Ask Men.com's Top 99 Women 2007 Edition 100-50

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NURGH! Greatest Songs Of Our Time!!!! #5: "Cities in Dust" by Siouxsie And the Banshees (1985)

I don't recall when I first heard "Cities in Dust," but it was originally released as the first single off the album "Tinderbox" in October of 1985. It began to solidify as a personal favorite sometime around 1993, when it was in regular rotation on a wonderful new local alternative station called "The Rocket." I distinctly remember lying on my bedroom floor, staring up at the ceiling, and relishing the sound of the chimes that open the track. I've always thought the single belonged over the title sequence in a fantasy movie of my own making. Despite my inability to hear a sample, "Cities" became my first ever ringtone on my first ever cell phone. It's a tad muted, and I'd have preferred the chimes to the chorus, but there it is.

"'This was our first trip to Pompeii, another amazing experience,' Siouxsie enthuses. 'Seeing a whole civilisation petrified in lava was like putting yourself in the place at the time, and imagining how it must have been to be there when it happened. I find it really easy to do that, to get ghost images of life continuing as it was. I often wonder if that's what real hauntings are --- your imagination and your senses bringing things back to life. That's why you'd never be able to capture it on film.'"



Water was running; children were running
You were running out of time
Under the mountain, a golden fountain
Were you praying at the Lares shrine?
But oh your city lies in dust, my friend

We found you hiding we found you lying
Choking on the dirt and sand
Your former glories and all the stories
Dragged and washed with eager hands

But oh your city lies in dust, my friend

Hot and burning in your nostrils
Pouring down your gaping mouth
Your molten bodies blanket of cinders
Caught in the throes .......

And your city lies in dust

A Frank Review of "Popcorn" (1991)

The Short Version? Castle meets Craven.
What Is It? Horror Comedy.
Who's In It? Scream Queen Jill Schoelen.
Should I See It? Yes.

What a deceptive trailer. "Popcorn" is an anachronistic little novelty. I know I caught it on home video early on, but I could have sworn it was the mid-to-late 80's, not the early 90's. By then, myself and the nation had been pretty well worn out by the avalanche of psycho killers from the previous two decades, so for me in its time, "Popcorn" was a nice change of pace. Two years before "Matinée," this movie delivered a loving homage to the William Castle gimmick flicks of the 1950's-- electrified seats, smell-o-rama... that sort of thing. "Popcorn" is a polygamist marriage of winking throwback, super-lame teen comedy, glossy but mostly bloodless mainstream slasher movie, touches of Dario Argento, and with its reggae from a Jamaican shoot, a touch of the 1986 Robin Williams vehicle "Club Paradise." Taken separately, each of these elements fails, but bound together into a filmic Frankenstein monster, it's hard to hate, if only for its tone deafness. This was definitely an influence on the "Scream" series, if that does anything for you.

The premise is simple-- the heroine is the daughter of a gonzo director/cult leader who perished in a fire while trying to cut down his whole family on film. Now a college student, the girl wrestles with dreams caused by her repressed memories, which she's using as inspiration for a project. Her film class is under-budgeted, so to raise funds, they set up a three movie marathon using vintage props provided by Ray Walston in a cameo. A fourth film from the gonzo director pops up, leading to a new killing spree over the course of the marathon.

The behind-the-scenes drama on this production seems to have been at least as interesting at what made it on screen. Writer/director Alan Ormsby was replaced after three weeks by Mark Herrier, a.k.a. "Billy" from the "Porky's" series. Original lead actress Amy O'Neill, the daughter from "Honey I Shrunk The Kids," was replaced by Jill Schoelen of "The Stepfather" and "The Phantom of the Opera." This might explain why the leads vanish for long stints, leaving undeveloped secondary characters with disproportionately long stretches of screen time. On the plus side, it also means most of the exposition is squared in a handful of scenes, so we're in the theater lickity split. The villain is odd and fun to watch. The movie also has the then-unusual status of being a slasher film for the whole family, as there's no nudity, minimal gore, and not even terribly much cursing. This would be prime material for a PG-13 remake, if it were not a huge box office failure, still among the top 50 biggest second weekend drop-offs of all time.

"Popcorn" isn't a good film, but its heart is in the right place, and I can coast through it easily on period nostalgia. That carries through to the DVD transfer, which is of such low quality as to recall VHS. There are no special features of note.

Luke Cage, Hero For Hire #2 (August, 1972)

"Vengeance is Mine!" is less a second issue and more a continuation of what should probably have been an extra-length debut. There's a long flashback to the first issue, as well as the filling-in of some gaps. For instance, Cage couldn't afford a custom costume, and turned down the shop proprietor's offer to sell him the Fawcett Captain Marvel's union suit. "Turned back to us when the original owner got involved in a lawsuit." Red wasn't Cage's color, but he spotted a silver headband he liked, and most of the rest of his gear came from an escape artist who "sold it to the shop when his act folded." I wonder if that ever came up again? Cage could dig it, and even though the shopkeeper chided, "at these prizes... don't sweat the best costume prize," Luke even made use of the chains at the bottom of the trunk. "Yeah, man... It WORKS!"

Cage had tried to rely strictly on an answering service, but couldn't reliably catch new clients for jobs. When thugs tried to force him to visit Diamond-Back, he mangled them and the pay phone he'd been using. This attracted the attention ghetto relief doctor Claire Temple, one hot mamma who'd worked her Afro into a near perfect circle. Temple's practice was routinely sacked by delinquents, tonight being no exception, as Cage lifted a filing cabinet off her partner... Dr. Noah Burstein! The prison scientist responsible for creating Power Man only hinted that Cage's new name and look hadn't passed muster, but allowed Cage his leave regardless. "He knows, baby... Believe anything else an' you're jivin'. But why didn't he say somethin'? Probably means to do his talkin' to the Man."

At Willis Stryker's office, a Syndicate lawyer politely demanded Diamond-Back get his house in order. Stryker, now sporting a snakeskin bodysuit, demonstrated his souped-up knife collection as he plotted Cage's demise.

Meanwhile, the Hero for Hire found a shithole office on 42nd Street to rent out, over a movie theater that ran westerns audible through the floorboards. "'Least I'll know any client who comes this far must want me bad." Dave "D.W." Griffith, the owner's nephew, was happy to finally get someone up in there. Almost immediately, Cage's service forwarded a frantic call from Doc Burstein informing him Diamondback had kidnapped Dr. Temple. By the way, the various spellings for Stryker's nom de mal aren't typos, unless you count the original scripts.

A message left by the kidnappers led Cage to a garage, where he was hit by a car. Cage played possum until he located Stryker and Temple, at which point he karate chopped a goon's fibula in two. A few panels of bitch-slapping later, Temple was free, and Diamondback was on the run. Cage's smashed a blade hilt that emitted terrific sonics, then rushed Diamondback to evade another that sprayed deadly gas. Cage crowded Diamondback so he couldn't use his explosive dagger, as the villain stepped backward through a skylight. "Unghh... This cost me my shot at Lucas--- but 'fore he can catch me, I'll be long gon--" Just then, the explosive dagger landed blade first at Stryker's side, allowing him only the chance to pull at stupid face before the big "BA-DOM!"

"It's over, Reva honey, but not quite the way I planned. Willis died by his own knife... if you can't really call that revenge-- It's sure some kind of justice."

From over the ledge, Cage spied Claire, Burstein, and the cops. Were they coming in to congratulate him, or place him under arrest...?

Sadly, while Billy Graham still provides inks, there are no breakout moments like in the debut. Also, John Romita Sr. only contributes a cover, unlike the interior tweaks from last time, leaving way more George Tuska on display than will do anyone good. While Archie Goodwin and others took heat fom some of the more "colorful" dialogue, nothing here compares with Tuska's monstrous Diamondback.

Luke Cage, Hero For Hire #1 (June, 1972)

A man who grew up in a New York slum is written off by society, until an authority figure sees potential in him. He's introduced to a brilliant scientist who believes he's perfected a process that will create a superior human being-- if the subject survivors the experience. The volunteer is helpless as a saboteur appears to wreck the experiment, but launches a counter-attack that ends the threat. Fated as the only recipient of this special process, the man becomes a lonely super-hero.

Captain America, right? Umm...

"Look closely at the figure before you. Study him, study his costume. This is Luke Cage now. A super-hero... Yet unlike any other before him. But he was not always as you see him. Before the super-hero, there was the man."

So maybe Luke Cage wasn't quite as unique as advertised, but by the 70's, pretty much every option conceivable to receive super-powers had been used up twice over. Many African-American super-heroes have been dismissed over the years as being "the black version of..." but the truth is that there haven't been all that many great characters created since the Silver Age, and even they tended to be derivative. It's really all in the execution these days, and Luke Cage's origin story was dynamite.

A man known to the reader only as Lucas is released from solitary at the maximum security Seagate Prison. Lucas has no love for the guards: "Nice thing 'bout being half blind from the dark, Quirt... I don't have to see your face first thing!" Lucas has no love for his fellow inmates: "You been awful quick to speak for the brothers ever since you came here, Shades. Sounds like now you gonna be quick gettin' their heads broken, too. If mine goes under the club, it's gonna be cause I put it there, not you!" Lucas has no love for society at large: "Mankind's done nothin' for me... an' I'm returnin' the favor!"

Lucas turns down attempts to extort his assistance from ambitious cons and guard captains alike, always leading to violence. When Quirt is assigned to "break" Lucas, prisoners howled from their cages at the "flat, moist sound of flesh being struck... again and again!" A progressive new warden was due to assume command, and caught Quirt in the midst of his assault. The warden fired Quirt, left him alone for ten brutalizing minutes with Lucas, and demoted Captain Rackham for good measure. He also allowed a Dr. Noah Burstein access to Lucas.

"Health records indicate you're everything I need, Lucas. But the prison files are nothing but depressing! Brawls, attempted escapes... all leading to your transfer here. Even your parole board appearance usually ended in violence," with Lucas shaking his fists and shouting, "What right you jokers got to sit behind your starched shirts, passin' judgement on me? You think I'm lyin'! But I was framed, blast you... FRAMED!"

Unlike a lot of half-assed "urban" characters, the man who would become Luke Cage admits to having fallen far short of being an angel. "The game on the street is survival... an' you learn to play it any way you can... A way that got meaner... an' uglier... the better we got at it!" Known only as "Lucas" in this first tale, his true given wouldn't be revealed until decades later, "Carl." Speaking of derivative...

Early in his criminal career, Lucas hooks up with Willis Stryker, and the pair become "closer than brothers." Stryker turns into a master with the blade, while "nobody could touch me usin' fists." However, Stryker just gets deeper and nastier into the thug life, while with adulthood Lucas "began losin' heart. Got sick... always fightin', always runnin'... Yeah. I got my fill with the gangs..." While Lucas turned straight, Stryker took up with his friend's co-worker Reva, and took on the Syndicate. Reva got scared when Stryker was worked over by some mobsters, and dumped him after Lucas saved his life. Stryker accused Lucas of poisoning his girl's mind, and when Reva and Lucas hooked up, things got really serious. Stryker planted dope in Lucas' crib and tipped the cops, which is the crime the character was infamously framed for. I like that Lucas was truly a bad guy who went straight on his own, as the "innocent victim of circumstance" riff goes at least as far back as Wildcat.

Stryker claimed he could help Lucas as a way to draw Reva back into his circle, but the dealers Stryker stole from to frame Lucas were smarter than the cops. They attempted to gun Stryker down during a freeway pursuit, but Willis maneuvered his car to use passenger Reva as a human shield. Reva caught a bullet in the throat, and the car hit the drink, but Stryker laughed as he crawled from the wreckage.

Lucas is set on getting out of prison and having his revenge, but scoffs at the method Dr. Burstein offers him-- as a guinea pig! "A parole sounds beautiful, man-- but it sure ain't much use if I'm dead!" Lucas returns to his cell, only to be threatened by Rackham, who's intent on taking out all his frustration at the new regime on his least favorite prisoner for the foreseeable future. Lucas can't stand the prospect, and calls for Dr. Burstein.

Using equipment made by Stark Industries, Dr. Burstein intends to subject Lucas to "an electro-biochemical system for stimulating human cell regeneration." Since Lucas was a fine specimen in excellent health, Dr. Burstein would also have to inject him with an unidentified disease to test his machine's health benefits. Lucas was not amused, but accepted as part of his brass ring of probable parole. The intention was for Lucas to undergo a series of short sessions submerged in Dr. Burstein's chemical stew to build up a tolerance, but Rackham snuck in and cranked the volume to eleven. "The man called Lucas is enveloped-- all but drowned in a swirling tide of chemicals gone mad! Then, searing skin, crawling flesh, can endure no more...! Fists frantically hammer metal... as electronic power hits the overload point... and there is sudden, explosive-- RELEASE!"

My-- that was... descriptive. What kind of Mandingo shit was that? The thing is, John Romita Sr. supplied the cover for this first edition of the brown-eyed handsome man called Cage. However, the interiors were pencilled by George Tuska, a Golden Age veteran known for drawing in a, shall we say, less glamorous mode. His inker was Billy Graham, the only person of color on the project. Combined, the pair recalled Gene Colan somewhat, though Lucas was a grim, bulky, graceless figure amongst a slew of even less attractive Anglo-Saxons. Just as suddenly as Lucas burst nude from the contraption, Graham kicked in to completely redraw him for several panels. Billy Graham would define his career on "Jungle Action," drawing the Black Panther with a muscular, almost expressionistic anatomy presaged by the sensuous birth of Luke Cage. Lucas swatted Rackham away in a second panel, exposing a gorgeous backside that would have done Burne Hogarth proud, and once again skirting the Comics Code Authority with strategically placed falling debris. A third panel was framed just below Lucas' buttocks, as Graham reveled in illustrating every sinewy detail of Cage's newly enhanced thigh and calf. A panel later, Lucas was again dressed, and Tuska had returned. The brief departure was both jarring and torturous at the thought of what might have been had Billy Graham been able to produce pages at that level of craft consistently, and of course, had he worked and lived long enough to be given the chance.

Believing he may have killed Rackham with his newly enhanced strength, Lucas found it was equally effective against the prison wall, and made his escape. Guards fired on Lucas, who fell from a cliff into waters below. The guards found his bullet-riddled shirt and assumed Lucas' demise. Lucas himself found a boat, and assumed a new guise. Over long months, roughly a year's time to reach the present, Lucas made his way back to New York. He inadvertently foiled a robbery, and used both the reward money and the inspiration to begin a new life. He had a costume and business cards made up, and rented a "fleabag" hotel room. At Reva's grave, he said, "I'm back, honey... but I'm hardly the man you knew. Even had to get a new name. Kept a little of the old one... rest is what I remember most about prison... Luke Cage! Hope you like it, Reva, 'cause under that name-- I'm gonna be doin' somethin' for you... an' me... bringin' grief to Willis Stryker.

In another panel clearly possessed by Billy Graham, Luke Cage dons his familar yellow-and-blue costume, and strikes a determined pose. To drum up business, the "Hero For Hire" makes a name for himself by clobbering collection men of Stryker's. Now going by the name "Diamond Back," Willis figures, "I got me some teachin' to do!"

With some help from Roy Thomas, Archie Goodwin wrote a compelling and reasonably authentic script that launched Luke Cage into a decade of continuous publication. Like Graham, Goodwin left this world too soon and produced too little work for a man of his considerable talents. Instead, Goodwin focused on becoming one of the most respected editors in the industry's history. Goodwin and Romita are co-credited with Cage's creation, one of the first African-American characters to star in a comic book.

As previously noted, Luke Cage escaped Seagate Prison, a stand-in for Alcatraz Island. Also known as "The Rock," Alcatraz was closed in 1963, and became a national recreational area the same year Cage debuted. Inspired by Luke in the early 80's, the actor Nicolas Coppola changed his stage name to "Nick Cage," and eventually starred in a movie called "The Rock" set on Alcatraz Island.

Ask Men.com's Top 99 Women 2006 Edition #1-49

49) Haifa Wehbe: Somehow, spell check had no trouble with "Haifa." I should look that up in the dictionary later.

48) Veronica Varekova: Nine times out of ten, "supermodel" is synonymous with "pass."

47) Aishwarya Rai: I really hope she becomes famous, because the first lame cartoonist unable to easily nail her jarringly crescent profile will be pilloried.

46) Rebecca Romijn-Stamos: It absolutely says something about me that I'm only attracted to this woman when she's smeared head-to-toe in blue paint with contacts and latex appliances (although black hair dye helps.)

45) Evangeline Lilly: I so wish that, instead of an actress, this was some exploitation movie heroine come to life. "They took her body… but not her spirit! Or her crossbow! Justice, thy name is Evangeline Lilly!"

Can you tell I'm bored?

44) Shania Twain: I cannot say this woman's name and not feel like you're retelling a Jeff Foxworthy joke. Her mere presence made "I Heart Huccabees" even more existentially off. When you're looking for an avatar of the forces that turned country music into top 40 pop with a bad twang, search no further.

43) Brooke Burke: In get it, and yet not.

42) Kelly Brook: At first I thought it was fatigue from the time and length of the list, but this makes twenty-one women in a row I'm just not that into. Kind of a drag.

41) Paz Vega: See, I'm feeling better already. Know why? Because "Sex & Lucia" was one of those perfect movies that marries engaging characters, compellingly intricate script, and reams of soft-core porn. It stimulates you everywhere, regardless of gender. It was so great, I even have positive feelings toward "Spanglish," both an Adam Sandler vehicle and a creative failure buoyed mostly by Vega's appeal and, of all things, Cloris Leachman.

40) Carmen Electra: She has a nice body and lots of make-up, but her ex-husband is prettier.

39) Kylie Minogue: I know its been nearly twenty years since "The Loco-Motion," but I can't get her out of my head as a novelty act.

38) Kate Bosworth: Hate Bosworth. Playing Sandra Dee was perfect for this charisma vacuum. Yet another reason not to see "Superman Returns."

37) Faith Hill: I confess to liking "This Kiss" despite my better taste, but that's all you're getting out of me.

36) Alessandra Ambrosio: Okay. You on the other hand have earned my lust. I'll admit that.

35) Keira Knightley: Ah, the guilt-free alternative to Natalie Portman. Thrice the nudity, half the acting chops, but still the sexiest tomboy beanpole on the planet. Just keep her away from roles requiring her to be butch and/or American.

34) Elsa Benitez: There sure are a lot of models on these lists. Is their lack of speech and motion a plus or minus?

33) Sofia Vergara: Given her filmography, a plus.

32) Penelope Cruz: That smile. Those eyes. The accent. A willingness to appear topless in movies. What's not to love love love? A lot, I guess, considering I'm one of the only people I know who doesn't think she looks like a pug dog.

31) Maria Sharapova: Anna Kournikova Part Deux. Which I guess means some distant relation to Nabakov's Lolita. Whatever.

30) Trish Stratus. No. Just no.

29) Naomi Watts: Maybe it's the blond thing. There's a clear liability pattern here.

28) Scarlett Johansson: See, I thought Enid was the hot one in "Ghost World." I really don't enjoy the voice, by the way.

27) Jennifer Aniston: Still cute, but age is kind of turning her into Barbara Streisand. Brr.

26) Gisele Bundchen: Well, I guess I should be thankful the supermodels are getting tastier, but remain bittersweet.

25) Salma Hayek: I've said it before and will again—all reports lead me to believe she's worth losing an appendage over. Stunningly gorgeous. Whip-smart. Great sense of humor. Sexy accent. Hates exercise and dieting, yet looks great. Edward Norton, you are a fool! Oh, and I get a side of Penelope Cruz when "Bandidas" comes out this year*? See, that's the kind of incentive that should have people camping out at the movie theater for weeks.

*Or not. "Bandidas" sucked rocks. What a waste.

24) Eva Mendes: Talk about a sideswipe. You go from one of the most desirable women in existence to the bimbo romantic interest of a dozen underwhelming action movies? I appreciate her recent onslaught of nude photography, though.

23) Elisha Cuthbert: Ugh. Please. Are you kidding me? Its not just that she's not my type, its a basic accounting issue. As in how do you account for anyone, especially this bony flavor-of-last-month, to rank above Salma Hayek?

22) Torrie Wilson: Who is this person? A wrestler? No really, a wrestler? Who voted in this thing? I want the time I spent going through this list back, right fucking now!

21) Kelly Monaco: You guys actually watched "Dancing With The Stars?" But the site has "Ask MEN" right there in the title?

20) Roselyn Sanchez: I don't think there was a single scene in "Boat Trip" when her nipples were not clearly visible. God bless.

19) Halle Berry: Once again, Halle Berry is saltpeter. She's anti-sex. Even though he was married to Angeline Jolie, when Billy Bob Thorton said words to the effect of "You can be with the most beautiful woman in the world, and it can be like humping a couch," my mind instead flashed to his "Monsters Ball" co-star. Can you feel the hate? Oh, and give me that Oscar back! Angela Bassett has a space already cleared for it. Halle Berry is no Jada Pinkett-Smith, I'll tell you that! And if love was going to bring my ass home, "home" would be wherever Robin Givens' ass was planted.

18) Lindsay Lohan: I dig the freckles, but how can you get past that coke-fueled personality and weight loss? Unless your only other option is Paris Hilton, of course.

17) Josie Maran: Best known for playing second fiddle to Kate Beckinsale's aforementioned pants in "Van Helsing." I'll go on record as saying she looks great, but as Matthew Sweet once queried, "can she talk?"

16) Petra Nemcova: So basically, if you have a funny name and an accent, don't expect to make this list if you haven't appeared in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (token racial inclusions exempted).

15) Monica Bellucci: While I of course am going to have problem with any ranking above Salma, the woman is clearly fantastic. Intelligent, deep, voluptuous-- a bit masochistic, yet still regal in bearing. She's so hot, even saying her name is mildly erotic. Moh-ni-ka, Bell-ooo-che. Ha-cha-cha!

14) Marisa Miller: Who? What? The fuck? Here I am coasting on a speedball of Bellucci, and you're going to harsh my mellow with this?

13) Jennifer Hawkins: Its not enough to disagree with the top 20. I think it's more important that I know who the hell they are.

12) Jessica Simpson: My case exactly. I know this person. I understand the hankering of men for her. I just don't share the enthusiasm of the majority. She's so dumb and Aryan, I can't get with the groove.

11) Heidi Klum: Less dumb. More Aryan.

10) Eva Longoria: She's lean, tan, and gets photographed by the paps in her bikini routinely. Regardless, she seems like off-brand Jessica Alba.

09) Natalie Portman: Too soon! It's only been what, fifteen years since "Leon: The Professional?" I can't be expected to get past Matilda wanting her cherry popped by Jean Reno in such a scant time frame. While yes, I felt a bit like I could move on after "Closer," along came "Garden State" to remind me that Portman probably had a crush on a Backstreet Boy. Ask me again when she's thirty-five, and pass me another Keira Knightley DVD in the meantime…

08) Amerie: I'd chalk this up to being "a black thing," except the blackest girl on this list is Beyonce, so that can't be it.

07) Jessica Biel: I wouldn't call myself a fan, but I'd really like to shake the hand of her personal trainer. Outstanding work!

06) Charlize Theron: Confronted with a rather smart Aryan, I'd still rather watch Patsy Kinset fake an Afrikaner accent in "Lethal Weapon 2" instead. She was delightfully pointy back then. But we were talking about Theron, who's a good actress and nice person. Although, in "The Devil's Advocate," it was all about Connie Nielson…

05) Maria Menounos: Much as I rag on Eva Mendes, at least she acts. Most of the other Latinas are out of Playboy or "reality programming."

04) Adriana Lima: Great day in the morning! One of the only supermodels on this list I can really get behind. Ahem.

03) Angelina Jolie: I can't be alone in missing the wild child, right? How can she become Audrey Hepburn with all those tattoos? But sure, she deserves a high ranking, if only through the magic of Hollywood covering all the blemishes. It's a shame to become a matinee idol she had to put up such a façade.

02) Sienna Miller: Two words: Rupert Murdoch. The Brits cocked up this list but good. One more word: skank.

01) Jessica Alba: I was definitely late onto this bandwagon. "Dark Angel" was a turn-off, but y'know, she really blossomed into womanhood, right? And by blossomed, I mean toned and tanned to an unholy degree while developing a bum and a penchant for bearing it. She can't act for shit and she'll look like aged leather in ten years, but she's pretty alright in the moment.

Ask Men.com's Top 99 Women 2006 Edition 100-50

A year or so ago, I was bored enough to do running commentary on Ask Men.com's list of the 99 most desirable female celebrities of 2006 and 2007 on MySpace. ...nurgh... was never intended to become a daily blog, but 15-30 people bother with it on a regular basis, so I try to offer something up on the regular. Meanwhile, it's a boring Friday night on which no one has called me, I've indulged in a bit of the drinky, and I'm so not inclined to generate any new material this evening. Therefore, here's half of the 2007 list, with the other half earmarked for tomorrow. For the record, I've since come around somewhat to Beyonce and Rachel Bilson...

99) Anna Kournikova: Weren't her fifteen minutes up when she could sleep with people without their getting arrested? I thought that was the appeal? I mean, she's a lousy tennis player and not exceptionally pretty or anything. I always chalked her up to a popular complex.

98) Piper Perabo: Very cute, and maybe someday she'll appear in a film I don't walk out on.

97) Vanessa Marcil: Best known for appearing in Beverly Hills 90210 and General Hospital. I have to ask, which men are familiar with her oeuvre exactly?

96) Nicole Kidman: How can she be so lowly ranked? Am I the only person who sat through "Eyes Wide Shut?" Yes, she's in a lot if similarly pretentious and tedious films, but she's naked in half of them. Good naked, B'God! Full frontal and everything! Added value is that she can act, and seems like someone who can hold a conversation. Let me tell you, I filled in these last few entries after doing the rest of the list, and its going to get much hairier from here. Travesty, I tell you!

95) Gabrielle Union: I don't believe I've ever seen her in anything ever, because the girl's resume is pretty atrocious. Still, I've drooled through some trailers.

94) Bryce Dallas Howard: So let me get this straight—Sam Raimi hired a gentle, angelic haired blond perfect to play doomed Gwen Stacey, except she's supposed to be vivacious Mary Jane Watson? So when Gwen finally does appear, we get a natural red-head dyed blond who looks like a cross between Opie and that creepy jail-bate stick girl from the O.C. guys inexplicably dig? Maybe I'm just suffering from Lloyd Benson Memorialitis, but you Ms. are no Gwen Stacy.

93) Lucy Liu: You might think after my last statement that I would be opposed to applying freckles to an Asian. You would be very, very wrong. I am much in favor of this intriguing jiggering of racial hallmarks. It's the mental reminder of Opie engaged in sexual congress I oppose.

92) Vanessa Hessler: I didn't know her either. She seems to be a model getting big in Europe. You're right to assume that means she looks like she falls somewhere between "Baby Doll" and "Taxi Girl," depending on who's doing her make-up that day.

91) Cameron Diaz: Such a sweet smile, and I enjoy everything its connected to. No, her script choices aren't especially sound, but I give her credit for picking some surprisingly dark fare at times ("The Last Supper", "Very Bad Things.") Can you believe she reminds me of Bette Davis? I think she's so convincing at playing a bitch, it bleeds over into her public perception. It's sometimes warranted, but forgivable, because how can you hate on that smile? Well okay, I'll admit she's not very convincing playing anything other than a bitch or ditz, but still…

90) Amanda Bynes: Can she legally be included on a list like this? I thought she fell further from the Olsen Twins and closer to that girl from the Harry Potter movies in terms of females it's entirely inappropriate for grown men to ogle. Then again, I think Malcolm is now old enough to be in the Middle of a beer run, but it still skeeves me out.

89) Tyra Banks: I used to really dig on Tyra in the early Victoria's Secret days, but she now seems to be torn between pre-crackhead Whitney airs and Eartha Kitt prickliness.

88) Krista Allen: I'm not saying she's completely lacking in charm, but if mail came to my house under the name "George Clooney," I think I'd aim higher.

87) Rosario Dawson: From the lips to the hips, yes, yes, God yes. She's like a caricature of exotic beauty made flesh. Its bizarre, yet undeniably arousing.

86) Hilary Duff: I'd accuse the staff of "Ask Men" of secretly trolling junior high campuses asking boys instead, except the only males I know who find this specimen attractive are middle aged "men" content to drive much too slowly past grade schools.

85) Diane Lane: Definitely a case of Latter-Day Hottie in my book. I can remember stumbling across Lane in the occasional flick throughout her career, without her ever making any impression on me. However, since her mid-life mid-career renaissance, my eye has definitely cast her way. She is the MILF to Diane Keaton's GILF.

84) Alyson Hannigan: "My theory is, that when it comes to important subjects, there's only [certain] ways a person can answer… Somewhere, you have to make a choice, and that choice tells you who you are." I agree, so its pretty clear my willingness to climb over Sarah Michelle Gellar, Eliza Dushku, and the rest of the Buffy babes to get to Willow tells you, if nothing else, that I am a nerd at heart.

83) Morgan Webb: I get it. You like video games. Since you'll never find a cute girl who truly shares your passion for comic books and Dungeons & Dragons, I can understand your fixation with Morgan Webb. Just don't try to convince me she'd make this list if she wasn't on G4, and we're copacetic.

82) Sung Hi Lee: So clearly the site made sure to "Ask Asian Men," because as appealing as this girl is to the eye and as probable as it is throngs dug her in Playboy, who else would have remembered her name?

81) Jennifer Lopez: Sure, she stands in direct opposition to everything I like about a woman's personality, but I cannot claim immunity to her tan skin and ample booty. File under "Object of Lust" only.

80) Blake Lively: In every year of every generation, there come a girl on one of these lists who is a complete question mark to everyone henceforth. This is her story.

79) Zhang Ziyi: Now, to those who might have taken umbrage to my comments under number eighty-two, I present to the jury that I know Zhang Ziyi by name. This is not because I've liked any of her films, because I haven't. I didn't even make it far enough into "Memoirs of a Geisha" to see her. I say this because, even for a race known for its beauty, you've got to crown her checker. She's that shade of lovely that you need a writer for Vogue to bring their thesaurus in to describe.

78) Uma Thurman: I quoted Uma speaking Tarantino's dialogue earlier in this list, and I've got a picture of her hanging on my wall. So why don't I find her more attractive? Why do I find myself siding with Ethan Hawke in the split, even if he was a total douche in "Reality Bites?" Possibly because I want the $16 I shelled out at the box office for "Kill Bill" back, and the trailer for "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" calls Witch Hazel from Looney Tunes to mind. But hey, she was the only good thing about "Tape."

77) Heather Graham: Total guilty pleasure, and a continued embarrassment. I chalk this up to my wandering obsession with every female lead from Twin Peaks. I'm still waiting for Peggy Lipton and the Log Lady to stir me, but I have caught myself checking out Piper Laurie on occasion.

76) Christina Milian: I have to say, in her favor, that she's very compact. It looks like you could toss her in a gym bag and save airfare as carry-on luggage. That's really my only strong opinion regarding Milian.

75) Samaire Armstrong: That's an interesting handle she's got there.

74) Kate Beckinsale: I very much enjoyed her pants in "Van Helsing," far and away the highlight of that movie. Otherwise, I just don't get it. Do guys have some unresolved feelings for Posh Spice they project on this woman, or what?

73) Lisa Ray- An attractive woman, sure. Also, clear evidence the site's editors went out of their way to be inclusive, because who outside of Bollywood aficionados know this person?

72) Rachel Bilson: Not my type, but hey, mazel tov.

71) Molly Sims: See above. Multiply by a factor of three.

70) Natasha Bedingfield: Place your bets on the odds of a reappearance on next year's list. Longshots pay the best, right?

69) Rachel Weisz: Attractive. Nice body of work. Maybe I'm just biased against Britons, because I'm not feeling it.

68) Melania Knauss: What is it about rich Yankees and scary Eurotrash?

67) Catherine Zeta-Jones: Don't you hate it when, despite ample reason to go the other way, you feel more respect than attraction? Is it the Michael Douglas thing? I just don't know. We're also now at ten in a row since I acknowledged interest, so I'm guessing this is that fallow period where all the special interest crushes start to pile up.

66) Jennifer Garner: I found her appealing for a brief period when "Alias" was first getting started, but by the time she played Elektra in "Daredevil" I couldn't excuse her manliness. Lighting can be really harsh on her facial structure, and that hard body seems like it's got to have more than its fair share of testosterone.

65) Jennifer Esposito: While not as appealing as Mike's girlfriends on "Spin City" (I'm looking at you, Victoria Dillard,) Stacey Paterno was not only the most consistent eye candy, but smart enough to bail when Fox left the show.

64) Alyssa Milano: While I'm perverse enough to get some thrill out of seeing Tony Danza's daughter having an orgy in a vampire movie, I'm ultimately hung-up for the same reason. While some child stars have been able to mature past my mental image of their chief claim to fame, I'm afraid twelve seasons of "Charmed" still doesn't make her woman enough in my mind's eye to even consider.

63) Jaime Pressly: A former ballet dancer who's lithe form is quite capable of making me forget she's entirely too genuine playing one white trash role after another. My favorite non-nude memory? When she told Craig Kilborne her grandmother had a throw pillow inscribed with the truism "Men are like parking spaces—all the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped."

62) Holly Valance: She's Australian and named after that curtain rod cozy thing your granny has instead of curtains. That's all I've got.

61) Jennifer Connelly: I know I'm not the only one who liked her better with the unibrow and food in her belly. Not to mention spending more time with John Hughes and David Bowie than Ang Lee and Opie.

60) Leeann Tweeden: Yet another former Playmate to remind me why I actually do only read Playboy for the articles. Even then, it's really just for the Interview, which might explain why my subscription ran out.

59) Rachel Stevens: She was in "S Club 7." The limeys clearly have overmuch pull with the editors.

58) Mandy Moore: Y'know, I like Mandy Moore, as a person. If there was ever a GLOW-style cage throwdown amongst all the girls who tried to ride Britney Spears' pigtails, I'd be rooting for her. I just don't associate her with hot animal lust or feel any need to write the "o"s in her name as hearts. She just seems like someone you could really trust to watch your kids or something.

57) Katherine Heigl: Once again, seems nice, seems a tad butch, seems like I'm not down.

56) Megan Fox: Her boyfriend is Brian Austin Green. That's only slightly more reputable than going straight to the source of things white & wrong, Robert Van Winkle.

55) Bridget Moynahan: Isn't the one from "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang." What was her name again?

54) Ciara: She's behind a few danceable tunes, but is it just me, or does she look like Wanda Sykes cruising on a Saturday night?

53) Jennifer Love Hewitt: A bandwagon I never found myself on. I hated her from the facial scrub commercials onward. There's this "Party of Five" hierarchy that starts with Neve Campbell, who's yes a bit whiny and limited as an actress, but has some depth and makes interesting choices. Then there's J-Love, who's as dull and artificial as possible, walking in Campbell's shoes only so long as they don't stray from the popular mainstream. Finally, poor little Lacey Chabert, who since puberty has tried to become J-Love so completely that one worries she might one day murder Steven Weber with her shoe.

52) Denise Richards: Like every red-blooded American male, I too understand too well the shame of viewing "Wild Things" in the privacy of my own home. Like every American, I too understand this shame comes mostly from also having seen her turn as a nuclear physicist in a Bond movie, about as likely as Roberto Benigni turning up as Bond in a Bond movie. Which has led to my no longer being able to enjoy "Wild Things," which I guess is okay, because I could do with less of Kevin Bacon's bacon in my movie diet anyway.

51) Gwen Stefani: While I liked No Doubt from go, I suspected I could never tolerate listening to a full album of Stefani's distinctly nasal vocals. Well, I said the same thing about Billy Corrgan, and was proven wrong. However, despite my time as a Stefani apologist after "Love Angel Music Baby," I'm feeling a bit L.A.M.B.ed out. While I continue to believe Stefani's solo debut was intended to be campy as all heck, it doesn't change the fact I've had to suffer through "What You Waiting For?" "Cool" and "Luxurious" as truly painful singles in heavy rotation. This shit is bananas. B. A. N. A. N. A. S.

50) Beyonce: For good or ill, the only true successor of the Diana Ross legacy of dicking with your band until ascending to full-on diva status. On the other hand, she seems nowhere near as helpless and awful a person as, say, Mariah Carey. Which skirts the issue of my lack of attraction, but I felt like sharing.