Friday, August 1, 2008

Ask's Top 99 Women 2006 Edition 100-50

A year or so ago, I was bored enough to do running commentary on Ask's list of the 99 most desirable female celebrities of 2006 and 2007 on MySpace. ...nurgh... was never intended to become a daily blog, but 15-30 people bother with it on a regular basis, so I try to offer something up on the regular. Meanwhile, it's a boring Friday night on which no one has called me, I've indulged in a bit of the drinky, and I'm so not inclined to generate any new material this evening. Therefore, here's half of the 2007 list, with the other half earmarked for tomorrow. For the record, I've since come around somewhat to Beyonce and Rachel Bilson...

99) Anna Kournikova: Weren't her fifteen minutes up when she could sleep with people without their getting arrested? I thought that was the appeal? I mean, she's a lousy tennis player and not exceptionally pretty or anything. I always chalked her up to a popular complex.

98) Piper Perabo: Very cute, and maybe someday she'll appear in a film I don't walk out on.

97) Vanessa Marcil: Best known for appearing in Beverly Hills 90210 and General Hospital. I have to ask, which men are familiar with her oeuvre exactly?

96) Nicole Kidman: How can she be so lowly ranked? Am I the only person who sat through "Eyes Wide Shut?" Yes, she's in a lot if similarly pretentious and tedious films, but she's naked in half of them. Good naked, B'God! Full frontal and everything! Added value is that she can act, and seems like someone who can hold a conversation. Let me tell you, I filled in these last few entries after doing the rest of the list, and its going to get much hairier from here. Travesty, I tell you!

95) Gabrielle Union: I don't believe I've ever seen her in anything ever, because the girl's resume is pretty atrocious. Still, I've drooled through some trailers.

94) Bryce Dallas Howard: So let me get this straight—Sam Raimi hired a gentle, angelic haired blond perfect to play doomed Gwen Stacey, except she's supposed to be vivacious Mary Jane Watson? So when Gwen finally does appear, we get a natural red-head dyed blond who looks like a cross between Opie and that creepy jail-bate stick girl from the O.C. guys inexplicably dig? Maybe I'm just suffering from Lloyd Benson Memorialitis, but you Ms. are no Gwen Stacy.

93) Lucy Liu: You might think after my last statement that I would be opposed to applying freckles to an Asian. You would be very, very wrong. I am much in favor of this intriguing jiggering of racial hallmarks. It's the mental reminder of Opie engaged in sexual congress I oppose.

92) Vanessa Hessler: I didn't know her either. She seems to be a model getting big in Europe. You're right to assume that means she looks like she falls somewhere between "Baby Doll" and "Taxi Girl," depending on who's doing her make-up that day.

91) Cameron Diaz: Such a sweet smile, and I enjoy everything its connected to. No, her script choices aren't especially sound, but I give her credit for picking some surprisingly dark fare at times ("The Last Supper", "Very Bad Things.") Can you believe she reminds me of Bette Davis? I think she's so convincing at playing a bitch, it bleeds over into her public perception. It's sometimes warranted, but forgivable, because how can you hate on that smile? Well okay, I'll admit she's not very convincing playing anything other than a bitch or ditz, but still…

90) Amanda Bynes: Can she legally be included on a list like this? I thought she fell further from the Olsen Twins and closer to that girl from the Harry Potter movies in terms of females it's entirely inappropriate for grown men to ogle. Then again, I think Malcolm is now old enough to be in the Middle of a beer run, but it still skeeves me out.

89) Tyra Banks: I used to really dig on Tyra in the early Victoria's Secret days, but she now seems to be torn between pre-crackhead Whitney airs and Eartha Kitt prickliness.

88) Krista Allen: I'm not saying she's completely lacking in charm, but if mail came to my house under the name "George Clooney," I think I'd aim higher.

87) Rosario Dawson: From the lips to the hips, yes, yes, God yes. She's like a caricature of exotic beauty made flesh. Its bizarre, yet undeniably arousing.

86) Hilary Duff: I'd accuse the staff of "Ask Men" of secretly trolling junior high campuses asking boys instead, except the only males I know who find this specimen attractive are middle aged "men" content to drive much too slowly past grade schools.

85) Diane Lane: Definitely a case of Latter-Day Hottie in my book. I can remember stumbling across Lane in the occasional flick throughout her career, without her ever making any impression on me. However, since her mid-life mid-career renaissance, my eye has definitely cast her way. She is the MILF to Diane Keaton's GILF.

84) Alyson Hannigan: "My theory is, that when it comes to important subjects, there's only [certain] ways a person can answer… Somewhere, you have to make a choice, and that choice tells you who you are." I agree, so its pretty clear my willingness to climb over Sarah Michelle Gellar, Eliza Dushku, and the rest of the Buffy babes to get to Willow tells you, if nothing else, that I am a nerd at heart.

83) Morgan Webb: I get it. You like video games. Since you'll never find a cute girl who truly shares your passion for comic books and Dungeons & Dragons, I can understand your fixation with Morgan Webb. Just don't try to convince me she'd make this list if she wasn't on G4, and we're copacetic.

82) Sung Hi Lee: So clearly the site made sure to "Ask Asian Men," because as appealing as this girl is to the eye and as probable as it is throngs dug her in Playboy, who else would have remembered her name?

81) Jennifer Lopez: Sure, she stands in direct opposition to everything I like about a woman's personality, but I cannot claim immunity to her tan skin and ample booty. File under "Object of Lust" only.

80) Blake Lively: In every year of every generation, there come a girl on one of these lists who is a complete question mark to everyone henceforth. This is her story.

79) Zhang Ziyi: Now, to those who might have taken umbrage to my comments under number eighty-two, I present to the jury that I know Zhang Ziyi by name. This is not because I've liked any of her films, because I haven't. I didn't even make it far enough into "Memoirs of a Geisha" to see her. I say this because, even for a race known for its beauty, you've got to crown her checker. She's that shade of lovely that you need a writer for Vogue to bring their thesaurus in to describe.

78) Uma Thurman: I quoted Uma speaking Tarantino's dialogue earlier in this list, and I've got a picture of her hanging on my wall. So why don't I find her more attractive? Why do I find myself siding with Ethan Hawke in the split, even if he was a total douche in "Reality Bites?" Possibly because I want the $16 I shelled out at the box office for "Kill Bill" back, and the trailer for "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" calls Witch Hazel from Looney Tunes to mind. But hey, she was the only good thing about "Tape."

77) Heather Graham: Total guilty pleasure, and a continued embarrassment. I chalk this up to my wandering obsession with every female lead from Twin Peaks. I'm still waiting for Peggy Lipton and the Log Lady to stir me, but I have caught myself checking out Piper Laurie on occasion.

76) Christina Milian: I have to say, in her favor, that she's very compact. It looks like you could toss her in a gym bag and save airfare as carry-on luggage. That's really my only strong opinion regarding Milian.

75) Samaire Armstrong: That's an interesting handle she's got there.

74) Kate Beckinsale: I very much enjoyed her pants in "Van Helsing," far and away the highlight of that movie. Otherwise, I just don't get it. Do guys have some unresolved feelings for Posh Spice they project on this woman, or what?

73) Lisa Ray- An attractive woman, sure. Also, clear evidence the site's editors went out of their way to be inclusive, because who outside of Bollywood aficionados know this person?

72) Rachel Bilson: Not my type, but hey, mazel tov.

71) Molly Sims: See above. Multiply by a factor of three.

70) Natasha Bedingfield: Place your bets on the odds of a reappearance on next year's list. Longshots pay the best, right?

69) Rachel Weisz: Attractive. Nice body of work. Maybe I'm just biased against Britons, because I'm not feeling it.

68) Melania Knauss: What is it about rich Yankees and scary Eurotrash?

67) Catherine Zeta-Jones: Don't you hate it when, despite ample reason to go the other way, you feel more respect than attraction? Is it the Michael Douglas thing? I just don't know. We're also now at ten in a row since I acknowledged interest, so I'm guessing this is that fallow period where all the special interest crushes start to pile up.

66) Jennifer Garner: I found her appealing for a brief period when "Alias" was first getting started, but by the time she played Elektra in "Daredevil" I couldn't excuse her manliness. Lighting can be really harsh on her facial structure, and that hard body seems like it's got to have more than its fair share of testosterone.

65) Jennifer Esposito: While not as appealing as Mike's girlfriends on "Spin City" (I'm looking at you, Victoria Dillard,) Stacey Paterno was not only the most consistent eye candy, but smart enough to bail when Fox left the show.

64) Alyssa Milano: While I'm perverse enough to get some thrill out of seeing Tony Danza's daughter having an orgy in a vampire movie, I'm ultimately hung-up for the same reason. While some child stars have been able to mature past my mental image of their chief claim to fame, I'm afraid twelve seasons of "Charmed" still doesn't make her woman enough in my mind's eye to even consider.

63) Jaime Pressly: A former ballet dancer who's lithe form is quite capable of making me forget she's entirely too genuine playing one white trash role after another. My favorite non-nude memory? When she told Craig Kilborne her grandmother had a throw pillow inscribed with the truism "Men are like parking spaces—all the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped."

62) Holly Valance: She's Australian and named after that curtain rod cozy thing your granny has instead of curtains. That's all I've got.

61) Jennifer Connelly: I know I'm not the only one who liked her better with the unibrow and food in her belly. Not to mention spending more time with John Hughes and David Bowie than Ang Lee and Opie.

60) Leeann Tweeden: Yet another former Playmate to remind me why I actually do only read Playboy for the articles. Even then, it's really just for the Interview, which might explain why my subscription ran out.

59) Rachel Stevens: She was in "S Club 7." The limeys clearly have overmuch pull with the editors.

58) Mandy Moore: Y'know, I like Mandy Moore, as a person. If there was ever a GLOW-style cage throwdown amongst all the girls who tried to ride Britney Spears' pigtails, I'd be rooting for her. I just don't associate her with hot animal lust or feel any need to write the "o"s in her name as hearts. She just seems like someone you could really trust to watch your kids or something.

57) Katherine Heigl: Once again, seems nice, seems a tad butch, seems like I'm not down.

56) Megan Fox: Her boyfriend is Brian Austin Green. That's only slightly more reputable than going straight to the source of things white & wrong, Robert Van Winkle.

55) Bridget Moynahan: Isn't the one from "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang." What was her name again?

54) Ciara: She's behind a few danceable tunes, but is it just me, or does she look like Wanda Sykes cruising on a Saturday night?

53) Jennifer Love Hewitt: A bandwagon I never found myself on. I hated her from the facial scrub commercials onward. There's this "Party of Five" hierarchy that starts with Neve Campbell, who's yes a bit whiny and limited as an actress, but has some depth and makes interesting choices. Then there's J-Love, who's as dull and artificial as possible, walking in Campbell's shoes only so long as they don't stray from the popular mainstream. Finally, poor little Lacey Chabert, who since puberty has tried to become J-Love so completely that one worries she might one day murder Steven Weber with her shoe.

52) Denise Richards: Like every red-blooded American male, I too understand too well the shame of viewing "Wild Things" in the privacy of my own home. Like every American, I too understand this shame comes mostly from also having seen her turn as a nuclear physicist in a Bond movie, about as likely as Roberto Benigni turning up as Bond in a Bond movie. Which has led to my no longer being able to enjoy "Wild Things," which I guess is okay, because I could do with less of Kevin Bacon's bacon in my movie diet anyway.

51) Gwen Stefani: While I liked No Doubt from go, I suspected I could never tolerate listening to a full album of Stefani's distinctly nasal vocals. Well, I said the same thing about Billy Corrgan, and was proven wrong. However, despite my time as a Stefani apologist after "Love Angel Music Baby," I'm feeling a bit L.A.M.B.ed out. While I continue to believe Stefani's solo debut was intended to be campy as all heck, it doesn't change the fact I've had to suffer through "What You Waiting For?" "Cool" and "Luxurious" as truly painful singles in heavy rotation. This shit is bananas. B. A. N. A. N. A. S.

50) Beyonce: For good or ill, the only true successor of the Diana Ross legacy of dicking with your band until ascending to full-on diva status. On the other hand, she seems nowhere near as helpless and awful a person as, say, Mariah Carey. Which skirts the issue of my lack of attraction, but I felt like sharing.

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