Captain America Trailer (2011)

I'm currently watching Twin Peaks on DVD, and I have come to realize that between the first and second seasons, FBI Special Agent Dale Coopers goes from a brilliant Holmesian detective to a clueless tool of supernatural forces. Regardless, I continue to enjoy and respect the character, because actor Kyle MacLachlan brought such a unique energy and enthusiasm to the role. Had any other actor played Cooper, it would have been a completely different and likely diminished character.

Captain America is like Dale Cooper. Spider-Man is an everyman that can be pretty well personified by a wide assortment of nebbishy actors, and Batman stars the suit unless the actor gets in its way (Mr. Clooney.) With Superman, you can cast a "type" and pretty much be okay. Lacking real super-powers or a costume that translates to live action, yet being expected to command the actions of demigods and adoration of crowds, you need an actor with serious presence to pull off Captain America.

All the advance press on the new Captain America movie has shown Chris Evans, without the benefit of his Johnny Storm sarcasm, being "worn" by his underwhelming, anachronistic costume. Despite an impressive physique, Evans is just swimming inside this get-up and drowning in unmet expectations. Whereas every new piece of film validates Chris Hemsworth as rising to the challenge of playing Thor in a film that seems to hit the exact right notes, my expectations of Captain America keep sinking lower and lower.

The trailer shows the special effects guys have done a fine job of making Evans look like a 4F weakling, but then he pulls this steady Miley Cyrus duck face, and they stick him in some blatant CGI super-soldier pod with an '80s anime look. I don't care if we still don't have super-soldier pods in 2011-- I want a super soldier pod that at least has a 1940s aesthetic to buy into the fantasy. Put some fins on that bitch or something.

The pod opens and its like, "hot damn, that guy is ready for Chippendale's." Then he starts talking, and I'm again reminded that the vessel might have been enlarged, but the soul hasn't. Chris Evans is still just a dude in a bulky, awkward costume. He lifts that shield like a man-purse, and I'm like "whoa, you grab that chain like it was a direct line to the boredom center of my brain." It gave me a flashback to Tim Roth pumped up with the super-soldier serum in The Incredible Hulk. I saw that a year or so ago, and was like "Mr. Orange is rocking the grenade launching acrobatics like he's on an invisible jungle gym! I hope the Captain America movie can top this." Chris Evans isn't rocking anything. He's sort of playing hopscotch by himself on the lonely end of the sidewalk. He's cowering behind a shield while a limey skirt fires on him for giggles.

Any one of the ladies in Sucker Punch has bigger balls that Chris Evans, and Dum-Dum Dugan in the background of that one shot has more presence. The Captain America trailer is a half-minute history of World War II flying fail.