A Frank Review of "The Ruins" (2008)

The Short Version? Young WASPs eaten by evil plants in Mayan temple.
What Is It? Horror
Who's In It? Jena Malone
Should I See It? Maybe.

The Ruins is about as serious and high quality a production as one could expect from a killer plant movie. Jena Malone is as always excellent, taking a slight, potentially irritating character and giving her the presence of an actual person. The rest of the pretty twenty-something cast, including Shawn "Iceman" Ashmore, are less successful. Still, you believe they're suffering, and that's all they exist for. I mean, come on-- we're not here for high art. This is about people dying in long, painful, gruesome ways that make you and your friends howl and squirm. Done. We've got things sliding into the human body that ought not to. We've got amputation and mutilation. We've got head shots that enter through the nose. We've got the Audrey II at maximum overdrive. If that's your thing, what more need be said, except perhaps to make a point of watching the darkly comic alternate ending?

A Frank Review of "Waitress" (2007)

The Short Version? Waitress gets knocked up by asshole husband, but finds escape with her OB/GYN.
What Is It? Comedy
Who's In It? Keri Russell, Nathan Fillion, Jeremy Sisto, Andy Griffith
Should I See It? Maybe.

I've heard that the only widely accepted bigotry in modern life is directed at the obese. I would refute that claim, as Waitress proves misandry continues to thrive at the cineplex. Yes, another one of those tales where every single woman is quietly heroic, and every single man in a jerk, either overtly or otherwise. This is a chick flick somehow afforded indie caché, based on the film's protagonist being allowed a few negative attributes, and perhaps some slight twists along the way. Still, for a film of its stripe, writer-director-actress Adrienne Shelly exceeds the audience's expectations. Though self-consciously quirky, and occasionally too precious or broad, I found Waitress ultimately managed to win me over.

This movie has many problems. Like The Astronaut Farmer, it tries to balance real world issues with a fairy tale quality, but fails the delivery on both. They even share a ridiculous windfall scenario that solves pretty near all the complications set up during the running time. The Southern Fried characters are a bunch of lovable yokels, to be laughed at as much as with, and they feel completely fabricated. Again though, it begs forgiveness, and you're likely to grant it.

Keri Russell does an fantastic job of carrying the picture, completely believable as a depressed, sarcastic woman who cannot summon affection for her pathetic husband nor expected child. She is outmatched only by Andy Griffith, deliciously caustic and totally in his element whenever he appears. Nathan Fillion is as charming as ever, but his country-boy-by-way-of-Canada voice makes one wonder why his character's being from Connecticut wasn't written out of the script. Cheryl Hines seems to have based her entire performance on Flo from old "Alice" re-runs. Jeremy Sisto does his best to give depth to the bad material he has to work with as the needy, abusive husband.

Adrienne Shelly is said to have written the picture as a vehicle for herself, and it shows. She's clearly in love with her heroine, and allows none of the other characters to exist in a real way beyond sitcom fare. This extends to her own conciliatory part, which she plays well, but in which she graces herself much more screen time that was genuinely warranted. However, she proved a strong director with a clear vision for what she wanted, and women who relate to her star are liable to fall hard for the picture. Waitress has some genuinely witty dialogue at times, and serves up a big 'ol slice of wish-fulfillment for those in need of comfort pie.

Super-Heroes On Gay Marriage

Superman: "I've vowed to protect all the peoples of the Earth, which means I must avoid taking stances on political issues like this. It could compromise my access the world over."

Spider-Man: "Oh man, I so don't want to talk about marriage anymore. Seriously. But look, whatever makes people happy, I say go for it."

Batman: "No. I've heard the whispers-- about what goes on between myself and my boy companion in the Batcave-- for years. Every time some 'artist' tries to appropriate our image for their agenda, I call my lawyers. Whenever I think of them, it reminds me of the times the Joker has touched me inappropriately. It makes me want to smash their faces with my gloved fist."

Nightwing: "I shaved my legs and wore short pants with pointed booties until I turned eighteen. Any hang-ups I had about sexuality, I worked out years ago."

Daredevil: "The precident is pretty clear on this, which explains why judges are now regularly overturning gay marriage bans. The United States should not tolerate second-class status being bestowed upon any of its legal citizens, regardless of sexual preference."

Captain Marvel: *blush* "I-- you mean-- and they-- ? Holy Moley, I've got to go!"

Ghost Rider: "Only the guilty must fear my Penance Stare!"

Green Arrow: "You fundamentalists and the rest of you sex police are no better than Darkseid!"

The Hulk: "Hulk say people are people! Why can't people life in harmony?!? Why can't people leave Hulk alone!?! Hulk smash all people!!!"

Hawkman: "Filthy humans and your deviant practices! It's unclean, and spreads disease amongst your kind!"

Wolverine: "Ain't my business, one way or the other. Your's neither. Let 'em be, eh?"

Wonder Woman: "My Amazon nation of Themyscira is often referred to as 'Paradise Island.' There is a reason for that. Also, when I first came to Man's World, I read all of your Judeo-Christan-Islamic Bibles. There were no derogative mentions of lesbianism, and far fewer condemnations of male homosexuality than of the still common practices of eating pork and committing adultery. Suffering Sappho, why can't people just respect one another in this modern age!"

Iron Man: "If they want to be as miserable as the married couples I know, that's their problem, not mine. I've got real issues to deal with, like superhuman registration, directing S.H.I.E.L.D., the 50 State Initiative, and a Skrull invasion."

The Flash: "I'm from the Midwest. We don't believe in all that liberal nonsense. I've worked alongside and fought against gays, so I don't deny the lifestyle, but Christian marriage is between a man and woman. It's a simple fact."

The Thing: "Y'know, we all talked about that stuff at the H.Q., and we all figger it's no big deal. Reed yacked about all that anthropological yadda-yadda, an' Sue n' Johnny both get all their fashion tips from the light-in-the-loafer types. What's the harm?"

Green Lantern: "I've visited more planets than I can count, and been exposed to about as many different cultures. It's hard to get bent out of shape over Proposition 8 when you're serving the laws of the Guardians of the Universe."

The Punisher: "I saw my wife and children gunned down in front of me. I've spent decades since ridding the world of scum in their memory. I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I don't want to see some chic queer meth-heads turning it into a joke."

Aquaman: "I can name sixteen fish and four amphibians, including salmon, that practice homosexuality. It's natural. Your certificates mean nothing."

The Mighty Thor: Verily, thine gods in Asgard wish her people to make the womb fruitful. Thou shouldst not be as fuðflogi nor flannfluga, but produce offspring who wouldst till the soil. Still, should a man find needs unfulfilled whilst away from womenfolk in battle, he may satisfy the call of his loins with a lesser male. 'Tis preferable thou dost not become sansorðinn, as it dost not befit the warrior!"

John Constantine: "What, did Thatcher drop a bastard child in the States and name her Coulter on the way back 'cross the pond? Why should anyone care if some bloke up another wants to make like husband and wife?"

Captain America: "It's a common misperception that I'm some sort of nationalist, fighting for the interests of one political party or another. People also forget I'm a New Yorker who lived through Prohibition. I even grew up with a gay childhood friend, though I didn't find that out for years after. I've sworn to the Uniformed Services Oath, which means I'm willing to give my life to support and defend the ideals of the Constitution signed by our Founding Fathers in 1776. Based on it, the Bill of Rights, and the spirit behind their creation, I can't imagine their intention was ever to restrict the freedom of our nation's citizens. If consenting adults are willing to enter into the union of marriage, regardless of gender, I'm perfectly willing to defend their choice to do so."

Reservoir Dogs vs. The Usual Suspects

I'm trying to determine once again what my all-time favorite movie is. This process usually falls apart after a while, but I've watched enough favs since last year to feel like I can finally pull this off. Since these are all-time, I'm trying to look at dated picks that have perhaps fallen out of favor over the years. Both of these two qualify, and I even put them into a heist marathon (also featured: "Sexy Beast" and "Snatch") to make them feel more relevant. Still, neither cuts the mustard as a top tenner anymore.

Quentin Tarantino vs. Bryan Singer & Christopher McQuarrie
Obviously Quent revolutionized cinema with his work as a writer-director in the early 90's, but many may forget that Siskel and Ebert gave "Reservoir Dogs" two thumbs down on release. It's certainly true the material seemed more fresh at the time, and 20/20 hindsight reveals how "written" the supposedly natural script now sounds. I've found "Reservoir Dogs" gets weaker with each successive viewing, and seems merely a prelude to the masterpiece that was "Pulp Fiction."

Meanwhile, "The Usual Suspects" was initially viewed as riding on "Reservoir Dogs" coattails, but in fact the film holds up better than its supposed inspiration. While I'd say the film owes a debt to both of Tarantino's initial directorial efforts, there's an Old Hollywood class to "Suspects" that both those films lack. Much of the tone and framing of the picture seems right out of 50's noir. While there is as much graphic violence in Singer's film as Tarantino's, the air of intrigue trumps their intensity so that you just don't notice. "The Usual Suspects" makes no pretense about being anything but a deliberately crafted story, and I think that gives it the edge.
Winner: Singer/McQuarrie

Tim Roth vs. Gabriel Byrne
Wow, but this is a blowout. Roth plays the American Mr. Orange in "Dogs," which seems like retaliation for the Englishman Dick Van Dyke in "Mary Poppins." His accent is horrible, wavering, and downright hilarious when he occasionally sounds like Grover off "Sesame Street." I finally came around to Roth's work in "Four Rooms," but generally speaking, I pass on movies with his name on them. He was the obvious weak link in his cast. Meanwhile, Gabriel Byrne was in "Miller's Crossing." I need not say more, but even Byrne will concede that he essentially plays variations of himself in every movie. That's okay, because he's an engrossing individual, and he's smart enough not to overextend himself as Roth did.
Winner: Byrne

Harvey Keitel vs. Kevin Spacey
Woo boy, but this one's tougher. I happen to think these roles were among both actors' best, and they carry them off marvelously. Spacey's is the showier performance, but did you ever doubt Mr. White's conviction or sympathy? Still, as has been often noted, Spacey not only has to play a palsy sufferer, but give an additional subliminal second performance on top of the first that rewards repeat viewings. This was a deserved star-maker for Spacey, so...
Winner: Spacey

Michael Madsen vs. Stephen Baldwin
I really wanted to avoid this match-up, but how could I? Both of these guys play the homicidal sociopaths in their respective films, both oozed charisma, and both squandered any audience love and respect for the rest of their careers. Forget "Bio-Dome"-- since finding Jesus Baldwin has appeared in a third generation knock-off of "Point Break" combined with the Wesley Snipes' vehicle "Drop Zone," which co-starred Tom Berringer and Dennis Rodman. Since finding that tequila worms taste better than gummy bears in equal quantity, Michael Madsen bypassed "Free Willy" as a career low and moved on to a Uwe Boll production co-starring Meatloaf and the Terminatrix. I confess to having a Man-Crush for Baldwin in "U.S." and nowhere else (he reminded me of Roger Moore in "Ffolks",) but everyone knows this is Mr. Blond's category.
Winner: Madsen

Steve Buscemi vs. Kevin Pollock
Quick: Name a Steve Buscemi movie before "Dogs." Quick: Name a Kevin Pollock movie after "Suspects." Now you understand why Steve Buscemi has carved a respectable niche for himself in Hollywood, while Pollock has become the Geoffrey Lewis to Bruce Willis' Clint Eastwood. Sometimes less is more.
Winner: Buscemi


Benicio Del Toro vs. Quentin Tarantino
It's been said Quent really wanted to act. Well, Del Toro turned his nothing role into another scene stealer, while Tarantino made the first of many grating cameos that reminded everyone why it's best directors usually stay behind the camera.
Winner: Benicio

Chazz Palminteri vs. Laurence Tierney
Hands down, the best behind the scenes stories came out of Tierney's presence, but onscreen, I've got to go with Dave Kujan.
Winner: Palminteri

Chris Penn vs. Pete Postlewaite
In a bit of a shake-up, I really do like Chris Penn. He's a fun guy in real life, and I'll take his silly "filmography" over all Pete's "serious work." Besides, he's dead now, so it's nice to see him win some kind of recognition, even posthumously.
Winner: Penn

Well, it seems my loyalties are with "The Usual Suspects," though I found neither flick could crack my top films list...

1988 Epic Comics "The Light And Darkness War" Ad

Emanuelle in Bangkok (Part One, 1976)

Character Name: Emanuelle
Actress: Laura Gemser
Actual Movie Title: "Emanuelle Nera: Orient Reportage"
Known Aliases: "Black Emanuelle II," "Emanuelle in Bangkok," "Black Emanuelle Goes East," "Black Emanuelle En Orient"
Country of Origin: Italy
Character Nationality: United States
Occupation: Photojournalist
Zodiac Sign: Gemini
Locales: Italy, Thailand, Morocco
Release Date: May 7, 1976 (Italy)
Director: Joe D'Amato
DVD: Black Emanuelle's Box, Vol. 1 (1976)
Stats: Third "Emanuelle Nera" film, second with Gemser.

Story: In a pre-title sequence, Emanuelle worked in a dark room with a randy fellow who seduced her. Not exactly James Bond, but certainly a taste of what to expect. Next came wacky theme music that recalled Roger Miller, so far from left field Emo Phillips says "Hi." Emanuelle then wandered city streets, until being met by her archeologist friend Roberto (Gabriele Tinti) and boarding a steamboat. The pair had agreed to travel together until reaching Bangkok, at which point Roberto would continue to a dig, while she would remain to begin an investigation. Eating in the dining room, Emanuelle took note of Roberto's flattery and mild jealousy, before the pair adjourned to make love to the rhythm of the ship's pistons. An alternate, less absurd Emanuelle theme chimed in.

Having made port, Roberto tried once more to talk Emanuelle into staying together. She didn't see them as a viable couple, with their globe-trotting careers. "Remember our agreement, each one on his own path. Don't ruin everything with romantic nonsense." Goodbye kisses were exchanged, and Emanuelle stepped into her waiting car, where she found a bouquet of pink flowers and a note: "Prince Sanit welcomes his lovely guest Emanuelle." Her driver literally took the scenic route before dropping her at the hotel. He refused her tip, so we can all blame the director for the padding. Escorted to her room, Emanuelle found a fit Thai bellhop running her a bath. She wasted little time in doffing her clothes while the bellhop looked on, though he proved skittish and made his exit.

Emanuelle met the cousin of the king, Prince Sanit (Ivan Rassimov,) for dinner on a boat. She pressed him for access to the king to obtain photos and an interview, but his price had risen since he last offered his service. Dollar figures weren't so much a concern as a desire for Emanuelle's continued company, which she accepted. The pair toured Bangkok, as the Prince explained royal lineage, and how his pro-American views were in direct opposition to the king's. Emanuelle spotted an Anglo man in sunglasses and military greens with long, heavily receded hair spying on her.

Prince Sanit sent Emanuelle to visit a massage parlor he recommended highly, where she was tended to by Gee (Koike Mahoco.) Though the body-to-body massage isn't even as interesting as Emmanuele 3's pale imitation of Gemser's own from Emmanuelle: The Joys of a Woman, the girls decided to become fast friends. The pair chatted while touring the markets, then lunch, before Emanuelle returned to her hotel alone. She again spotted her stalker (Fausto Di Bella,) and brushed off an awkward advance from the concierge before bathing in her room. She found the bellhop hiding in a corner, and invited the timid young man to dance, as well as give her a far more engaging massage. Unfortunately for the poor boy, Roberto came knocking on the door, signaling that he would go no further. Roberto's jeep had broken down, forcing his return to Bangkok. "Emanuelle, you really are incorrigible."

Later, Roberto took Emanuelle and Gee to meet the American couple who gave him a lift back to civilization. Jimmy (Giacomo Rossi-Stuart) and Frances (Ely Galleani,) tourists who'd pretty much seen the whole world, claimed, "There's nobody in Ohio who has a [souvenir] collection like the one that we have." The wealthy pair of republicans got on famously, and never fought. Director D'Amato played with perspective to really show off the sights during this obligatory travelogue sequence through temples and villages. There was even a dazzling sword fight and exotic strippers (to be poorly swiped for Emmanuele 3.)

Everyone ended up back at one of Prince Sanit's homes, smoking opium. Unsurprisingly, an orgy followed. Match Card: Roberto vs. Frances; Jimmy vs. Gee; Roberto & Jimmy vs. Emanuelle; Frances vs. herself; Frances vs. Gee. Once everyone else had passed out, Emanuelle and Prince Sanit moved on into a room of their own. The prince waxed pseudo-philosophical in the manner of Mario, while trading nekkid massages.

The next day, Emanuelle visited a village alone, snapping shots of a bloody cage match between a cobra and mongoose (Rikki-Tikki-Tavi victorious.) Why? 'Cuz.

Emanuelle returned to her hotel room to strip, only to find Roberto banging Gee in her bed. Why? Why ask why? Emanuelle briefly looked on smiling, then headed poolside, and met Jimmy. It seemed the night before had hit the married couple "like an atomic bomb," making them recognize their complacency and lack of sexual dynamic. They separated, with Frances intent on amicably returning alone to the States. Roberto and Gee soon joined Emanuelle and Jimmy, then the archeologist split off with Emanuelle. They mocked the dissolving marriage, wondering who gets custody of all those souvenirs? Roberto was off to a new dig 200 miles east of Casablanca, while Emanuelle was set to interview the first mistress of the king. Roberto wished she would join him, but the Italian was again rebuffed. "Life would become boring for us, and we could ruin everything."

Left alone at Bangkok International Airport, Emanuelle returned to her hotel room to find it ransacked. Her cameras, pictures and passport were all missing. The bellhop explained "I tried to hold them back, but they were too many." The concierge arrived in time to be briefly scolded as Emanuelle stormed out of the hotel.

Arriving at Prince Sanit's house, Emanuelle found it abandoned, save for an upturned bouquet of pink flowers. Emanuelle was confronted by her stalker, and a mass of additional creeps soon materialized. Emanuelle was sexually assaulted, but began to turn the tables on her attackers with gentle caresses. It seemed to soften their hearts, though not their pricks, as Emanuelle was gang raped. Still, she heard Prince Sanit words about her erotic powers again in her mind, and seemed to take the ordeal largely in stride. Her stalker even walked her out to a car, explaining she needed to leave the country, as Prince Sanit was now under investigation regarding a coup conspiracy. The prince was in prison, awaiting exile, while the stalker was merely a hireling of the king. He encouraged Emanuelle to contact the local authorities about her missing passport...

...To Be Continued...

A Frank Review of "The Astronaut Farmer" (2006)

The Short Version? Failed astronaut turned farmer builds rocket, but ticks off government.
What Is It? Family film
Who's In It? Billy Bob Thornton, Virginia Madsen, Bruce Dern, Tim Blake Nelson, J.K. Simmons
Should I See It? No.

I love Billy Bob Thornton as a screenwriter, and often like him as an actor, but I wish he did more of one than the other. The man is not the most discerning when it comes to performing other folks' scripts, y'see. For instance, this movie, while good-natured, is just all kinds of dumb. It seems to chase the Disney crowd, but Billy Bob's character is too much of a flake and questionable role model to sit well with that lot. He plunges his family deep in debt, yanks his kids out of school, runs afoul of Homeland Security, and even turns down a free ride on a modern rocket in pursuit of a really dangerous dream. Don't do this at home. The movie also seems to push for science education and a love of of conventional space travel, but any fans of that sort of thing are going to bust a gut at the gross inaccuracies portrayed.

Billy Bob himself is one-note. Virginia Madsen is much better, completely selling an unlikely character. She deserves better. Tim Blake Nelson serves well in a thankless role. Bruce Dern seems befuddled, hopefully on purpose, and appears a few times as a deus ex machina. J.K. Simmons puts on his J. Jonah Jameson cap. Kiersten Warren is 41, and must bathe in the blood of virgins, along with the nearly 50 Madsen. There are also some celebrity cameos, including Billy Bob's co-star from that other astronaut movie he was in, which was somehow more plausible than this. Seriously.