Captain America Trailer (2011)

I'm currently watching Twin Peaks on DVD, and I have come to realize that between the first and second seasons, FBI Special Agent Dale Coopers goes from a brilliant Holmesian detective to a clueless tool of supernatural forces. Regardless, I continue to enjoy and respect the character, because actor Kyle MacLachlan brought such a unique energy and enthusiasm to the role. Had any other actor played Cooper, it would have been a completely different and likely diminished character.

Captain America is like Dale Cooper. Spider-Man is an everyman that can be pretty well personified by a wide assortment of nebbishy actors, and Batman stars the suit unless the actor gets in its way (Mr. Clooney.) With Superman, you can cast a "type" and pretty much be okay. Lacking real super-powers or a costume that translates to live action, yet being expected to command the actions of demigods and adoration of crowds, you need an actor with serious presence to pull off Captain America.

All the advance press on the new Captain America movie has shown Chris Evans, without the benefit of his Johnny Storm sarcasm, being "worn" by his underwhelming, anachronistic costume. Despite an impressive physique, Evans is just swimming inside this get-up and drowning in unmet expectations. Whereas every new piece of film validates Chris Hemsworth as rising to the challenge of playing Thor in a film that seems to hit the exact right notes, my expectations of Captain America keep sinking lower and lower.

The trailer shows the special effects guys have done a fine job of making Evans look like a 4F weakling, but then he pulls this steady Miley Cyrus duck face, and they stick him in some blatant CGI super-soldier pod with an '80s anime look. I don't care if we still don't have super-soldier pods in 2011-- I want a super soldier pod that at least has a 1940s aesthetic to buy into the fantasy. Put some fins on that bitch or something.

The pod opens and its like, "hot damn, that guy is ready for Chippendale's." Then he starts talking, and I'm again reminded that the vessel might have been enlarged, but the soul hasn't. Chris Evans is still just a dude in a bulky, awkward costume. He lifts that shield like a man-purse, and I'm like "whoa, you grab that chain like it was a direct line to the boredom center of my brain." It gave me a flashback to Tim Roth pumped up with the super-soldier serum in The Incredible Hulk. I saw that a year or so ago, and was like "Mr. Orange is rocking the grenade launching acrobatics like he's on an invisible jungle gym! I hope the Captain America movie can top this." Chris Evans isn't rocking anything. He's sort of playing hopscotch by himself on the lonely end of the sidewalk. He's cowering behind a shield while a limey skirt fires on him for giggles.

Any one of the ladies in Sucker Punch has bigger balls that Chris Evans, and Dum-Dum Dugan in the background of that one shot has more presence. The Captain America trailer is a half-minute history of World War II flying fail.

Ze Greatest Songs Of Mein Time #6: "Kick Him When He's Down" by The Offspring

Written By: The Offspring
Released: 1992
Album: Ignition
Single?: Radio-only in 1995

"Kick Him When He's Down" was the third track on the Offspring's best album, but I didn't hear it until after the mid-'90s dawn of pop-punk on a short-lived new wave/grunge/indie music station. I was working security alone at a sprawling auto center, and hearing the tune would inspire me to hop around in uniform like a spastic '80s club kid, or maybe Ally Sheedy's Breakfast Club character on a pixie stick high. It's a sad, shameless spectacle, but to this day the song gives me happy feet. It's a pretty simple tune about a guy dealing with a bad time and the worst best intentions of others. I definitely had my share of know-nothing authority figures/pseudo-friends play the same game with me, but I got a lot more out of my Lording over the Dance in an empty apartment/parking lot.



Lyrics:

"Hey, you're a riddle," I say as I move aside
Like I really need your advice
But you won't leave it alone
Little men try but don't get a lot done
Living in sin don't move me either way
I get a feeling you're so vague
Like I said before
Little men come when anything goes

[Chorus:]
When the rain comes I sit home and pray
Make it all numb I wish it all away
All I really need is just somewhere to hide away
(Kick him when he's down)
Here alone I'll put up and fight
(Kick him when he's down)
Beat me all the way I'll take it all night
(Kick him when he's down)
Hey, don't worry, I'll get along home alright

Hey, everybody's supposed to be the same
So how come they're so lame?
It's like taking a fall
Keep on running back into that wall
Awake in a dream, get up and go to work
But I'm feeling like such a jerk
Like I said before
Little men come when everything goes

[Chorus]

"Hey, you're a riddle," I say as I move aside
Like I really need your advice
But you won't leave it alone
Little men try but don't get a lot done
Living in sin don't move me either way
I get a feeling you're so vague
Like I said before
Little men come when anything goes

[Chorus w/ adlibs]

The Walking Dead Volume 13: Too Far Gone (2010)

"Too Far Gone" opens with Abraham Ford sitting on the side of his bed, sweating the prospect of revisiting zombieland, with his girlfriend blissfully sleeping. My first thought was that I couldn't care less about Rosita Espinosa, to the point where I had to research her name online. I like Abraham, and his new living situation is one of the highlights of this volume, but Rosita's just lying there, waiting to die.

Eugene Porter served his purpose, and I can't recall if he even appears in this edition. Gabriel Stokes has an excellent role to play here for a number of pages, but then he vanishes, because that role was all he had to offer. They dug up Morgan Jones a while back, and he serves a useful function for about a page. Maggie Greene has been around for a long time, takes care of Sophia, and they're both Glenn's supporting cast. These are people who'll live until they die, as is their lot.

There was a nurse who acted as doctor during the prison arc, and now there's a female doctor. It's hard to tell in black and white, but I believe the old one was blond, and the new one's a redhead. There's a love interest for Andrea. There's a new black guy who cares about his buddy that's going to die. There's some new jerky guys who'll get what's coming to them. These are people who'll die-- die! They're all new friends, but they'll die.

Surreality and nihilism define this story. The cast regulars are all in fine form, and they're all aware. Rick's back in cop mode, Glenn is the cunning sneak thief again, Andrea's taking her shots, Abraham's still a hard ass, Michonne and Carl are just waiting for the zombies to come home to feast. Douglas Monroe is the one new character with multiple facets and staying power, but he still looks set for a grim fate. There's our cast, and then there's bait. Motions are gone through, and they're an entertaining diversion, but this is just the wait before the tears.

A Frank Review of "The Green Hornet" (2011)

The Short Version? Playboy turns moonlighting vigilante with kick ass partner.
What Is It? Super-hero comedy
Who Is In It? The Knocked-Up guy, Princess Fiona, the Taiwanese Justin Timberlake, Col. Hans Landa, Admiral Adama, John Connor
Should I See It? Yes



Based on my having read a number of unflattering reviews of The Green Hornet, I'm left asking what the fuck people expected out of this film? The character's origins are clearly based on the pulp vigilantism of such box office heavyweights as The Shadow and Doc Savage: The Man of Bronze. However the Hornet's heyday was actually as a radio drama, that thing that existed before television that your parent's parents listened to. There was a failed attempt to cash in on Batmania in the 1960s with a short-lived television series. Most recently, fourth rate comic publishers like Now Comics, Moonstone and Dynamite have been desperate enough to claw at credibility with this license. The Green Hornet makes the Phantom look like Batman, so cut it some slack for chrissakes.

Having gotten that off my chest, can I just say that I enjoyed The Green Hornet better than pretty much every Marvel of DC Comics adaptation that comes readily to mind. Most of those flicks are weighted down with familiar mythology, heroic arcs, thwarted expectations, uneven casting and are often just plain dullsville. The Green Hornet has much more in common with last year's rollicking Kick-Ass, in that its primary goal is to have a good time playing dress up when not taking the piss out of this ridiculous genre. However, I actually prefer Hornet, because despite (or perhaps because of) the lack of 11-year-old schoolgirl assassins who call grown men cunts, Hornet feels more adult and believable.

Seth Rogen plays the lead character of Seth Rogen under a different name with Tom Wilkinson as his mean old newspaper tycoon dad. Unlike that neuter boy Bruce Wayne, Rogen uses his daddy's money to party in style with Tony Stark's cast-offs. Once Tom Wilkinson dies, Seth Rogen pretends to be all bummed out about it, although his father was a dick, and assumes a semblance of responsibility. Seth Rogen ends up palling around with his pop's mechanic, Kato. Jay Chou plays Kato, although in the time honored Hollywood tradition of using Asian cinema stars in action movies, Chou's role mostly consists of reciting English language lines phonetically and busting martial arts moves. Seth Rogen wants to do something meaningful with his character's life, but he's not terribly bright or athletic. Kato is an all around bad mother fucker and inventor, but without a formal education and functional application for his skills, his prospects outside Starbucks look dim. However, if Seth Rogen has the money and inclination to play super-hero, why not humor him, eh?

This gets back to why I find this movie a lot more realistic than most super-hero flicks. Shit like Spider-Man goes out of its way to try to explain fantasy stuff in real world terms, while Batman and Superman are all-around gods with flesh penises. Doesn't it make more sense for some douchebag with too much money and too little sense hiring someone to shepherd him through adventures? Of course it's one thing to say it and another to get it done, so reasonable if still somewhat deluded logic is applied to how to actually perform super-heroics. Instead of questioning why the filmmakers wasted your time with some bullshit rational any asshole could pick apart, you're in your seat kind of seeing how that might work.

Cameron Diaz plays the heroes' mutual love interest Lenore Case, and is very much the Pepper Potts of the piece. Diaz's critics may moan about her presence, but the film works in part because of the necessity of her role, even if the love triangle represents the most grating sections of the film. Diaz is a surprisingly good sport when the joke is almost metatextually on her personally, and you might be relieved to learn that her journey doesn't pan out in quite the way you might assume from the onset.

Christoph Waltz brings some good game following his heat from the vastly overrated Inglourious Basterds, but aside from a fun introductory sequence where James Franco kills in a cameo, Chudnovsky has nothing on Kick-Ass' Frank D'Amico. In fact, there is a lot of wasted talent here, with Edward James Olmos coming immediately to mind as playing a role that in no way requires his gravitas. Still, it doesn't hurt the movie to have plenty of good people around to play off, even in its Rogen and Chou's weird anti-chemistry that drives the movie. They work because they kind of don't work, like Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan in Rush Hour.

The same could be said of director Michel Gondry and the material. Gondry is known for novel animated music videos and twee romantic dramas, so he doesn't subscribe to the common wisdom of how to shoot action sequences. Instead of shitty jump cuts or unsteadycam, the action is always clear and amazing to look at. Kato-Vision is a stripped down and less intrusive variation on The Matrix's iconic "bullet time," but influences as diverse as Brian De Palma and The Benny Hill Show weigh in on other sequences. Old and new techniques come together to sell the action and the comedy as only a few greats (Landis, Donner) have ever managed to accomplish.

There's still a fair share of misfires, tonal inconsistencies, and obvious edits hitting the cutting room floor, but the movie is fun because it's a messy beast, rather than the hyper-calculated crapfest super-hero movies usually amount to. If you enjoyed Pineapple Express' modern pothead take on '80s buddy flicks, this here's your same flavor applied to the long underwear set.

Empowered Volume 5 (2009)

After finally having the time and energy to knock out my review of Empowered Volume 4, I was reminded how much I enjoyed it, and wanted to jump right into the next edition. Predictably, I was disappointed, and I'm frankly starting to wonder if there's a mild form of the "Odd Numbered Star Trek Movie" rule beginning to form here. In fact, I'm starting to break down the series' formula.

The first chapter seems like a standard opening that allows Emp to show off some newish power, as well as introduce some characters and detail the workings of the Justice League Satellite Joint Superteam Space Station. This all seems fairly innocuous, but as we learned last time, Adam Warren is already scheming from the get-go. The second chapter partially deals with the repercussions of the previous volume, but it's really about restoring Emp's status quo as her teammates' doormat, as well as furthering a subplot which may be important later. "When Titans Fornicate" is a leftover from volume 3 that was cut for space. It is a 22 page long softcore sex comedy that could have been stuck anywhere, but is good for what it is, and titillating to boot.

Having dispatched with much of the filler, the main plot starts to really flesh out. The Superhomeys finally take note of Willy Pete, the big bad the series has been building up since the beginning. The team is of course dismissive of the skullfucker's threat, so you know this will end one of two ways: another red herring, or with skulls getting fucked. Either way, hints are already dropped about another big bad to potentially replace Willy Pete at a future date, but we're not anywhere near there yet. Actually, a lot of groundwork is laid in this edition, to the point where this is clearly the first half of a TV season arc you just know won't pay off until later. There is however a 53 page final epic where fans meet shit, but unlike the serpentine mystery of the last volume, it's a series of terribly predictable turns of events that (here we go again) will hopefully build to a more satisfying later edition.

Empowered Volume 5 is a reliable workhorse edition. There's humor, there's sex, there's some crazy shit, and there's drama. It is not the volume you would hand over to the uninitiated, but it stands as a unit, even with the multiple unresolved subplots taking up a noticeable amount of space. Most of the chapters hang around past their freshness date, but they're still better than most else of what's around.

The Walking Dead Volume 12: Life Among Them (2010)

Last year, I started three new blogs, which thoroughly demolished any schedule I ever tried to keep at ...nurgh... It meant I never got around to reviewing the incredible eleventh volume of Walking Dead, I actually missed ordering volume twelve somehow, and didn't correct the oversight until thirteen showed up at my door. I'm actually a bit sorry I didn't wait to play catch-up until fourteen.

A friend of mine once reached the point of nearly losing interest in this series because of the length of time spent in the prison setting, and the sharp rise in domestic drama during that period. I never really lost heart, because I enjoyed the smaller, character building stories. I could also see what a beast writer Robert Kirkman was building, as evidenced by the symphony of destruction that was Made To Suffer. Kirkman is still in his post-prison period as of this point, clearly working toward another spectacle. The problem for me this time is I'm even more aware of the calculated construction, and far less invested in the inevitably bleak results.

To my mind, Carl remains the central character around which the series now pivots. Rick still gets most of the "screen time," but his leading role feels more like inertia and the lack of a ready successor than a mandate. Glenn is the perpetual sidekick, Abraham isn't strong enough to take point, Michonne is best when used sparingly, and the presence of Rick keeps Andrea on the sidelines. A new leader-type is introduced in this volume, but he's clearly going to either be a creep, deficient or both. We've gone from Rick the POV rookie hero to the trusted veteran to the broken shell to the desperate neurotic. Despite his many turns, Rick remains a predictable, stabilizing element that now undercuts the tension of the series. I'm bored with him, frankly.

Following the uptick of "Fear the Hunters," "Life Among Them" is the odd numbered Star Trek movie. There's a shambling "reveal" early in the volume that puts the lie to some genre-excess teased "truths." With a bit of build-up, that could have been an "oh shit" moment, but a literal and literary fumbling halved the effect to just an "oh." Almost immediately, new characters and a change of scenery insure there's no sinking feeling, the plot wheels clearly spinning, and there's a sense of a contemplated plotline being abandoned. We were over here, but now we're over here. It feels rather familiar.

In fact, familiarity seems to be the point of this burgeoning mega-arc. Yet another promised land, a role reversal for Rick from naive altruist to conspirator, our cast as the new characters on an old scene. I can see where Kirkman had a novel approach in mind, and it could have made for an epic volume or two, but the premise as played feels stretched thin. This volume opens weak, closes on an obvious note, and most of the middle is perfunctory, inorganic laying of track.

My Disappointments in Archie #616

I was very excited about the prospect of Barack Obama and Sarah Palin joining the Archie Comics stable of characters, but so many of my expectations were dashed in the debut, I must count the ways...

1. Obama "endorsing" Betty instead of Archie, just to fuck with the rednecks.
2. Palin "endorsing" Betty instead of Veronica, after Betty rebuffs Obama and turns out to be a closet case opposed to mixing with coloreds, illegal aliens and non-incestuous abortions.
3. Veronica revealing to her father that she was secretly Obama Girl, and hopes to join the Liberal Media Elite after attending college at UC Berkeley.
4. Dilton Doiley criticized as an intellectual elitist and drummed out unfairly from the Math Club on accusations that advanced calculus is witchcraft.
5. Pop Tate breaks down after realizing Jughead Jones has put the Chocklit Shoppe so far into the black that he'll be taxed in the rich man's bracket.
6. Willow Palin calling Kevin Keller a faggot on Facebook.
7. Chuck Clayton revealed to be Obama's love child. Michelle throws Barack out of the White House. Hillary consoles.
8. Reggie Mantle grilled by the media after applauding the peaceable negotiations skills of Riverdale's Spire Christian Purity League during the desegregation process.
9. Bristol Palin puts lipstick on Ethel Muggs; enters her in Dancing With The Stars as a partner for Dustin Diamond.
10. The Archies furious to learn Miss Grundy was denied necessary treatment by a Death Panel.
11. Sarah Palin fills Moose Mason's face with buckshot.
12. Midge Klump immediately impregnated by Levi Johnston.