Saturday, September 5, 2009

SFX Magazine's 50 Greatest Superheroes Poll

Billed as the Earth's greatest science fiction magazine, what SFX really proves is that the British have no more goddamned taste than the rest of us. I will be rude and piggy, so do gird your loins for homomisogynanglophobia.

  • 50: She-Hulk Whom I like, but not so sure about "top 50 like."
  • 49: Cyclops Who I never liked, but respect. Ish.
  • 48: Elektra Who has not been relevant since about 1989.
  • 47: Hawkman Who I still kind of like, but whom the continuity bugfuckery and constant alterations have damned near ruined. Some more.
  • 46: Iceman Who is fucking Iceman, the lamest Amazing Friend, because at least Firestar kept her snatch in the front.
  • 45: Midnighter Who is a queer bondage fiend Batman analogue/Warren Ellis Mary Sue.
  • 44: Colossus Who never had "it," but is an alright sort.
  • 43: Madrox Who has come a damned long way from the Fallen Angels, let me tell you.
  • 42: Northstar a.k.a. gay Namor. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
  • 41: The Question Who was exemplary in every Vic Sage incarnation. The dyke doesn't do it for me, but at least she's representing, so even she rates inclusion.
  • 40: Emma Frost Wow, a generic femme fatale with a common mutie power. Here's a fuck you from me to Morrison.
  • 39: Marvelman/Miracleman: Yeah, okay. You guys are limeys. I get that.
  • 38: Scarlet Witch is a fucking mess. When she isn't a whiny, indecisive tittybaby she's a crazy murderous bitch. But hey, she's still twice as useful as Zatanna in most situations.
  • 37: Spawn Look, he's an African-American super-hero whose sold millions of comics, is owned by his creator, with an enormous toy line, a cartoon, and a movie. Please forgive the spikes, chains, guns, and maudlin wheel spinning.
  • 36: The Punisher Who is Mack Bolan in drag, but fuck it. He's O.G.
  • 35: The Spirit Who I try to regard, but it never quite comes.
  • 34: The Silver Surfer Who works much better as an icon than a character, but at least that's happening.
  • 33: Captain America Who is too low, because he was socking Hitler in the yap while you ungrateful snaggletoothed motherfuckers were sucking on jerry bombs.
  • 32: V Because once again, you people eat blood pudding.
  • 31: Doctor Manhattan Who signals friggin' Rorschach is imminent. Get off Moore's jock, would you?
  • 30: Zenith Who needs to be re-reprinted, so I can make my own judgment.
  • 29: Doctor Strange Because he's the pimp, and you people just don't know.
  • 28: Morpheus Who is a fine storytelling device, but no great shakes as a character.
  • 27: The Tick Who is just Ambush Bug marketed correctly, but I shouldn't be hatin'.
  • 26: John Constantine Who really is the tits.
  • 25: The Thing Who is too high, but belongs hereabouts.
  • 24: The Vision Who is random as hell, but a'ight.
  • 23: Kitty Pryde My first comic book crush, so don't you say nothing about my sweetie.
  • 22: Hawkeye Who despite tons of effort on DC's part, is still a better character than Green Arrow.
  • 21: Rogue Who I never cared about, but I acknowledge her widespread appeal. Also, I'd love to spread Anna Paquin wide, so there's that.
  • 20: Rorschach I knew it! Eat more penis, you bloody bastards! You've already got the Question, prats!
  • 19: Nightcrawler Is in the top 20, because you don't know what hole to shit out of. I like Kurt, but he belongs in She-Hulk territory.
  • 18: Beast Mutie-loving commie liberal pinko sonsofbitches.
  • 17: Gambit I'm going to blow everyone's mind and confess I still kind of think Gambit is okay, and doesn't deserve all the shit thrown his way. Now move to the back of the bus, Cajun.
  • 16: Green Arrow You can't have two archers in the top 50, and since Ollie Queen stole his personality from Clint Barton, I tend to make mine Marvel. Also, Judd Winick never wrote Hawkeye.
  • 15: The Flash Who officially has the most boring super-power in my personal estimation. Written correctly, none should compare, which means he's never written correctly. Runsfastman FTL.
  • 14: Wonder Woman Speaking of poor writing... but I live the Amazing Amazon, inconsistencies and idiocies inclusive. Top 10 would have been nice.
  • 13: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Who never wowed me, and grates after the WW slight, but has earned her spot.
  • 12: Thor Who is a dude with a hammer, and excepting John Henry, that's always a torture scenario for me. Power by meh.
  • 11: Hellboy Who is basically the Thing fighting more monstrous monsters. It's all on Mignola.
  • 10: Hulk Who smashes, from what I understand.
  • 9: Daredevil For a poor man's Spider-Man, he's really done good over the years. A triumph of craft over concept, though his origin was always decent.
  • 8: Deadpool The single most creatively bankrupt character of all time. I burn with hatred for this idiot. I wish a hairy mole on all who voted for him.
  • 7: Captain Britain
  • BWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!! I don't care about Alans Moore and Davis, this guy was always our little prank on you people. I'm not current on the exchange rate-- how many pence exactly does it take to equal a clue?
  • 6: Green Lantern As a concept, and whilst on a career high, I'll begrudgingly accept this. In Hal Jordan's name? A raspberry, good sir!
  • 5: Iron Man
  • One of my best pal's favorites, and I love Robert Downey Jr. That's all I've got to give with this old heart of mine.
  • 4: Wolverine
  • One of my favorites... when I was 9. I grew up and out of my aggression issues. Could some more of you?
  • 3: Superman
  • Sometimes works for me, and is sometimes near the top of my shit list. I'm surprised he still plays so well across the pond.
  • 2: Spider-Man is someone I liked and got over before Wolverine. He's a classic, with wide appeal, which explains my apathy.
  • 1: Batman is to the British as David Hasselhoff is to the Germans-- they love him! The numbingly obvious choice.

My question: where is your national pride, UK? Judge Dredd? Strontium Dog? Dan Dare? Nemesis the Warlock? Marshal Law? Why hath you been forsaken?


mathematicscore said...

Regarding the Flash, for who the early 90's TV show bought a place in my heart, I wonder if you've read the elseworlds series Flashpoint. I've been meaning to bring it up at the Idol Head since it features a pretty cool take on the ol' Alien Atlas, both writing wise and art. That story is one of the better interpretations of Flashes powers, taking them awesomely cosmic instead of banal as hell.

Diabolu Frank said...

I skimmed Flashpoint years ago, and you're right, I vaguely recall some cool Manhunter material there. Did that ever hit trade paperback?

wiec? said...

a pretty bad list but i like what you did with it.

i also liked what you said in your closing i kept wondering when they were going to bring up Dredd too. or any of those guys from the 2000ad set for that matter. pretty shameful.

Joe Pinapples would rate higher in my book than say The Tick or Iceman.

mathematicscore said...

It appears Flashpoint, like most Breyfogle drawn awesomeness, never found it's way to trade. It's criminal really, since it's got silver age revisionism like The New Frontier, cosmic speed force psuedo science like Flash Rebirth/Final Crisis, and Tough guy detective Ralph Dinby like 52. All that and Martian cospiracy theories! DC editors are losers.


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