Thursday, January 8, 2009

nurghophonic jukebox: "I'm Gonna be a Wheel Someday" by Fats Domino

Talk about a study in economy. Two verses, one (charitably) serving double-duty as a chorus. Each verse features heavy repetition, often of whole lines. Taken out of the context of the song, the lyrics read like a schoolyard taunt. If this were released by Avril Lavigne, I'd tear her to shreds. From Fats though, it's awesome. It's all in the delivery, compelling you to sing along. You don't admire its complexity-- you just enjoy yourself on a tune you're actually capable of memorizing with ease. Plus, it's in and out in a couple of minutes, never overstaying its welcome...

Written by: Fats Domino, Dave Bartholomew, & Roy Hayes.
Released: 1959



I'm gonna be a wheel someday
I'm gonna be somebody
I'm gonna be a real gone cat,
then I won't want you.
Everything's gonna go my way,
and I won't need nobody.
I'm gonna be a real gone cat,
then I won't want you.

You will cry-ay-ay-ay-ay
You will cry-ay-ay-ay-ay,
You'll be wonderin' why I don't look at you
when I go strollin by.
I'm gonna be a wheel someday
I'm gonna be somebody
I'm gonna be a real gone cat,
then I won't want you.

I'm gonna be a wheel someday
I'm gonna be somebody
I'm gonna be a real gone cat,
then I won't want you.
Everything's gonna go my way,
and I won't need nobody.
I'm gonna be a real gone cat,
then I won't want you.

You will cry-ay-ay-ay-ay
You will cry-ay-ay-ay-ay,
You'll be wonderin' why I don't look at you
when I go strollin by.
I'm gonna be a wheel someday
I'm gonna be somebody
I'm gonna be a real gone cat,
then I won't want you.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade (1978) Part 1: Black Emanuelle in Afrika



Character Name: Emanuelle
Actress: Laura Gemser
Actual Movie Title: "La Via Della Prostituzione"
Known Aliases: "Emanuelle and the Girls of Madame Claude"; "Black Emanuelle in Afrika"; "Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade"
Country of Origin: Italy
Character Nationality: United States
Occupation: Photojournalist
Zodiac Sign: Gemini
Locales: Nairobi, San Diego
Release Date: April 20, 1978 (Italy)
Director: Joe D'Amato
DVD: Black Emanuelle's Box, Vol. 2 (1976-1978)
Stats: Seventh Black Emanuelle

Story: In Nairobi, Emanuelle met with British stewardess Susan Towers (Ely Galleani,) a friend from their modeling days. Susan tried to arrange a meeting between the photojournalist and Giorgio Rivetti (Venantino Venantini.) Emanuelle explained, "He's a gangster on an international level, and he went bankrupt in Italy. And then he slipped through the net, taking an immense amount of money with him. And now he's found a refuge here, where there's no extradition. And so he continues his business activities, honored and respected. So you'll see, it'll be quite a coup for me to interview him." An English reporter attempted to snap his picture previously, and ended up in hospital, so there was nothing doing. Emanuelle took some unauthorized shots of Rivetti's modest villa before being run off. She then joined Susan for a trip to the auto mechanic, where Emanuelle masturbated while Susan got down to dirty business in the pit under her Range Rover (a routine of hers.)

At the airport, Emanuelle spotted a young girl in a wheelchair being pushed by a man to a counter. Another man (Gabriele Tinti) arrived with a briefcase, which the first man took, as the second wheeled off with the girl. Authorities swooped in to take the first man into custody. Susan then returned with the idea that Emanuelle should pose with her as an air hostess greeting the just arrived Prince Arausani (Pierre Marfurt.) "Kenya Airways wish to welcome you, and hope that that you'll have a pleasant stay here. We've been put at your disposal." The trio tour the city, go for a swim, and have their cover blown by the Prince's secretary. "To be honest, I'll present you to Rivetti, but in your true colors. Take it or leave it."

Rivetti was displeased by the presence of the women, but accepted them into his villa as guests at the prince's insistence. Rivetti demanded that no pictures be taken of him, so of course Emanuelle had a ridiculous Bond gadget to break the agreement: a Zippo camera that snapped a picture each time she flipped the lid (lens optional.) Cue sapphic shower scene between Emanuelle and Susan as the pair settle in.

When Rivetti and the Prince come to loggerheads over a business matter, Rivetti suggests a safari at a national park. Joe D'Amato will be your director through a tour of African wildlife, as well as hot air ballooning, in yet another episode of Naked National Geographic Explorer. The group land in a native village, where Rivetti agrees to an interview, if Emanuelle can influence the Prince to his liking. In a rapidly cross-cut scene, Susan sleeps with Rivetti while Emanuelle beds the prince, often mirroring positions, as the tribesmen dance and sing. Contracts are signed, and the Prince is on his merry way.

While touring a market, Emanuelle spots the girl from the airport, now on her feet, being drug around by the man who seemed to buy her. Rivetti believes he's American, and in the white slave trade. Emanuelle, Susan and Rivetti have an irritatingly choppy three-way, filled with time lapses and black screens. On the way to the airport, Susan tells Emanuelle she learned the name of the slaver, Francis Harley. They say their goodbyes, as Emanuelle returns to New York, and Susan to her mechanic...

Monday, January 5, 2009

A Frank Review of "The Amateurs" (2007)



The Short Version? Small Town Irregulars make an amateur porno.
What Is It? Indie Comedy.
Who's In It? Jeff Bridges & a cast of dozens.
Should I See It? Probably not.

So here's the thing-- I saw this movie-- Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Pretty much the same movie, but released after "The Moguls," now known as "The Amateurs," which has been on the festival circuit since 2005. The main difference is that while a lackluster effort itself, the Kevin Smith movie was funny. "The Amateurs" isn't, and is similarly saccharine to boot. It's totally limp on the comedy front. No laughs at all.

The only reason to watch this picture is the inexplicably great cast. Jeff Bridges' performance is wonderful, and thanks to his narration, there's nary a scene untouched by his magic. It's been too long since I've seen Glenne Headly in anything, and this reminded me that I've missed her. When was the last time you saw Valerie Perrine in anything, and hey, it's Ms. Teschmacher in a threeway? I also like William Fichtner in pretty much anything, and he's great here in a minor role. Brad Garrett and Elden Henson are good in a one scene skit. Melinda Dahl so authentically delivers what should have been a lame monologue, I want to see how she handles herself in future projects.

The cast is so large, that there is a good deal of waste. Tim Blake Nelson is nice, but pretty much sleepwalks. Lauren Graham has more screen time in the making-of documentary on the DVD than the actual film. Joe Pantoliano's character is actually named "Some Idiot," but he doesn't quite sell it. Jeanne Tripplehorn, Isaiah Washington, Steven Weber, Judy Greer and Patrick Fugit are in this movie, technically.

So yeah-- that's it. If you love Jeff Bridges, absolutely check this out. He's great, and y'know, his resume between "The Door in the Floor" and "Iron Man" was pretty dubious. Otherwise, man, just don't. It's pretty bad. If you put forth a bit of effort, you can probably find an actual porno with stronger characters and a better script.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Justice League of America #96 (February, 1972)





"Space-Mariners speak in soft, guarded whispers when the starwinds cease to blow, for it is a portentous sign of storms at hand, screaming in violent fury! But... on this day the winds suddenly stop! And then... the starwinds stir and swirl, ominously building, bellowing into a cosmic hurricane! -- THIS IS A DAY OF HOLOCAUST! A DAY OF DREAD, A DAY OF DEATH-- 'THE COMING OF-- STARBREAKER!'"

In the two previous issues, the Flash Barry Allen, Hawkman and Green Lantern Hal Jordan had vanished while teleporting to the JLA satellite. Green Lantern had managed to call on Superman for help with his Power Ring, and now the Man of Steel was making his way toward the planet Rann. There he found the trio of star-lost heroes at the mercy of giant mechanical insects powerful enough to withstand direct action from the mighty Kryptonian. "Huh-- not even a dent-- and my hands... hurting?!" Superman determined that his X-Ray Vision mucked with command transmissions being sent to the ant-like monstrocities, and confused them into turning "their jet-streams on each other! --Turning to molten metal--" The bugs exploded in an atomic blast contained by Green Lantern.

The recovering Hawkman explained to Superman that Black Canary's having made routine maneuvering of their satellite had unintentionally crossed its teleportation ray with an incoming Zeta-Beam, which periodically links Earth to the planet Rann. Green Lantern continued, noting that the trio had found Rann threatened by the villainous Starbreaker. The Guardians of the Universe had information about this evildoer invested in their Power Rings...

"Starbreaker is unique among galactic humans! He has the ability to absorb enormous amounts of energy into his body-- and release it at will! From time to time, he dispatches 'Mechanix' to tap the energies of solar system planets... by causing them to hurtle into their suns... The crashing of planet-into-sun releases waves of tremendous energy... picked up by Starbreaker's stand-by spaceships, and thence relayed into his own body! In due time, Starbreaker discovered that the greatest of energies were contained in the minds and emotions of intelligent beings... energies heightened tenfold in the face of solar death! Thus, this living battery constantly seeks out populated planets for his prey! Without compunction, Starbreaker auctions off his ruthlessly gained power to the highest bidder! Though one of the most wanted men in the galaxy, he has defied capture-- even by the Green Lantern Corps!"

The "Cosmic Vampire" intended to devour the world of Rann, like some curious cross between Dracula and Galactus. Flash bemoaned that no one had been able to "find a weakness to drive home a silencing silver spike!" The four Leaguers split into pairs to fend off another couple groups of the Mechanix insects that were preparing Rann's demise. This did not go unnoticed by Starbreaker: "Though I come from the outer limits of space, even I have heard tales of the legendary Superman! Now I find he had a hand in destroying two of my planet-moving deputies! To avoid a repetition of this, I shall personally protect the others-- with energy-duplicates of myself at the two remaining sites! This will necessitate the utilization of a great deal of energy, especially in my specialized offspring who will deal with Superman! But to rid myself of the Kryptonian-- along with a Green Lantern as bonus, is a fine investment! --A very fine investment indeed!"

Disgruntled citizens of Rann had created an experimental new city-state named Narzam, but had to abandon it to the Mechanix. Ever the science geek, Flash Barry Allen felt compelled to gather "valuable inventions and priceless instruments" caught in their wake, "hopefully to be used another day!" Hal Jordan meanwhile fretted over his recent absence from the Justice League during his trip with Green Arrow in "search of America," Barry's having gotten married in the meantime, and his diminished status amongst the Green Lantern Corps in the face of his new found doubts. Jordan capped the antennae of the Mechanix, only to have his Power Ring constructs shattered by a Starbreaker. "My power is of a hundred suns, Green Lantern! Your ring is weaker than most of your corps-- and I can best them at will! To survive, you must surrender--"

The Flash briefly spun Starbreaker "like a top," but the villain recovered, and forced the duo back. Green Lantern determined this Starbreaker was a copy by his limited powers, and that it required concentration like his own to command its power. Jordan tricked Starbreaker by "jiving" him, telling the "Star-Baby" his masters "get their jollies cuttin' off my power every now an' then!" GL pretended to turn over his Power Ring, but instead KO'd Starbreaker with an energy fist. Flash tied up Starbreaker, and dismissed Jordan's previous concerns about their partnership. "Hey, Hal-- c'mon! You always were the moody type! Only you could worry about something as irrelevant as that!"

A Mechanix rolled through a wall of the holy city of Abdukara, curled up like a pill-bug. From above, Hawkman was offended by this sacrilege. "For this winged one knows deeply the past of many worlds, rooting himself in their treasures-- richness which he will ferociously fight to preserve..." The Winged Wonder cleverly wrapped his anti-grav belt around the artificial insect's leg, flipping it over so that he could skewer it with an ancient diamond-tipped spear he had found.

Elsewhere, Superman launched a Heat Vision-enabled precision strike against the final Mechanix, to prevent it from detonating another A-Blast. Struck from behind, the Strange Visitor from Another World was told, "Though you defeat my machines, Superman, you are no match for Starbreaker! I alone have solved the mystery of linking science and magic! Today my power is that of star-suns... tomorrow it will be that of galaxies!" Hawkman again protested, but was left with his wings and belt torn from his body, falling to certain death. "Think, Hawkman-- think! In your moment of peril, you will energize my battery of power!" Superman rescued his cohort, but demanded "That mind-sucking monster must be stopped! But even thinking of solutions works against me!" As had Flash and GL, Superman distracted Starbreaker long enough to simplistically beat him into submission. "While I gather up your feathered wings, Hawkman-- blindfold, deafen and gag Starbreaker so he can't use his magical science when he comes to!"

The four reunited heroes congratulated one another, and were applauded by the people of Rann. The earthman Adam Strange, Rann's usual defender, had also arrived on a follow-up Zeta-Beam. That was shortly before the effects of the first Zeta-Beam wore off, returning three of the super-heroes home. Superman watched as the faux Starbreakers vanished back to their template's lair, where he slapped and reabsorbed them. "It's intolerable that I was beaten! Compared to Starbreaker, the Justice Leaguers are infants-- physically and mentally! To have been outwitted by such insignificant beings galls me! Almost as bad, I expended a great deal of salable energy! The situation is this-- the Justice League has returned to Earth-- Superman will rejoin them! Shortly thereafter, I will follow-- with the raging power of a super-nova, contained in one body! Yes-- I will restore my lost energy-- at Earth's expense! Beware, Justice League! Beware Earth! Your hours are numbered!"

Written by Mike Friedrich. Illustrated by Dick Dillin and Joe Ciella. Edited by Julie Schwartz.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

nurghophonic jukebox: "Fake Tales Of San Francisco" by Arctic Monkeys



Fake Tales of San Francisco
Echo through the room
More point to a wedding disco
Without a bride or groom
There's a super cool band yeah
With their trilbys and their glasses of white wine
And all the weekend rockstars are in the toilets
Practicing their lines

I don't want to hear you
(Kick me out, kick me out)
I don't want to hear, you know
(Kick me out, kick me out)
I don't want to hear you
(Kick me out, kick me out)
I don't want to hear you
I don't want to hear your...

Fake Tales of San Francisco
Echo through the air
And there's a few bored faces in the back
All wishing they weren't there

And as the microphone squeaks
A young girl's telephone beeps
Yeah she's dashing for the exit
And she's running to the streets outside
"Oh you've saved me," she screams down the line
"The band were fucking wank"
And I'm not having a nice time."

I don't want to hear you
(Kick me out, kick me out)
I don't want to hear, you know
(Kick me out, kick me out)

Yeah but his bird thinks it's amazing, though
So all that's left
Is the proof that love's not only blind but deaf

He talks of San Francisco, he's from Hunter's Bar
I don't quite know the distance
But I'm sure thats far
Yeah I'm sure thats pretty far

And yeah, I'd love to tell you all of my problem
You're not from New York City, you're from Rotherham
So get off the bandwagon, and put down the handbook
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Get off the bandwagon and put down the handbook
Get off the bandwagon and put down the handbook
Get off the bandwagon and put down the handbook
Get off the bandwagon and put down the handbook
Yeah

Friday, January 2, 2009

Custom Dreadstar & Company Overpower Tactic Double Shot Cards



Just as I was sick of having to play with Marvel characters to make my Overpower decks work, I was also tired of their ugly, poorly rendered Tactic cards. I figured while I was busy cutting up old Dreadstar comics, I might as well use leftover panels to improve my view with Jim Starlin artwork. Team-ups mostly centered on Vanth & Syzygy or Darklock & Willow, though the High Lord Papel and his god turned up twice.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Custom Dreadstar Overpower Chararacter Cards



Over at my Martian Manhunter blog, I've been pulling out all of my old Overpower Collectible Card Game stuff, to explain the basics of a pastime I wasted way too much money on. Since I wasn't happy with the character selection, toward the end of my involvement, I decided to try my hand at making some of my own. Lacking a computer or real money to speak of, this was accomplished by cutting up old Dreadstar comics and pasting them onto cards. I've loved Jim Starlin's Star Wars rip-off since I was a wee lad, so those characters were an obvious choice to play with.

The first card is intended to be Vanth Dreadstar as he appeared in the Metamorphosis Odyssey and the first dozen comics in his own series. Overpower rated powers on a scale of 1-8, so his middling Energy of 4 was meant to cover ray guns and projections from his sword. A 6 in Fighting was pretty respectable, comperable to the better fighters in comics. His 6 in Strength is about right, I figure, along the lines of a juiced-up Bane, Beast and Sabretooth. Being a solid planner, a 5 in Intellect placed him with bright combatants like Shang Chi and specialists like Blue Beetle. All those mid-high Rankings would help with Spectrum KOs, but his 21-point total would keep him as either the front man of a low point team or background amongst heavy hitters. Seemed about right.

I never got around to assigning Willow a Power Grid, as I was trying to use her to help design a team around Dreadstar and Company that never materialized. I also meant to give her an Inherent Ability, as the image I cut out of her was light enough to type on directly. Low rent, right?

The second Dreadstar(s) was meant to reflect the version of the character that finished out the Instrumentality war, basically a poor man's Captain Mar-Vell. Because Vanth had internalized his sword's power, and I though the team could use a high baller, he now had a 7 in Energy. That was probably too high, but Overpower was never overly concerned with accuracy, so there was play room there in favor of gameplay. Since Vanth got away from hand-to-hand combat, I dropped his Fighting to a 4. His Strength remained the same, and his Intellect dropped a point, as his plans became increasingly lackluster.

...nurghophiles...

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