A Frank Review of "Rise: Blood Hunter" (2007)

The Short Version? Vampire chick hunts them what turned her.
What Is It? Action/Horror.
Who's In It? Lucy Liu. Michael Chiklis.
Should I See It? No.

Blade, the movie adaptation of the Marvel Comics vampire hunting character, could have been a more respected and influential film. It was forward looking in its use of wire-fu set to dance music, and was the first decent Marvel movie, until The Matrix wiped its ass with Blade's innovations.

While watching Rise: Blood Hunter, I could have sworn I was also seeing a comic book adaptation, but this is supposed to be an original creation. It trades out Blade's gender and minority, but most of the same beats are in place. There's a convoluted origin story offering a tragic role for the protagonist's mother. The hunter stalks the glam-rock wannabe white male vampire who was responsible for their affliction, aided by a blond female sidekick. Both are mentored by older male characters with an agenda, who helps arm them with tricked-out weapons. Both are captured in the third act, bled nearly dry through contrived means, but escape to exact their revenge. So I guess you can say Rise: Blood Hunter is essentially Blade, but pussy-whipped.

For starters, Sadie Blake is an intrepid reporter in the Lois Lane mode, until she falls prey to the vampires. Sadly, she then goes from long, attractive hair to a shoulder length style that kind of looks like a 70s ethnic Lois variation. In fact, much of the film seems to be modeled after that decade's exploitation cinema and low-rent genre television. Despite the promise of martial action, the Blood Hunter mostly just wanders around town, investigating the whereabouts of the vampires. Her longest fight sequence is against a late-middle-aged Asian man who gives her way too much trouble. Instead of high kicks, Blake tends to just shoot toothpicks at people with her wimpy little collapsible crossbow. Sunnydale would have eaten her alive inside a week.

Also like grindhouse fodder, Rise promises sex and violence, but the nudity is sparse and discreet, while blood effects are all the gore you should expect. It's all so tepid, it'll make you long to revisit Ultraviolet. Certainly, the film could have used a believable action star. I know Lucy Liu gets a lot of work as a dragon lady, but I've never been able to get past what an obvious put-on that is. I usually only buy Liu when she's more bubbly, as in Lucky Number Slevin or Charlie's Angels. On the other hand, Liu's dramatic moments are outstanding, as she deals with the shock, revulsion, alienation, and depression that comes with her condition. These elements are also among the silver linings of the movie, as the combination of vampire hunting and chick flick isn't common.

Michael Chiklis gets the thankless part of Steve Trevor to this half-pint Wonder Woman. Anytime Chiklis and Liu share screen time, I wondered who seriously thought there was going to be any chemistry there. Chiklis on his own is even worse, mouthing the tired alcoholic-driven-cop lines you've heard a million times, without any seeming conviction.

Carla Gugino is laughably bad as the blond femme fatale Eve, looking tired and out of place. I can't recall much about the actor playing the main villain, except that he was neither Stephen Dorff nor Stuart Townsend, but might as well have been. Robert Forster and Marilyn Manson are buried in here somewhere, if playing "Where's Waldo" for two hours sounds like fun.

The most interesting thing for me was following the strong current of misandry running though the script. Sadie goes to great lengths to save a female victim at the beginning of the film, but brutalizes and feeds off of a host of men over the running time. There's an odd tenderness to how Sadie relates to Eve, the woman most responsible for her predicament, while her relations with every male is marked by aggression, assault, and murder. As I recall, every major male character tries to kill her at least once, even her "partner" played by Chiklis.

In closing, Rise: Blood Hunter deserved its direct-to-dvd dismissal, but has some weird subtext and a few interesting ideas, if you really must watch another vampire slayer picture. Otherwise, you can surely find better ways to kill time.

Kitty's Kostume Korner (April, 1983)

The All-New, All-Different X-Men owed a huge debt to the Legion of Super-Heroes, which continues to this day. One example comes from the comic book that produced my first heroine crush, Uncanny X-Men #168, on one Katherine "Kitty" Pryde. The story was a solo spotlight by Chris Claremont and Paul Smith in their prime, while editor Louise Jones (a.k.a. "Weezie" Simonson) offered a look at reader submitted costumes. Jones/Simonson had solicited submissions in 1981, when Kitty was going by another of her many codenames, Sprite. I can't tell you how many Legionnaires were clothed by their audience, and such maneuvers are excellent ways to fully engage your readership. If nothing else, the color scheme of that second offering is very close to the one used for the "Shadowcat" identity after the Kitty Pryde and Wolverine mini-series.

Sigh. In 1983, she was the older woman, and now I'm more than twice her age. Regardless of what Wooderson said about high school girls in Dazed and Confused, that fact just depresses me.

nurgh's Worst. Songs. Ever. #2: Heartspark Dollarsign by Everclear

Everclear's songwriting is consistently awkward, poorly rhymed when they bother, and repetitive in theme. The best/worst example I can think of is "Heartspark Dollarsign," which somehow manages to mash-up trailer park lust & self-aggrandizement with a soapbox for white liberal guilt. Added bonus: One of the most dreadful choruses of all time. "She says, she says, 'you're possessed of a power that's bigger than the pain!" What, was Art Alexakis channeling Celine Dion or something? The song continues Everclear's generic 70's inspired pop rock sound, often mistaken as "alternative" by people who accept press releases as breaking news. Oh, here's that skeevy video...



Heartspark Dollarsign

Time stops when the whispers blare
The voices drop hard, but the eyes still stare
The world resolves into a deaths head grin
Because I walk with pride with a black girlfriend

My mom said not to bring her around
Cause she's black
My family would put her down
I'll break the white-trash ties that bind
Trade a love so pure for a hate so blind

She said -- she said
Forget the fact that I don't look like you
She said -- she said
You're possessed with a power
Bigger than the pain

Time stops when we lie so close
In my room where we share
What no one knows
From the day that we start
Until the day that we end
I know I know I know now
We will never find a place where we can just fit in
Me and my black girlfriend

She said -- she said
Fend for yourself -- you're alone
She said -- she said
You are possessed with a power
Bigger than the pain

A power bigger than the pain

Heartspark dollarsign
Heartspark dollarsign

Emanuelle in America (Part 1, 1977)

Character Name: Emanuelle Rogers
Actress: Laura Gemser
Actual Movie Title: Emanuelle in America
Known Aliases: "Brutal Nights," "Black Emanuelle en Amérique"
Country of Origin: Italy
Character Nationality: U.S.A.
Occupation: Photographer (news, nudes)
Zodiac Sign: Gemini
Married: No.
Locales: New York City, Venice, Washington D.C., Caribbean
Release Date: January 5, 1977 (Italy)
Director: Joe D'Amato
DVD: Emanuelle In America (1976)
Stats: Third Black Emanuelle, 2nd with Laura Gemser

Story: In a montage, Emanuelle rode the Roosevelt Island sky tram, walked the streets of Manhattan, bought a newspaper (her own?,) drove across a city bridge, and was solicited by an umbrella hat salesman. She did this all in a white suit, by the way. The montage was intercut with scenes from her destination: a photo shoot involving three female nude models, a dandy dressed male named Howie, and a motorcycle. Howie was first to exit as the girls dressed, while Emanuelle complimented Janet (Stefania Nocilli) on her weight loss. Janet complained to Emanuelle that her new intellectual boyfriend Tony (Giulio Bianchi) refused her sex. Emanuelle assured Janet that she had the right equipment to change his mind, then departed from the artistically sexed-up studio.

Driving off in her blue sedan, Emanuelle has a gun put to her head by a man in the back seat. She at first assumes this to be a robbery, and tries to hand over her money. When refused, Emanuelle offers her car, but the man declares he wants only to strangle her. Emanuelle pulls over onto a side street, unsure why she's been targeted, as her assailant hops into the passenger seat. The man begins preaching about the loss of values and ideals in the streets. "By killing you, I'll give the world a lesson in morality." Emanuelle deduces that this is Tony, who blames Emanuelle for damning his angelic Janet with her nude photography. "You are evil! You stimulate the basest, most inhuman instincts in people! Sex! Shame! Hell and damnation!" Emanuelle begins to seduce Tony, explaining that an executioner should know his victim, as well as guilting him with her friendship to Janet. Tony admits that he's a virgin who was scarred as a child by seeing his mother. While Tony rants about redeeming and marrying Janet, Emanuelle began making plays for Tony's zipper...

"You're right. Sometimes sex is shameful-- corruption, prostitution-- but not always. When it happens naturally, freely, then it's a vital force. It's happiness... it's cleanliness... it's love, even if it lasts only a moment." Speaking of which, the blowjob that follows is brief and anticlimactic. A panicked Tony drops his loaded automatic pistol and runs from the car, though he realizes "I love it!" Emanuelle giggles as she closes her passenger door.

After a shower, Emanuelle discusses the matter with Bill (Riccardo Salvino) as he mock aims the piece away from her. "You can have it... go to the police with it-- do whatever you want! Gee, what a scare that was." Emanuelle chooses not to report Tony, as she was still in one piece, concerned about hurting Janet, and hopeful she had helped Tony. Bill pours drinks from his cigarette-pack-shaped bar, hoping to "celebrate" with Emanuelle in their remaining fifteen minutes together. This couple knew each other well, as a photo of them together hung on the wall, though they "never get to see each other, because their jobs get in the way. Bill darling, we've been repeating the same things for so many years." Bill threatens to marry Emanuelle one day, but she protests that it would be a crime against freedom, "which is a must for both of us." Bill jokes about shooting himself, so Emanuelle finally submits to the sexin'. "...Who needs a dead lover?" She calls to tell Joe (Efrem Appel) she'll be tied-up until 8 o'clock...

...To Be Continued...

A Frank Review of "Che: Part One & Part Two" (2008)

The Short Version? A Revolutionary Life.
What Is It? Docudrama.
Who's In It? Benicio Del Toro
Should I See It? No.

I've seen nine of director Steven Soderbergh twenty-five released films, and it occurs to me that there's only two I've ever had any inclination to see again afterward. While fairly left wing, I'm absolutely opposed to communism, and I'm more likely to be seen in one of those "Planet of the Apes" Che-parody shirts than the real thing. I suspect I am not the target audience for this picture. However, my date to this four & one-half hour theatrical ordeal (discounting a twenty minute intermission) was a self-proclaimed Latin American commie who counts both Che and Fidel Castro among her personal heroes, and even she only liked Part One. In essence, critics who would steer the average viewer to this feature need to extract their tongues from Soderbergh's pucker.

Che: Part One, (sometimes called "The Argentine") isn't your average bio-pic, in that it avoids exposition like the plague. It instead favors allowing one to feel they're in the presence of Ernesto Che Guevara as he relates anecdotes from his time fighting Batista. This angle removes any tension from the narrative, though it's interesting that despite his strong charisma, this interpretation of Che presents a humble, considerate soul. Most of the vision and strategy is credited to Fidel Castro, curiously played by Demián Bichir as a sort of South American Marty Scorsese. While Che is presented to be a capable, resolute individual and unimpeachable idealist, he also comes across as an largely insignificant mascot for the cause. While I appreciate Benicio Del Toro's low-key performance, calling it Oscar-worthy strikes me as ridiculous, though not nearly so much as a forty-year-old man trying to pass himself off as mid-20s. Remember when actresses of old were laughed off the screen for such hubris? I fail to see the resemblance, is what I'm saying. Ultimately, Che: Part One was a tepid, passable work, of interest only to the subject's followers

Che: Part Two (sometimes called "Guerrilla") was where the real trouble began. Much has been made of its, shall we say "deliberate" pacing? I feel that taken on its own, that aspect is overstated. However, beginning as it does near the three hour point of a Roadshow Presentation, it was already behind the eight ball. Further, if there was any question in your mind about the true merits of Che the man after Part One, you're liable to be overwhelmed with doubt in the second half. The entire picture seems to revolve around showing Che's every miscalculation, misstep, and outright bungle. In this portion, Che appears as an incompetent fool unable to exploit his own mystique, nor the significant resources provided by Castro to accomplish the tiniest semblance of success. The action is understated, there are virtually no other characters of note, and the ending seems to last an eternity. It is a lengthy study in human error, offering little else, and I have to question whether the fault lies in the real-life Che or the director of his biography. Speaking of failure, Mr. Soderbergh, was your intention for the audience to root for Che's execution, just to get the thing over with already?

A final warning: While technically an English-language film, the majority of the dialogue is in Spanish and subtitled. Well, at least this isn't another one of those films where every European speaks with an English accent, while every Latino sounds like Cheech Marin...

Despero Custom Valentine Card

For those in search of that most elusive of Valentine's Day sentiments...



I'VE HAD MY EYES ON YOU!

For your love, I am DESPERO!

My bishop will take your queen, placing you in check!

Your people will succumb to my HYPNOTIC POWERS!

Your resistance will crumble at the sight of my THIRD EYE!

YOU WILL BE MINE!

1976 NCG Merchandise DC Comics Super-Hero T-Shirts Ad

Batman, Superman or Shazam for $3.48! Why Wonder Woman ran a full dollar extra is a mystery to me. Licensing fees from the TV show? Subsidizing a less popular character (than Captain Marvel?!?)