Saturday, August 2, 2008

Ask's Top 99 Women 2006 Edition #1-49

49) Haifa Wehbe: Somehow, spell check had no trouble with "Haifa." I should look that up in the dictionary later.

48) Veronica Varekova: Nine times out of ten, "supermodel" is synonymous with "pass."

47) Aishwarya Rai: I really hope she becomes famous, because the first lame cartoonist unable to easily nail her jarringly crescent profile will be pilloried.

46) Rebecca Romijn-Stamos: It absolutely says something about me that I'm only attracted to this woman when she's smeared head-to-toe in blue paint with contacts and latex appliances (although black hair dye helps.)

45) Evangeline Lilly: I so wish that, instead of an actress, this was some exploitation movie heroine come to life. "They took her body… but not her spirit! Or her crossbow! Justice, thy name is Evangeline Lilly!"

Can you tell I'm bored?

44) Shania Twain: I cannot say this woman's name and not feel like you're retelling a Jeff Foxworthy joke. Her mere presence made "I Heart Huccabees" even more existentially off. When you're looking for an avatar of the forces that turned country music into top 40 pop with a bad twang, search no further.

43) Brooke Burke: In get it, and yet not.

42) Kelly Brook: At first I thought it was fatigue from the time and length of the list, but this makes twenty-one women in a row I'm just not that into. Kind of a drag.

41) Paz Vega: See, I'm feeling better already. Know why? Because "Sex & Lucia" was one of those perfect movies that marries engaging characters, compellingly intricate script, and reams of soft-core porn. It stimulates you everywhere, regardless of gender. It was so great, I even have positive feelings toward "Spanglish," both an Adam Sandler vehicle and a creative failure buoyed mostly by Vega's appeal and, of all things, Cloris Leachman.

40) Carmen Electra: She has a nice body and lots of make-up, but her ex-husband is prettier.

39) Kylie Minogue: I know its been nearly twenty years since "The Loco-Motion," but I can't get her out of my head as a novelty act.

38) Kate Bosworth: Hate Bosworth. Playing Sandra Dee was perfect for this charisma vacuum. Yet another reason not to see "Superman Returns."

37) Faith Hill: I confess to liking "This Kiss" despite my better taste, but that's all you're getting out of me.

36) Alessandra Ambrosio: Okay. You on the other hand have earned my lust. I'll admit that.

35) Keira Knightley: Ah, the guilt-free alternative to Natalie Portman. Thrice the nudity, half the acting chops, but still the sexiest tomboy beanpole on the planet. Just keep her away from roles requiring her to be butch and/or American.

34) Elsa Benitez: There sure are a lot of models on these lists. Is their lack of speech and motion a plus or minus?

33) Sofia Vergara: Given her filmography, a plus.

32) Penelope Cruz: That smile. Those eyes. The accent. A willingness to appear topless in movies. What's not to love love love? A lot, I guess, considering I'm one of the only people I know who doesn't think she looks like a pug dog.

31) Maria Sharapova: Anna Kournikova Part Deux. Which I guess means some distant relation to Nabakov's Lolita. Whatever.

30) Trish Stratus. No. Just no.

29) Naomi Watts: Maybe it's the blond thing. There's a clear liability pattern here.

28) Scarlett Johansson: See, I thought Enid was the hot one in "Ghost World." I really don't enjoy the voice, by the way.

27) Jennifer Aniston: Still cute, but age is kind of turning her into Barbara Streisand. Brr.

26) Gisele Bundchen: Well, I guess I should be thankful the supermodels are getting tastier, but remain bittersweet.

25) Salma Hayek: I've said it before and will again—all reports lead me to believe she's worth losing an appendage over. Stunningly gorgeous. Whip-smart. Great sense of humor. Sexy accent. Hates exercise and dieting, yet looks great. Edward Norton, you are a fool! Oh, and I get a side of Penelope Cruz when "Bandidas" comes out this year*? See, that's the kind of incentive that should have people camping out at the movie theater for weeks.

*Or not. "Bandidas" sucked rocks. What a waste.

24) Eva Mendes: Talk about a sideswipe. You go from one of the most desirable women in existence to the bimbo romantic interest of a dozen underwhelming action movies? I appreciate her recent onslaught of nude photography, though.

23) Elisha Cuthbert: Ugh. Please. Are you kidding me? Its not just that she's not my type, its a basic accounting issue. As in how do you account for anyone, especially this bony flavor-of-last-month, to rank above Salma Hayek?

22) Torrie Wilson: Who is this person? A wrestler? No really, a wrestler? Who voted in this thing? I want the time I spent going through this list back, right fucking now!

21) Kelly Monaco: You guys actually watched "Dancing With The Stars?" But the site has "Ask MEN" right there in the title?

20) Roselyn Sanchez: I don't think there was a single scene in "Boat Trip" when her nipples were not clearly visible. God bless.

19) Halle Berry: Once again, Halle Berry is saltpeter. She's anti-sex. Even though he was married to Angeline Jolie, when Billy Bob Thorton said words to the effect of "You can be with the most beautiful woman in the world, and it can be like humping a couch," my mind instead flashed to his "Monsters Ball" co-star. Can you feel the hate? Oh, and give me that Oscar back! Angela Bassett has a space already cleared for it. Halle Berry is no Jada Pinkett-Smith, I'll tell you that! And if love was going to bring my ass home, "home" would be wherever Robin Givens' ass was planted.

18) Lindsay Lohan: I dig the freckles, but how can you get past that coke-fueled personality and weight loss? Unless your only other option is Paris Hilton, of course.

17) Josie Maran: Best known for playing second fiddle to Kate Beckinsale's aforementioned pants in "Van Helsing." I'll go on record as saying she looks great, but as Matthew Sweet once queried, "can she talk?"

16) Petra Nemcova: So basically, if you have a funny name and an accent, don't expect to make this list if you haven't appeared in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (token racial inclusions exempted).

15) Monica Bellucci: While I of course am going to have problem with any ranking above Salma, the woman is clearly fantastic. Intelligent, deep, voluptuous-- a bit masochistic, yet still regal in bearing. She's so hot, even saying her name is mildly erotic. Moh-ni-ka, Bell-ooo-che. Ha-cha-cha!

14) Marisa Miller: Who? What? The fuck? Here I am coasting on a speedball of Bellucci, and you're going to harsh my mellow with this?

13) Jennifer Hawkins: Its not enough to disagree with the top 20. I think it's more important that I know who the hell they are.

12) Jessica Simpson: My case exactly. I know this person. I understand the hankering of men for her. I just don't share the enthusiasm of the majority. She's so dumb and Aryan, I can't get with the groove.

11) Heidi Klum: Less dumb. More Aryan.

10) Eva Longoria: She's lean, tan, and gets photographed by the paps in her bikini routinely. Regardless, she seems like off-brand Jessica Alba.

09) Natalie Portman: Too soon! It's only been what, fifteen years since "Leon: The Professional?" I can't be expected to get past Matilda wanting her cherry popped by Jean Reno in such a scant time frame. While yes, I felt a bit like I could move on after "Closer," along came "Garden State" to remind me that Portman probably had a crush on a Backstreet Boy. Ask me again when she's thirty-five, and pass me another Keira Knightley DVD in the meantime…

08) Amerie: I'd chalk this up to being "a black thing," except the blackest girl on this list is Beyonce, so that can't be it.

07) Jessica Biel: I wouldn't call myself a fan, but I'd really like to shake the hand of her personal trainer. Outstanding work!

06) Charlize Theron: Confronted with a rather smart Aryan, I'd still rather watch Patsy Kinset fake an Afrikaner accent in "Lethal Weapon 2" instead. She was delightfully pointy back then. But we were talking about Theron, who's a good actress and nice person. Although, in "The Devil's Advocate," it was all about Connie Nielson…

05) Maria Menounos: Much as I rag on Eva Mendes, at least she acts. Most of the other Latinas are out of Playboy or "reality programming."

04) Adriana Lima: Great day in the morning! One of the only supermodels on this list I can really get behind. Ahem.

03) Angelina Jolie: I can't be alone in missing the wild child, right? How can she become Audrey Hepburn with all those tattoos? But sure, she deserves a high ranking, if only through the magic of Hollywood covering all the blemishes. It's a shame to become a matinee idol she had to put up such a fa├žade.

02) Sienna Miller: Two words: Rupert Murdoch. The Brits cocked up this list but good. One more word: skank.

01) Jessica Alba: I was definitely late onto this bandwagon. "Dark Angel" was a turn-off, but y'know, she really blossomed into womanhood, right? And by blossomed, I mean toned and tanned to an unholy degree while developing a bum and a penchant for bearing it. She can't act for shit and she'll look like aged leather in ten years, but she's pretty alright in the moment.

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