" answer option will lead you to a page that will give you all the information you need to solve the question, and give you a chance to read up on a given site. We all hope you enjoy this holiday season scavenger hunt, and the new comics blogs you'll be exposed to!

The Blue Devil kissed which of the following members of the Justice League of America in an early issue of his 1980s solo series?
A) Mera
B) Hawkgirl
C) Black Canary
D) Zatanna
E) I don't know/Error Message

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Adventures of Mark Twain & The Mysterious Stranger

From around 1890 until his death in 1910, Mark Twain made numerous attempts at writing a story about morality and the failings of the human race. The first version to see print was titled The Mysterious Stranger, A Romance by Twain biographer Albert Bigelow Paine. After Paine's death, it was discovered that he had actually collapsed several of Twain's unpublished efforts into one, heavily re-editing and re-contextualizing the material. These other unpolished or unfinished variations include The Chronicle of Young Satan; No. 44, the Mysterious Stranger: Being an Ancient Tale Found in a Jug and Freely Translated from the Jug; and Schoolhouse Hill, the latter involving Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer. Several film versions of these projects have come into being, including Will Vinton's 1985 stop motion The Adventures of Mark Twain, also called Comet Quest. The above is a clip from the claymation effort, in which Twain, Huckleberry, Sawyer and Becky Thatcher meet Satan. When it aired on cable-TV's The Disney Channel, this sequence was excised.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Blue Tale

Once upon a time, there was a wonderfully small village filled with the tiniest, most delightful beings on all the Earth. These Smurfs were just three apples tall, had blue skin, and did their very best to care for one another.

The Smurfs were active and enthusiastic. They typically lived in mushrooms, and took pleasure in the little things.

Sadly, one day, a terrible smurftastophy destroyed the Smurfs' entire community, as devastating swirling blades ripped their houses out at their roots.

The Smurfs were forced to make due in their surroundings, hunting temporary shelter, and fearful of malevolent humans who would pursue them in their most desperate times.

Gutters, dips, plumbing-- the Smurfs sought whatever shelter they could find. Refugees, they were in constant fear of discovery and consumption.

The Smurfs immediately began to work toward a solution to their problems, calculating their needs and abilities against their circumstances.

The mystic of the Smurfs quested after the cause of their problems, and learned they were to be permanently displaced by an air-conditioned shopping center.

Papa Smurf, the wizened leader and chief scientist of the the community, developed a formula to produce new mushroom homes. However, the development was too slow, too sparse, and too fragile for the Smurfs' needs. Also, chemicals had rendered the soil too toxic for farming.

Despite their inherent optimism, some Smurfs were terribly frustrated by their living conditions, and lashed out at their surroundings.

Papa Smurf called a town meeting, announcing his intention to lead his people to a better, more fertile land.

The Smurfs began to gather their most precious belongs; just enough to carry on their backs; for the lengthy journey ahead.

Wearing her garb of mourning, Smurfette baked rations for the sojourning Smurfs in her underground cave.

Lonely, heart-wrenching music could be heard as the village and life the Smurfs once knew was laid to rest.

All together now, the Smurfodus began.

Scouts were sent ahead to insure as best as possible the Smurfs' safety and advise on their direction.

More often than not, they found concrete, glass, steel-- nothing that could sustain their agrarian lifestyle.

With great trepidation, the Smurfs ventured further from the world they knew, and into the unknown wilderness.

Like a wee mazarine Valkyrie, Smurfette was more than equal to the task of defending her loved ones.

Again and again, the Smurfs found themselves in wholly alien landscapes, fending off predators in a path fraught with peril.

Recognizing they were now in a world not their own, the Smurfs did there best to adapt and make their way. Diminutive but industrious, they tried to integrate into the manners of man.

Their good nature was too often abused, as they struggled to find two pennies to rub together.

This urban jungle was a hard place, but the Smurfs maintained their composure, their dignity, and made do with what was provided to them.

A dark, foreboding portal to an entirely unknown sphere was uncovered.

Out the other side, the Smurfs trekked down a steep decline.

Only to find themselves staring over the edge of a treacherous cliff.

Some of the Smurfs raged against their poor luck, but all eventually collected themselves and continued.

Eagle eyes spied a watering hole and small farm ahead.

The Smurfs were jubilant about access to a clean pond and prospects for their future.

The Smurfs were delighted in their new garden, celebrating with much jubilation, and offering up their few possessions to share with their neighbors.

Whether through chores, treats, or merely their gentle company, the Smurfs did whatever they could to ease any concerns about their presence and earn their keep.

However, all was not well in the garden, as their good natures were met by pesticides and traps intended to shuffle them off this mortal coil.

Though they meant no one any harm, and in fact tried to improve every life they touched, the Smurfs were swept out of the garden and off into renewed exile.

Is there no place the Smurfs will ever call home? Must they forever wander this world, unwanted and unloved. Do you know someone who would open their hearts and hearths to these delightful creatures? Won't you...?


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