Sunday, March 7, 2010

A Frank Review of "Resident Evil: Degeneration" (2008)

The Short Version? CGI animated zombie video game movie.
What Is It? Survival Horror.
Who Is In It? Jubilee.
Should I See It? Probably not.



Being a zombie fan, and at one time a video gamer, it was only natural I'd gravitate toward the Resident Evil series. My introduction and favorite edition was Resident Evil 2, an innovative two-disc game where you would choose to play once as one character, then as another, and your actions in the first would effect change in the second. Leon S. Kennedy starred on one disc, a rookie cop on his way to join the Raccoon City Police Department, who ran smack dab into a citywide viral outbreak that reanimated the dead as flesh eating ghouls. Claire Redfield was your avatar on the other disc, the younger sister of Chris Redfield, the missing star of the previous game whose disappearance Claire was investigating. Leon and Claire worked their way through a variety of monsters and evil corporate machinations to escape Raccoon City before its destruction.

Claire Redfield was reunited with her brother in a later game, subtitled Code: Veronica, and appeared in a reworking of both games called The Darkside Chronicles. A character by the same name appears in the live action movie series, but those films have so little in common with the games' lore, they're essentially separate entities. Leon S. Kennedy turned up in a slew of cameos amongst the many Resident Evil game sequels, and starred in the very popular Resident Evil 4. I myself stuck with the series until Code: Veronica around 2001, but I had lost interest in gaming in general by that point, and never finished it. I tried a few of the later installments, but they had shifted toward first person action/shooting, where I preferred the cold, creepy, awkward cinematic tension of the early games (not to mention their emphasis on strategy over reflexes.)

You may wonder why I'm droning on about video games during what should be a movie review. Well, this computer animated feature, released theatrically in Japan and direct-to-DVD stateside, is the first repairing of Leon and Claire since in 1998. If you're not already a fan of the games, there is absolutely no good reason to watch the film. This is a ninety-six minute cut scene, filled with endless exposition, the most basic characterization, bad voice acting, terrible lip-synching, shots swiped directly from actual movies, stiff character movements, thin plotting, average music and of overall low quality. I watched it with one of the friends I worked through Resident Evil 2, and we spent the whole time pointing out flaws and shouting nostalgic references to the games at the screen. There was a comforting predictability to it all, and it even had Alyson Court reprise her voice work for Claire once again eleven years down the line.

The story tries to go to new places for a zombie movie, including allowing for a non-apocalyptic aftermath, liberal protesters against the Umbrella Corporation's successors, and an outbreak at an airport. These novelties are burned through in the opening minutes, before reverting to a tired Romero-meets-Matrix retread. The characters are so plastic and lifeless, both in animation and voice acting, it's tough to tell the mannequins-as-protagonists from the living dead. The lead characters are reunited after seven years apart, and there's no actual reaction on either's part. "Oh, it's you. Hi. Time to kill zombies again, huh?" An overwrought love interest for Leon is introduced, but beyond their complete lack of chemistry, she overcompensates for her vague masculinity through comically enormous breasts. The story is a hash, and the whole affair reeks of imitation without comprehension. People say and do things because they're based on other film's characters who said and did similar things, but usually within a context with greater depth than a thimble.

Honestly, the video games were better thought out and more involving than this, but if you're already a fan, it isn't completely inept as a diversion. I reckon this was done on the cheap, but all these years after Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, realistic CGI animation continues to make the same mistakes with less attention to detail. It's positively regressive.

Extras?

  • The Generation of Degeneration Welcome to the incredible world of motion capture! Wait-- you've sat through a great many tedious effects/behind-the-scenes documentaries already? Now, do it with subtitles! See: "Creators" draft plots by committee in board rooms! See: An SFX man turned director, and how enthusiastically he's received by nobody mo-cap actors who speak another language! See: How clueless they are about the near absolute absence of storytelling whilst slavishly hewing to a decades old formula! See: Or better yet, don/t!
  • Character Profiles A headshot for each major player with text biographical information. Optional action montages for the leads, and photo gallery for the rest.
  • Voice Bloopers Awful vocal gags grafted onto scenes from the movie.
  • Faux Leon Interview A grating waste of everyone's time, as a mo-cap actor plays make believe without the benefit of CGI, or even a reasonable camera angle.
  • Resident Evil: Degeneration Trailers
  • Resident Evil 5 Special Footage Cut scenes edited into trailers for a game that looks a lot more involving than this movie.
  • Previews There are thirteen trailers and a Blu-Ray ad that collectively are almost as long as the damned movie. The best was for a Sean William Scott/Randy Quaid vehicle called "Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach." Not as terrible as it sounds, but you really should be doing something better with your time.


Saturday, March 6, 2010

1982 Remco Toys Action Figures Ad



I love seeing that tag about "Available at participating K-Mart stores!" K-Mart was the #1 toy store of my po' barrio boy youth. My grandmother would get her prescriptions filled what seemed like every Saturday while I hit the toy aisle and loitered, determining which inexpensive action figure I'd get to take home. If you couldn't tell by the association, Remcos were pretty low rent. The Sgt. Rock line was totally shit (more on that another time,) but I ended up with most of the Warlord figures, if you can call different heads on the exact same body "individual figures." Only the initial three are illustrated here (I never got Arak for some reason,) but there were at least another quarter dozen (heads/repaints) others. I pulled off and lost the wings on my Travis Morgan's helmet, plus a friend of mine's little brother tried to steal it from me, so narc'd him out to get back (don't recall if successful.) Hercules had this shitty foil-wrapped rope that fell apart, and I didn't even have him that long. He went into a storage unit during a move, which my parents neglected to pay for.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Power Lords #1 (December, 1983)



I have a certain nostalgic fondness for the Power Lords and their perceived potential, even if the toys and concept were actually pretty shitty. When I found a set of their long forgotten three issue DC Comics mini-series on sale for $1.50, I figured, why not? The creative team was surprisingly good, being a pre-Hex outing by Michael (The Spectre) Fleisher and Mark (Wolverine) Texeira. I will always love Tex, as evidenced by all the crap books I've bought with his art, dating back to at least Psi-Force and including this.

Things started out well enough, with the alien heroine Shaya flying a "space sled" through the black vacuum. She was trying to evade a Trigore Squadron, "mutant intergalactic scavengers" who looked like green anteaters with tusks that shot lasers out of their snouts. A pack of them ran after Shaya through outer space, forcing her to make a desperate trek to Earth.

Meanwhile, Dr. Ivey at an observatory observed the strange emanations caused by this battle with his mysterious amnesiac assistant Adam. Ivey had an inexplicable faith in the unexplicated Adam, and left him alone that night to tend to the observatory. Adam had visions of terrible genocide on extraterrestrial worlds, and rushed outside when the space sled landed nearby.

The exiting Shaya knew exactly who and what Adam was, literally tugging Adam to her starcraft to exit Earth space before the Trigore Squadron caught up with them. Once in flight, Shaya reverted to her grody red-skinned natural Toranian form, and gave Adam a strange jewel to affix to his forehead, so he could become similarly gross, but in a shade of blue. Shaya revealed Adam was in truth an alien Power Lord, heir to the monarchy of Izah and Moira. Both had been murdered by the buggy Arkus the Dictator is a surprise assault, on which he was joined by Ggriptogg the Crusher and Raygoth, the "Goon of Doom." Against his will, Adam's memory had been wiped, and he was secreted on Earth by Shaya. This put Arkus out, because his overzealous goons weren't supposed to slaughter the royal family, at least until after they granted him access to their devastating weaponry.



Shaya flew to Volcan Rock, a roving Death Star and probable playset from which she meant to help Adam Power launch his counteroffensive. Thanks to his gem, Adam could become Lord Power, allowing him tricks like unaided space flight and energy projection. The latter was required to reactivate Volcan Rock, and after doing so, Adam and Shaya were ambushed by Ggriptogg and Raygoth. Adam managed to overpower (ba-dum-bump) the pair, but was disintegrated alongside Shaya by a stealthy Arkus.

For the opening chapter of a licensed property, Power Lords was strong, especially compared to most of DC's other attempts to catch the same lightning as Marvel's Conan/Star Wars/Micronauts/G.I. Joe./Transformers/etc. While the timeline here was screwy, Fleisher set up a reasonable framework to drive a series. The villains weren't well defined, but Adam's life on Earth seemed interesting. While Texeira has his obvious faults, his pages were fairly pretty, and his moody lighting gave these highly derivative events dramatic weight. A shame it would all go downhill from here...


Monday, March 1, 2010

1982 Revell Power Lords Ad



Man, was this ad all over the back cover of my comics that year. I think I bought a Lord Adam Power because he reminded me of one of my favorite heroes, Adam Warlock, with his bejeweled brow and big hair. Try as I might to play with him along those lines, I could never quite wrap my brain around his being a beast with no backs, just fronts. It's also hard to treat a guy like a bad ass when he looks like Family Ties patriarch Michael Gross in his human form. I was pretty fanatical about acquiring all-to-rare female figures in my youth, so I also owned Shaya, "The Queen of Power." I knew she also turned into a red-skinned mutant going in, but I think the real deal breaker was that I hadn't realized she was wearing a muskrat wig. I dated a girl who wore a wig. It makes their heads all tacky from sweat. Then and now, not a turn on. Nobody wanted to be Shaya's boyfriend, and she was too scrawny to feel like a legitimate threat (see also the manorexic Adam.) She just kind of loitered in my collection before disappearing one day without being immediately noticed for, like, actually, I think I just now realized she was ever lost. Adam Power played at the periphery of my collection for years before something happened to him. Again, I don't recall what. Yard sale? I just know I don't have him anymore.

As for the rest, they were too weird and funky looking for my taste. I never even dug them out of the discount bin, which for me is saying something. Did anybody ever love the Power Lords?

Sunday, February 28, 2010

A Frank Review of "The Crazies" (2010)

The Short Version? Rage Virus in Bumfuck, U.S.A.
What Is It? Horror.
Who Is In It? Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell
Should I See It? Maybe.



Despite the original Dawn of the Dead being one of my absolute favorite films, I've never been especially fond of director George A. Romero. I've seen quite a few of his movies, and most fail to make a strong impression. For instance, I rented his 1973 film The Crazies about twenty years ago, and never needed to see it again. Like many zombie nerds, I was expecting a variation on Night of the Living Dead, but with townspeople turned homicidal by a chemical agent, rather than attacked by flesh eating ghouls. I did get a variation, but it was instead amateur local actors in a micro-budget thriller that mostly takes place in one house. What most people take away from it is the anti-military-industrial complex angle, which got grafted onto scores of survival horror projects since (Return of the Living Dead, Resident Evil.) Hell, one of the supposed innovations of 28 Days Later... was simply marrying The Crazies to Romero's Dead films. Anyway, my point is that I can only barely recall the original film as a handful of striking images and transgressive acts. Beyond that, there's only room for improvement in a remake, which I was able to watch with preconceptions.

That said, the modern Crazies owes more to Danny Boyle than George Romero. It's very self-aware, in that it knows you've seen this type of movie before and don't need to be bored by recitation of the obvious. The first crazy person shows up almost immediately, while the leads are all in place within minutes. The cause of the outbreak of infectious lunacy is determined and addressed, obligatory scenes like the town sheriff warning a disinterested mayor are as brief as possible, and the first thirty-minutes hits every obvious beat in shorthand. Your ass is in a theater seat to see crazy people, and the film is cut together to get you crazy people as quickly and with as few obstacles as possible. The flick is very clever and concise in this regard. It is also the film's great failing.

You see, The Crazies is so busy delivering the most obvious and desirable goods to the masses, that it has no actual life outside jump scares and well crafted carnage. The leads are all types that speak in exposition, with no souls or real personalities. You root for them because the alternative is to side with ugly murderous subhumans. There is no text, much less subtext. It is the motion picture as video game proxy. It looks cool and moves fast, so you don't have time to think about how empty it all is. Fans of this genre will find it comfortingly familiar, except for its almost total lack of balls. A dark ending you see set up by the middle point never pays off, the imposing military presence is just scared kids following orders, and any opportunity to say anything with this picture besides "look out for the monsters" is avoided. Because of this, you're pretty sick of the repetitive crazy attacks by the last reel, and are just ready to wrap the damned thing up. It's strictly a popcorn flick, and stale before you leave your seat.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

2009 Red Wolf and Lobo Commission by John Byrne

Click To Enlarge


I'm always pleasantly surprised when anyone remembers one of my favorite disregarded Marvel heroes, Red Wolf, much less a big name like John Byrne drawing him. I wasn't aware the Initiative replaced the last Lobo with Rahne Sinclair, but if Longshot can join the X-Men, I guess Warpath can gain a 'lil Injun buddy in X-Force. I still need to work on my Captain Comet Bantum Blog, but sooner or later the Masked Avenger of the Western Plains will get his, and Byrne's brief '70s work on the character will be covered. Be sure to click the pic to get the full story on the enlarged art...

Thursday, February 25, 2010

When Captain America Slings His Shitty Casting Short List

I've been a comic book fan since the Carter Administration, so I've seen more than my fair share of bad comic book movies, especially from Marvel. Though it's increasingly just a bad memory, Marvel movies were 'round about uniformly terrible cheapies until Blade, with Incredible
Hulk
television specials being among the high water marks. Nowhere near that level were the two 1970s Captain America TV movies, and the 80s "theatrical" film stunk so bad it never even played in its native country. However, the previous decade raised the bar in a major way, with highly respected actors and directors assuming the roles of Marvel's greatest heroes in blockbuster (and not so much) features. Among their most iconic remains my personal favorite, the Sentinel of Liberty himself, so of course only the most respected actor could fill his cavalier boots on the silver screen. You know, like goddamned Matthew McConaughey.

Can I get a "what the fuck?" After a decade in which Robert Downey Jr., Ed Norton, Wesley Snipes, Ben Affleck, Christian Bale, and other luminaries have taken up super-heroic guises, why does Captain America persistently get the shitty end of the stick? How can a filmmaker have been found who gets a barely-A-list character like Iron Man so right he becomes an international sensation after nearly fifty middling years, but we can't scrounge up someone who understands Cap at the most basic level?

Director Joe Johnston still doesn't impress, and he appears to be looking to the worst possible candidates to cast as the Living Legend of World War II. Let me offer up some pointers:
  • Steve Rogers was born in 1920s New York, where he grew up during the Great Depression a sickly child with an unemployed alcoholic father. His mother died young after devoting her life to supporting the entire family, and her husband had already passed of consumption before her. Rogers was 6'2", but he weighed about 98lbs. He carried on through his intellect and force of will. Rogers was so determined to fight the Nazis, even before the U.S. entered WWII, that he took suicidal risks to prove himself in the Super Soldier program.
  • After becoming Captain America, Steve played a goofball ne'r do well in the Army while secretly going AWOL to battle the forces of tyranny.
  • Cap would have to have a commanding voice and inspire the utmost respect to lead both the Invaders and, when sequel time comes, the Avengers.

Taking all that into account, why are the auditions for the role of Captain America populated by pretty young California surfer dudes and nigh-middle aged sitcom stars?

Yahoo News and Comic Book Resources have both recently commented on Jackson's short list for the role. It's pretty much shit. Let's take a look:

  • Chase Crawford



Associated Words: Boring. Dandy. Forced. Emo.

  • Mike Vogel


Associated Words: Dude.

  • Michael Cassidy


Associated Words: Deep nasal voice. Skinny. Stiff. Slightly effete. CW.

  • Patrick Flueger


Associated Words: Dumb. Skinny. Gnarly.

  • John Krasinski

Associated Words: Average. Round. Oldish. Lame. GTFO.

  • Wilson Bethel



Associated Words: Soft. Skinny. Blank.

  • Garrett Hedlund


Associated Words: Attitudinal. Emo. Skinny. Unfortunate hair.

Thankfully, there are a few not embarrassing options. Longshots, of course, but here are the best of the lot...

  • Jensen Ackles


Associated Words: Ruggedish. Fake accent. Committed. Jared isn't an option, why?


  • Ryan McPartlin



Associated Words: Captain Awesome. Good body. Really tall. Funny. Oldish. Voice that could command a Norse god?

  • Scott Porter


Associated Words: Genuine fan. Enthusiastic. Good voice and body. Young. Range.

...nurghophiles...

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