Pepsi Maximum Challenge: Romulan Ale

While visiting relatives in Oklahoma, I was offered the opportunity to purchase a mason jar full of "authentic, home brewed moonshine" in the flavor of my choice for something like $6-9. I was concerned about the potential health hazards, as I'd never dared much past 100 proof, and envisioned anti-freeze-induced blindness, hallucinations and/or blood poisoning in my future. Still, how could I pass this up? An hour later, I was treated to heavily watered down Everclear "distilled" through supposedly having been boiled in a pot, with cheap, weak artificial flavoring. Splitting the jar, I barely brushed against a buzz.

This brings us to "Romulan Ale," the blue alien alcohol so potent that in the Star Trek future, it's outlawed by the Federation of Planets. While I've heard of more terrestrial mixed drink concoctions intended to replicate the e.t. juice, this is a studio approved energy drink available for sale wherever geeky bullshit is sold. It goes down very mild and slightly fruity, somewhat like those girly low-calorie energy shots. I've tasted far worse.

The problem is, this is supposed to be Romulan Ale, described by Webster's as "an alcoholic beverage brewed especially by rapid fermentation from an infusion of malt with the addition of hops" ... from Romulus. There are no hops here. This is without malt. This is a tepid energy drink. Further, Romulan Ale is supposed to be the gutrot of choice five-hundred years from now. That means this energy drink is further evidence that everything about Star Trek is pussy, and that Tyler Durden would shit out the Shat. We're talking Edward Norton here, and not Derek Vinyard Norton, but unnamed-narrator-who-kicks-his-own-ass Norton. Regardless of how the fight goes, if you can consider Jared Leto a worthy opponent, you're limp but manageable, and yet still more manly than the entire Star Trek universe (who creams over the Shat getting replaced by a guy whose closest contemporary would be the dude who played Human Torch in Fantastic Four.)

In summary, Romulan Ale is an energy drink for little girls and Klingons, the latter of whom I will drink under the table and draw Cardassian cocks on their cheeks in Sharpie marker while they're passed out and drooling.

Pepsi Maximum Challenge: Mana Energy Potion

There was a time when it was a popular dismissal to say something tasted like medicine. Nowadays, medicine is actually pretty darned sweet, and if it were not for the unit cost, addiction, and disgusting side effects, I could see downing a smooth, thick bottle of cough syrup on a warm summer's day. I think it would be like a milk shake, only Jolly Rancherier.

Mana Energy Potion tastes like medicine from back in the days when a spoonful of sugar was required to help avoid bitter beer face in the underage drinker. Remember when Coca-Cola tried adding vitamins to its formula, and it tasted like Coca-Cola with vitamins in its formula? Now remove the Coca-Cola. Manna from Heaven, this ain't. Further, I drank it on a day when I was feeling really wiped out, and it brought me all the way back up to below average. True, its only 25 calories a dose, but when you're shooting something so vile, you'd just assume take the hit.

Pepsi Maximum Challenge: Pepsi Natural

While I was down in Mexico recently, I decided to try a number of different soda for variety's sake, and Pepsi Natural had to be the most interesting. Per its press release, Natural consists of "lightly sparkling water, natural sugar, natural caramel and kola nut extract. The amber-hued cola gets its color from natural caramel and natural apple extract. From the amount of bubbles to the foam that rises to the top of beverage when it's poured, Pepsi Natural offers a brand-new cola experience."

From this, you may rightly gather that Pepsi Natural is more than a bit fruity. It goes down well enough, but then this queer caramel/nutty aftertaste kicks in. You may go in for that sort of thing cold, but as it warms/flattens, you'll get whiplash from the funky kick this stuff delivers. I brought one of those funky 2.5 liter Mexican bottles home with me, but didn't crack it for a week. The first pour offered a six inch head of diehard foam, and once it dissipated enough, a second attempt to pour saw my bottle explode all over the kitchen. Handle with extreme care.

Pepsi Natural is an interesting change of pace for the pop curious, but I started to resent it with prolonged exposure. Also, at roughly twelve and a half calories per ounce, it ain't remotely diet. Anyway, it's being test-marketed in ten major U.S. cities, so hopefully you'll get the chance to try it yourself soon enough.

The Pepsi Maximum Challenge

I never had much use for Coca-Cola. I've always found the most popular option suspect, found the taste just "okay," and naturally gravitate away from the bright/red end of the spectrum towards the dark/blue. Meanwhile, while I dug the patriotic cans, second-best option Pepsi always tasted flat and boring. So, for most of my life, I was an unfaithful, alternative drinker (though I had more flings with Mountain Dew than most.)

Well, a man gets older, puts on a few pounds, loses some teeth, and realizes its time to settle down with a nice diet soda. This happened to me about 2 1/2 years ago, but never content to settle, I gave just about every one on the market a spin. What I discovered fairly early on was that Pepsi Max was the one to beat.

Pepsi Max has been available outside the United States since 1993, but key sweetening agent acesulfame potassium kept it off the shelves for years pending FDA approval. Per Wikipedia, "A separate formulation of "Pepsi Max" was introduced in the United States on June 1, 2007 as 'Diet Pepsi Max'. Unlike the international beverage, its ingredient label mentions ginseng, and the drink contains nearly twice the caffeine (46 mg vs. 24 mg per 8 fl oz) compared to Diet Pepsi." Let me tell you, as an alternative to "doing the Dew," the Max was a delightful substitute. It had a bite missing from regular Pepsi and Coke alike, and I felt the difference an "Invigorating Cola." It also had a very subdued, sophisticated logo I was all over. I drank the stuff like life water, and if it's true that aspartame gives brain lesions to lab rats, I will be your perfect first human case study for extreme abuse.


I was extremely disappointed when "diet Pepsi Max" tried to appeal to the beer & hotdogs crowd by switching to a more pointy, extreme logo. It was like Rob Liefeld had taken over art chores on an Alan Moore book, but in pop form. A diet drink for bros, yo! Blessedly, the revamp did not extend to the drink itself, and the new look was swiftly nixed by a line wide revamp.

After years of ugly, overly busy logos, Pepsi went all Eurocentric and riding the Obama wave, simplified their look like crazy. Now simply "pepsi max," it looks like Ikea, but still tastes borderline illegal, and I can totally roll with that... especially if you plaster it all over Kim Kardashian's ass.

And so, I will now take (in truth continue) the Pepsi Maximum Challenge, in which I will compare the Cadillac of diet pop with its many competitors. I do this because I'm obsessive, and because I'd like a different kind a filler post from when I get behind.
THE PEPSI MAXIMUM CHALLENGERS:
Pepsi Natural