1968 Tootsie Roll's New-Exciting Swim Toy Ad

nurghophonic jukebox: "Phantom 309" by Red Sovine

Written By: Tommy Faile
Released: 1967
Single?: Hit #9 on Billboard's U.S. Country Chart

I was out on the West Coast, tryin' to make a buck And things didn't work out, I was down on my luck Got tired a-roamin' and bummin' around So I started thumbin' back East, toward my home town.

Made a lot of miles, the first two days And I figured I'd be home in week, if my luck held out this way But, the third night I got stranded, way out of town At a cold, lonely crossroads, rain was pourin' down.

I was hungry and freezin', done caught a chill When the lights of a big semi topped the hill Lord, I sure was glad to hear them air brakes come on And I climbed in that cab, where I knew it'd be warm.

At the wheel sit a big man, he weighed about two-ten He stuck out his hand and said with a grin "Big Joe's the name", I told him mine And he said: "The name of my rig is Phantom 309."

I asked him why he called his rig such a name He said: "Son, this old Mack can put 'em all to shame There ain't a driver, or a rig, a-runnin' any line Ain't seen nothin' but taillights from Phantom 309."

Well, we rode and talked the better part of the night When the lights of a truck stop came in sight He said: "I'm sorry son, this is as far as you go 'Cause, I gotta make a turn, just on up the road."

Well, he tossed me a dime as he pulled her in low And said: "Have yourself a cup on old Big Joe." When Joe and his rig roared out in the night In nothin' flat, he was clean out of sight.

Well, I went inside and ordered me a cup Told the waiter Big Joe was settin' me up Aw!, you coulda heard a pin drop, it got deathly quiet And the waiter's face turned kinda white.

Well, did I say something wrong? I said with a halfway grin He said: "Naw, this happens every now and then Ever' driver in here knows Big Joe But son, let me tell you what happened about ten years ago.

At the crossroads tonight, where you flagged him down There was a bus load of kids, comin' from town And they were right in the middle, when Big Joe topped the hill It could have been slaughter, but he turned his wheel.

Well, Joe lost control, went into a skid And gave his life to save that bunch-a kids And there at that crossroads, was the end of the line For Big Joe and phantom 309

But, every now and then, some hiker'll come by And like you, Big Joe'll give 'em a ride Here, have another cup and forget about the dime Keep it as a souvenir, from Big Joe and Phantom 309!"

1990s The Keep Overpower CCG Captain America: Heroes Reborn Character Card

Back in the '90s when I played the Overpower collectible card game, there was a little grassroots fan organization called "The Keep" that created their own cards. Since Marvel's Overpower card art was mangled by shitty CGI pissass early on, and further befouled by plain amateurish crap line art later, The Keep felt compelled to offer their own mocked-up cards to ease the pain. Sometimes, they just applied the official stats to art that didn't look like it could give you a bacterial infection, but often they offered variations and entire characters Fleer turned a blind eye to. Like Fleer, the Keep skewed heavily Marvel, so no one ever offered me a Blue Devil Character Card, I'm afraid. I can't find any trace of them on the internet today, and their domain is no longer registered. I figured, might as well throw this neat little Cap card I was given lo those many years ago.

The official Captain America Character Card had the Sentinel of Liberty looking like he'd just caught the Falcon, Nomad and D-Man in a heavily marinated salad toss, so let's all give a round of applause to Jim Lee's take here. The revised stats were based on the year long Heroes Reborn alternate universe event where former Image creators offered their take on classic, and more importantly, then-under-performing Marvel heroes. Throwing a shield was only worth an Energy rating of 2 on both cards, and Fighting remained at the maximum score of 8. The big difference is that his Strength rose a point, and his Intellect dropped one. Seeing as Rob Liefeld initially reworked this Cap, its a wonder his I.Q. held as well as it did.

Understanding "Emanuelle in America" (Part 1)

Make no mistake, the primary goal of Emanuelle in America is to be sleazy soft/hardcore porn, depending on which cut you see. However, I strongly suspect historically awful filmmaker Aristide Massaccesi, more widely maligned as Joe D'Amato, was actually trying to mingle art and social commentary into his typical genre-goulash. Right off the bat, these are hedonistic Italians setting their gonzo romp in the puritanical United States. Besides, D'Amato had three writers on this instead of hacking out something on his own, so he must have taken it seriously. Indulge me...

The very first image is of the Roosevelt Island sky tram, then of Emanuelle inside, taking in the view like an angel surveying Sodom as she descends into the mire. The name Emanuelle is a feminine derivative of the Biblical Emmanuel, meaning "God is with us."Emanuelle as always represents the sexually empowered female, yet she next strides uneasily past the neon lights of a peep show. Emanuelle walks the streets of New York City in a stylish and stark white suit. Perhaps the white represents her unadulterated, enlightened being, and the cut her sophistication. She is juxtaposed against the gray, grimy city of hustlers and eccentrics. Emanuelle struts down a busy street, surrounded by skyscrapers like randy cocks on the boulevard.

Scenes are intercut of Emanuelle in her achromatic studio, taking photographs of beautiful, liberated nude women astride a black motorcycle. The decor is provocative, artistically interpreting the female form through fruits and ornamentation. Emanuelle is the beholder, capturing the world through her lens, and adjusting the lighting as needed. When the film finally settles in at the studio, we see it through the eyes of a voyeur glancing in on Emanuelle's Heaven, but our line of sight is entombed by an ebon border.

We next see a fellow named Howie looking at himself in the mirror, then bidding the girls adieu. How is Howie? He seems fine, and represents a healthy, good-natured homosexuality. However, even though Howie clearly has a place in Emanuelle Heaven, that role must be denied in the eyes of America, and he vanishes.

Emanuelle talks with the models as they dress, balancing their obvious objectification with their Earthly reality. One model is named Jane, a feminine derivative of the most common male name in Christiandom, John. Jane mentions her John, or rather Tony, her new intellectual boyfriend who refuses to have sex. Everyone then exits Emanuelle Heaven for the city, and our heroine gets into her blue car, representing calm emotions, the sky, and even the Virgin Mary. She is almost immediately thereafter held at gunpoint by Jane's boyfriend. This is Tony, an abbreviated version of Anthony, as in the Catholic saint who founded Christian monasticism. Tony is a chaste religious nut who believes killing Emanuelle will somehow strike back against the pervasive and perverse sexuality of the 1970s. Like many Americans, Tony believes his conviction will prove his righteousness to the entire world, regardless of his means. Tony barely acknowledges the rule of law, assuming he will be judged innocent of any crime through the truth in his actions.

Emanuelle tries to be reasonable, offering her money and car, to no avail. While the beau rants, Emanuelle plays with his mind and his tallywacker, until he doesn't know whether he's coming or going. The entire time, Emanuelle is behind the wheel of a big American automobile, symbol of the emancipation of Yankees from the farm and the flock to urban life. The gunman leaves his pistol behind as he runs from the sexual responsibility Emanuelle and the car represent. Through her worldliness, Emanuelle has taken Tony's surrogate penis, never fired, and initiated him in the use of his actual member. It's worth noting that "Anthony" was once routinely confused with the Greek word for "flower."

Besides representing America, Tony also raises the subtext of Emanuelle's symbolic nature to text and offers his interpretation for dispute amongst the audience. Tony informs the viewer that Emanuelle is not just a lusty heroine, but an icon for the modern sexuality he views as evil. At the same time, Tony desires Janet, offering Emanuelle a look at a nude magazine cover of his ladylove rather than a wholesome wallet snapshot. Despite Tony's assertions of his piety, it was he who hopped into Emanuelle's "back seat," shoved his "pistol" in her face, and wasn't satisfied until Emanuelle broke down his facade. Tony represents the hypocrisy of the religious right, as he flaunts his second amendment rights and lusts in his heart. Tony's jacket is beige, representing his generic, common, Caucasian being. However, under the jacket is a black and white checkered shirt, revealing the struggle with polarity that grips his chest. Emanuelle is ethnic and exotic, with a worldview foreign to his own. She is draped in the whiteness Tony seeks, while his own hand clutches a black gun. While Tony is erratic and aggressive, Emanuelle is calm, and gently explains her and Jane's world like a priestess to a hesitant convert. Further, Tony recalls a memory associating his mother with an unnamed sexual act. This by extension associates his maternal love with Jane and Emanuelle, projecting his Oedipal confusion onto them. In the end, after receiving Emanuelle's kiss to his nether regions, Tony finally connects his emotions to his libido. He runs away until he can resolve this realization in his mind, but shouts "I love it!" Tony flowers, and turns his anger into a sexual love for women.

Emanuelle brings the discarded "pistol" to the favored man in her life, Bill. This can be explained through the entomology of Bill's name. Derived from the Germanic "Wilhelm," the first syllable means "will" or "desire," the second "helmet," or "protection." Clearly Bill is insecure in his masculinity, and desires a surrogate cock of his own with which to protect Emanuelle. This is represented visually by Bill's awkwardly receded hairline, his "helmet" proving inadequate. Emanuelle has no penis envy, and encourages Bill to work out his own through the "pistol" as he sees fit, mostly through posturing. Emanuelle wanders their apartment topless, and expresses her disgust at the experience, offering Bill guidance to accept his own "helmet." Yet, she recognizes Bill's developmental issues, and through her expressed forgiveness and best wishes for Tony unobtrusively extends the same grace to Bill.

Bill wears blue jeans and a shirt buttoned down to his navel, mimicking Emanuelle car and fashion while betraying his crude Western understanding. His entire apartment is colored green, alluding both to the natural life in him that attracts Emanuelle, as well as his childish naivete and jealousy. There are books and artwork along the walls, but these are affectations. More prominent is his bar, displaying the type of fixation with alcohol found in adolescents, confusing the trappings of maturity with its actualization. This is made all the more obvious when his coffee table, which looks and functions like a pack of Marlboro cigarettes, proves to also function as a bar. It is his racing car-shaped bed, and the dazzle of consumer culture.

Emanuelle laments her relationship with Bill, an endless cycle of trysts and underdeveloped affection. Bill makes mention of marriage, but Emanuelle makes jest of it, salvaging his self-esteem with platitudes about personal freedom while recognizing her absence of desire to commit matrimony with a man-child. Bill jokingly threatens to shoot himself in the head, an unsubtle reference to masturbation should Emanuelle refuse him. Emanuelle accepts the circumstances of her relationship with Bill, and submits to his sexual needs, but not without first asserting herself as a responsible adult by rescheduling an appointment on the phone. Bill is giddily enthusiastic, while Emanuelle, even nude, is matronly.

A Frank Review of "Star Trek" (2009)

The Short Version? Ultimate All-Star Trek
What Is It? Action Comedy.
Who Is In It? PYTs.
Should I See It? Yes.



Like most children of my generation, I was a Star Wars fan. I saw every movie on the big screen, followed the silly television spin-offs, owned scads of action figures, and just really wanted to have a lightsaber duel whenever the opportunity presented itself. My enthusiasm led me to the wealth of rip-offs, and I'm still proud to say my mother wasted good money on the theatrical run of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century before it went straight to television a few months after release. It therefore stands to reason then that I would naturally gravitate toward the considerably less kid-friendly Star Trek.

While I may have gone to sleep on Star Wars after the heroes rescued the Princess and escaped the Death Star (not fully understanding why they had bothered, beyond that's what you did for pretty ladies,) I was unconscious in my seat at Star Trek: The Motion Picture not long after the Enterprise left port. In fact, I have yet to stay awake for the running time of that film after multiple attempts, one within the last five years. I don't recall if I saw Khan at the cinema, and never followed the syndicated reruns of the original series very closely. It wasn't until The Search For Spock that my brain had developed sufficiently to begin appreciating what the franchise had to offer... Which isn't to say it's all been wine and roses since, as I've hated every Trek pilot episode except The Cage at first blush, and only warmed to a couple of the television series thereafter (TNG and DS9, if you're curious.) All of this is to say that I'm not exactly a devout Trekkie, and I recognize that there was nowhere to go but up after the last Trek movies and series failed to generate the interest of even the faithful.

As with Star Wars, Trek has sought new life and new marketability through prequels casting pretty young things in familiar roles. However, Wars and Trek have officially swapped identities in this pursuit. Star Wars became overly enamored with its own dense continuity, suffocating on minutiae and drained of all life through stiff acting and general pomposity. Worse, Wars tried to forget its fantasy roots and focus more on hard science and politics, little realizing it lacked the structural integrity and intellect to in any way work under those terms. Star Trek has in turn shed quite a few I.Q. points and heaps of baggage to become a pretty, fast paced action vehicle. Once again, I'm reminded of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, never really science fiction nor fantasy so much as a tongue-in-cheek lark allowing sexy people to be athletic in tight uniforms, and if Star Trek's new trajectory is similar, I can live with that.

The new Star Trek is at its best when it follows its predecessors less dogmatically than intuitively, and this is most true in the casting of Chris Pine as Jim Kirk. No one could ever compare to the sublime badness of William Shatner in the role, so Pine is wise enough to steer his performance as far from Shat's territory as possible. Pine instead embodies everything you would expect from a character like Kirk; the swagger, the physicality, the sex appeal; but takes it off the page instead of taking cues from another actor. In a more perfect world, Pine would have his own character and ship to avoid comparisons, but as it is his portrayal of Kirk transforms him into a James Bond, where you can now imagine a variety of actors all offering their own debatable takes on a more malleable character than existed before.

On the other end of the spectrum is Karl Urban as "Bones," who turns in an affectionate DeForest Kelly impersonation. Urban is the comfort food for Trekkies not entirely comfortable with all the changes wrought by this chapter in the saga, but he's also the most artificial and plainly out of place component in the venture. "Bones" figures heavily into the early going as expected, but it seems like as the movie's confidence in itself increases, the torch is passed to the less faithfully interpreted crew members. Unless this take on Bones is reconsidered, I expect the dynamic will continue to shift away from the once central character in future installments.

Falling somewhere in the middle is Zachary Quinto as Spock, who lacks the trademark voice and bearing of Leonard Nimoy. The scripted take on Spock is an intense departure from what has come before, but Quinto seems so intent on downplaying everything and offering a mild variation on Nimoy that he waters the effort down. Instead of taking an unusually conflicted and adversarial role amongst the crew, Spock comes off more like overbearing middle management. For me, Quinto was the most disappointingly off the mark, especially and ironically during a couple of emotional moments requiring him to emote toward a mark on the floor. It's so silly it gives me hope Quinto might some day be unintentionally bad enough to hold a candle to the Shat.

A true Trek geek might take exception to Christopher Pike going from a contemporary of Kirk to a father figure, but Bruce Greenwood is so inspiring in a modest amount of screen time, its easy to dismiss the issue. Uhura plays a more important role in this one picture than pretty much the entirety of the decades Nichelle Nichols played her, so its a good thing Zoe Saldana gives the character presence enough to more than hold her own. There's nothing wrong with John Cho's performance, but he's still just Harold with a ridiculous sword, while George Takei remains Sulu. Simon Pegg on the other hand so overwhelms any resistance to his being the new Scotty that I could see him taking Bones' place in the new Trek trinity. Pegg comes in under highly dubious story circumstances with an Ewok in tow, and just goes balls out from there to the point you forgive it all to have him on screen. Anton Yelchin is a cute Chekov, but a bit too forced as comic relief, so hopefully they'll pull back the accent next time out. Eric Bana doesn't have much to do as the main villain Nero, aside from looking terrible compared to Ricardo Montalban's Khan. There's nothing on the page to work with.

In the WTF cameo department is Tyler Perry as a Admiral Richard Barnett, but I didn't even notice that he wasn't a typical Trek bit player until it was pointed out to me, so there's no hint of Christian Slater there. A lot of attention was paid to early casting reports of Winona Ryder as Spock's mom, which in hindsight fairly reeks of stunt casting, since what little she's given to do could have been handled by anyone. Ben Cross is far more potent as Sarek, a fine replacement for the late Mark Lenard. Faran Tahir makes a strong impression with his brief screen time as Captain Robau. Rachel Nichols looks really good in green body paint.

The script is no gem, and it is not logical. There is time travel, the really not good kind. Your best bet is to recognize that this is all an alternate reality in a multiverse that co-exists with all previous Trek-- a little Valhalla for one original series character. We're treated to stock origin material featuring Kirk and Spock as kids right out of the Goonies for maximum audience identification. Nero is a terrible, boring villain whose entire role is a pastiche of Khan moments without embellishment. The hard science isn't-- soft and limp and plain dumb more often than not. Things happen because an action beat is called for or a reintroduced character needs a spotlight moment. Because of the lack of emotional and intellectual weight, the movie is forgiven a lot of its irreverence due to its irrelevance. This is Trek ^Lite, a popcorn movie with lots of CGI and gags, but after so much bad Trek proper, being entertaining alone is good enough. J.J. Abrams' direction is mostly solid, though he sometimes throws the camera around to make sure no one calls him out for static television staging. Awful Tony Scott fight scenes creep in, cut so that you can only just follow the action, an awkward fit with the smoother look overall. The cast and direction works more often than not though, shaking off the clunkier script elements, and earning good will toward the future.

DC Challenge #7 (May, 1986)

Previous issue writer Elliot S! Maggin moaned about how the confusion in earlier scripts was "multiplying exponentially issue to issue, so it was clear that it was time to bring some order to the chaos." He then went on and on about his love of Albert Einstein, who is not a copyrighted DC character, but who he had do away with all the other writers' subplots. "Paul, I effectively said, go forth and disassemble no more and you will be saved." He had imagined his Nazi story taking precedence, with Jimmy and Adam joining underground resistors like Ollie Queen, Uncle Sam and Perry White. Maggin then complained his follow-up writer didn't ignore the efforts made in previous issues to concoct an admittedly convoluted story by dismissing and hijacking it with one tale of his own devising, as he had done. Maggin wasted two columns of the letters section to defend his hack job, and another half went to his bio. At least he rightly called out Batman's otherworldly rescue being unnecessary.

• The Joker disregarded the Einstein "resolution" of last issue, reinstating the alien invasion, Aquaman and Zatanna's desert doom, the conflict on Rann, and the heroes trapped in a "nasty dimension of holes!" He then recalled the complications of Batman's freefall and the Nazi conquest of the world. Rip Hunter, Time Master and Dr. Kemeny's medieval adventures with the Silent Knight were forgotten, as was Captain Comet



• "The United Nations Plaza, New York City, 1986:" Nazis had conquered the world, and captured the reality displaced Adam Strange and Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen. "Obviously, Jimmy, the alien spaceship our little fuzzy-haired friend sent back through time accidentally with the Blackhawks fell into German hands-- and they used it to turn the tide... and win the Second World War!" Jimmy struck out at a commandant, much to Adam's chagrin, but Strange pressed the attack anyhow. Adam and Jimmy then used Strange's jetpack to escape, claiming a Luger along the way. From a nearby window, the pair were spotted by the aged Fuhrer, who wanted them in his clutches immediately.



• Batman was still in the jungle, presumably due to Zeta Rays wearing off, but with no Hawkwoman in sight. A phony demonic Robin the Boy Wonder had dropped the Caped Crusader into an active volcano. Mr. Mxyzptlk appeared from the Fifth Dimension to turn the lava into rubber. The imp was looking for Superman with no luck, but was nice enough to return the Dark Knight to the Batcave. Alfred had contacted him to inform that the code from the first issue had been cracked by the Batcomputer. Mxyzptlk vanished, leaving Batman wondering how his magical powers still worked on Earth.



• Elsewhere on the Eastern Seaboard, Plastic Man and Woozy Winks were on the aliens' case. It seemed the pair were from yet another Earth in the Multiverse, but Woozy's curiosity at a time/space warp hole landed them in this story. Plas went off to investigate the aliens, leaving Woozy to fall through another warp hole...



• On the planet Rann, the effects of the Zeta Beams must have worn off, or maybe it was all Einstein, sending Hawkwoman, Captain Marvel and Dr. Fate off-world. Sardath fretted about his world's lack of heroes to face the horde of monsters still present. No new Zeta Beams would strike Earth for days, but Alanna had a plan. While the aliens siphoned away Earth's magical and scientific energies, the opposite effect hit on Rann, intensifying magic to the point of manifesting mythological creatures. Alanna studied an occult scroll, and directed Rannian flyers to effectively halt the horde through magic. Space Cabby happened by, answering a beacon set by Sardath, and took for him vital information to Earth.



• Aquaman and Zatanna were still trapped in the Sahara Desert, lying flat on their bellies, roasting under the sun. According to the Sea King, all Einstein had done was send them "...from one desert to another... somehow!" The enchantress had no water to offer. "M-magic gone... all of it... from Earth...!" Suddenly, the Fifth Dimensional imp Mr. Mxyzptlk appeared, as though a mirage. "Say, you folks look parched! Have a drink! Anyway... I thought I could have a few giggles with all the trouble going on-- but everything's so screwed up that nobody even notices my pranks! And just try to find Superman in all this...!" Aquaman thought the aliens might have killed the Man of Steel, which appalled Mr. Mxyzptlk so much he teleported after them. Sadly, he neglected to take the stranded, but at least now rehydrated, Detroit Leaguers with him. "...Now we've got a longer time to wait to die..."



• Woozy Winks landed in the Plane of Holes, still inhabited by Deadman, who launched into a stream of fat jokes. The Anti-Matter Man, Darwin Jones, Bobo the Detective Chimp and Dr. Terrence Thirteen, Ghostbreaker were long gone. Woozy stumbled through yet another warp hole, Deadman followed, and the pair landed in WWII Nazi-occupied France. The Blackhawks were in the skies above, first fighting the alien spaceship, then pretending to escort it to draw Nazi anti-aircraft battery fire against the ship. Woozy cowered in the bushes, claiming to be 4-F. Blackhawk himself took damage, knocking him unconscious and sending his plane in a dive right toward Deadman and Woozy



• Plastic Man slithered aboard an alien spacecraft, where he eavesdropped on Dr. Xhytg giving a report to "the master," as preparations were made to implement the final plan on Earth. However, an invader dropped heavy packages on the disguised Plas, revealing the hero's presence. The master then turned out to be the Joker, and "I've got every last hero on this planet twisted around like a pretzel with their own problems! By the time they get unwound... it'll be all over except for the coronation! Mine!



• "Don't Bogart That Grape... Hand Me The Gas Pump" was by Paul Kupperberg, Joe Staton and Steve Mitchell

July, 1991 Amazing Heroes #192 X-Men Cover

Not one of the better issues of the magazine of mainstream comics before Wizard ruined everything. The Jim Lee "Mutants Of The Year" cover was fantastic, as you can see, commemorating the release of X-Men #1 with separate milquetoast interviews of creators Lee and Chris Claremont. After that was a look at the uniformly bland !mpact Comics, Andy Mangels Backstage (spotlighting the unproduced Brigitte Nielsen She-Hulk movie,) Heidi Macdonald's look at the Harvey Awards, and oodles of reviews and solicitation copy.

There was a fun piece from Adam-Troy Castro's Infernal Gall column questioning the wisdom of various comic book movie options. One of a series of "The Reverse Casting Game," the writer poo-pooed the Silver Surfer and Galactus (the former turned out not so bad in the Fantastic Four sequel,) Archie, the Simpsons, Werewolf By Night, Any Super-Team (about half right,) Elektra: Assassin, Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., Who's Who In the DC Universe (direct-to-video Robin Leach documentary,) David Lynch's The Angriest Dog In The World, and finally, Nancy and Sluggo. So clearly, this was written back in that lost time when comics and newspaper strips were still covered as interchangeable. Also, when people read newspapers at all.

Anyway, wasn't that cover fantastic? Just fantastic? I like the coy, concealed Rogue best, while Beast is just sort of there. Wolverine before microphones predicted the success of Hugh Jackman's portrayal, while the short-lived flirtation between Cyclops and the barely restrained cleavage of Psylocke dates the piece. Meanwhile, $3.95? When Jim Lee was arguing the relative merits of comics formatted for $1-1.75? No wonder the full color Wizard killed this mag.