T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents: Introduction "First Encounter!" (November, 1965)

A team of special United Nations agents parachuted toward a remote mountain location, only to face enemy fire from within the compromised lab of Professor Jennings. The enemy fell back and escaped in a helicopter, leaving the body of Jennings, who "looks like he put up quite a struggle..." An agent cursed, "We shouldn't have let him work alone! The greatest mind in the free world!"

This was clearly the work of the mysterious "Warlord," whose evil forces were active throughout the globe. "We first heard of him two years ago, when an attempt was made to steal the newest atomic engine!" From one of his captured men, they learned Warlord had "recruited every available criminal and spy," and was "out to steal every scientific development he can!" Even within his organization, the Warlord was an enigma to all but his top lieutenants.

The Warlord's men had made off with the professor's inventions, for which no notes were kept and no duplicates could be produced. "They didn't have time to get everything, sir! Look at these!" The prototype models were taken to The Higher United Nations Defense Enforcement Reserves secret headquarters, though even there many could not be deciphered. However, a few were successfully analyzed...

1. "An electron molecular intensifier belt which will make the wearer's body structure change to the consistency of steel!"
2. "A light polarizer material which is completely non-reflecting... in effect, an invisibility cloak!"
3. "A cybernetic helmet... It could be dangerous, but it could amplify a man's brain power many times over..."
   

More remained to be examined, but for now these three combined could create a "one-man army," but "if he were captured, we'd lose all of them!" Instead, they would "find and train at least three special agents... the best!" After all, "They'll have to be the best to cope with the Warlord!"

...And so the search begins...

This story, originally published in Tower Comics' T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1, was by Len Brown & Wally Wood.

Nick Fury, Black Widow and La Contessa Valentina Allegra de Fontaine by Paul Gulacy

Click To Enlarge


Paul Gulacy loves the spy girls. Don't we all?

Daredevil and Black Widow by Paul Gulacy

I found this Paul Gulacy piece online not so long ago, probably at Comic Art Fans, but now I can't find that larger image. Just in case it's escaped the internet, here you go!

SFX Magazine's 50 Greatest Superheroes Poll

Billed as the Earth's greatest science fiction magazine, what SFX really proves is that the British have no more goddamned taste than the rest of us. I will be rude and piggy, so do gird your loins for homomisogynanglophobia.

• 50: She-Hulk Whom I like, but not so sure about "top 50 like."
• 49: Cyclops Who I never liked, but respect. Ish.
• 48: Elektra Who has not been relevant since about 1989.
• 47: Hawkman Who I still kind of like, but whom the continuity bugfuckery and constant alterations have damned near ruined. Some more.
• 46: Iceman Who is fucking Iceman, the lamest Amazing Friend, because at least Firestar kept her snatch in the front.
• 45: Midnighter Who is a queer bondage fiend Batman analogue/Warren Ellis Mary Sue.
• 44: Colossus Who never had "it," but is an alright sort.
• 43: Madrox Who has come a damned long way from the Fallen Angels, let me tell you.
• 42: Northstar a.k.a. gay Namor. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
• 41: The Question Who was exemplary in every Vic Sage incarnation. The dyke doesn't do it for me, but at least she's representing, so even she rates inclusion.
• 40: Emma Frost Wow, a generic femme fatale with a common mutie power. Here's a fuck you from me to Morrison.
• 39: Marvelman/Miracleman: Yeah, okay. You guys are limeys. I get that.
• 38: Scarlet Witch is a fucking mess. When she isn't a whiny, indecisive tittybaby she's a crazy murderous bitch. But hey, she's still twice as useful as Zatanna in most situations.
• 37: Spawn Look, he's an African-American super-hero whose sold millions of comics, is owned by his creator, with an enormous toy line, a cartoon, and a movie. Please forgive the spikes, chains, guns, and maudlin wheel spinning.
• 36: The Punisher Who is Mack Bolan in drag, but fuck it. He's O.G.
• 35: The Spirit Who I try to regard, but it never quite comes.
• 34: The Silver Surfer Who works much better as an icon than a character, but at least that's happening.
• 33: Captain America Who is too low, because he was socking Hitler in the yap while you ungrateful snaggletoothed motherfuckers were sucking on jerry bombs.
• 32: V Because once again, you people eat blood pudding.
• 31: Doctor Manhattan Who signals friggin' Rorschach is imminent. Get off Moore's jock, would you?
• 30: Zenith Who needs to be re-reprinted, so I can make my own judgment.
• 29: Doctor Strange Because he's the pimp, and you people just don't know.
• 28: Morpheus Who is a fine storytelling device, but no great shakes as a character.
• 27: The Tick Who is just Ambush Bug marketed correctly, but I shouldn't be hatin'.
• 26: John Constantine Who really is the tits.
• 25: The Thing Who is too high, but belongs hereabouts.
• 24: The Vision Who is random as hell, but a'ight.
• 23: Kitty Pryde My first comic book crush, so don't you say nothing about my sweetie.
• 22: Hawkeye Who despite tons of effort on DC's part, is still a better character than Green Arrow.
• 21: Rogue Who I never cared about, but I acknowledge her widespread appeal. Also, I'd love to spread Anna Paquin wide, so there's that.
• 20: Rorschach I knew it! Eat more penis, you bloody bastards! You've already got the Question, prats!
• 19: Nightcrawler Is in the top 20, because you don't know what hole to shit out of. I like Kurt, but he belongs in She-Hulk territory.
• 18: Beast Mutie-loving commie liberal pinko sonsofbitches.
• 17: Gambit I'm going to blow everyone's mind and confess I still kind of think Gambit is okay, and doesn't deserve all the shit thrown his way. Now move to the back of the bus, Cajun.
• 16: Green Arrow You can't have two archers in the top 50, and since Ollie Queen stole his personality from Clint Barton, I tend to make mine Marvel. Also, Judd Winick never wrote Hawkeye.
• 15: The Flash Who officially has the most boring super-power in my personal estimation. Written correctly, none should compare, which means he's never written correctly. Runsfastman FTL.
• 14: Wonder Woman Speaking of poor writing... but I live the Amazing Amazon, inconsistencies and idiocies inclusive. Top 10 would have been nice.
• 13: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Who never wowed me, and grates after the WW slight, but has earned her spot.
• 12: Thor Who is a dude with a hammer, and excepting John Henry, that's always a torture scenario for me. Power by meh.
• 11: Hellboy Who is basically the Thing fighting more monstrous monsters. It's all on Mignola.
• 10: Hulk Who smashes, from what I understand.
• 9: Daredevil For a poor man's Spider-Man, he's really done good over the years. A triumph of craft over concept, though his origin was always decent.
• 8: Deadpool The single most creatively bankrupt character of all time. I burn with hatred for this idiot. I wish a hairy mole on all who voted for him.
• 7: Captain Britain
BWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!! I don't care about Alans Moore and Davis, this guy was always our little prank on you people. I'm not current on the exchange rate-- how many pence exactly does it take to equal a clue?
• 6: Green Lantern As a concept, and whilst on a career high, I'll begrudgingly accept this. In Hal Jordan's name? A raspberry, good sir!
• 5: Iron Man
One of my best pal's favorites, and I love Robert Downey Jr. That's all I've got to give with this old heart of mine.
• 4: Wolverine
One of my favorites... when I was 9. I grew up and out of my aggression issues. Could some more of you?
• 3: Superman
Sometimes works for me, and is sometimes near the top of my shit list. I'm surprised he still plays so well across the pond.
• 2: Spider-Man is someone I liked and got over before Wolverine. He's a classic, with wide appeal, which explains my apathy.
• 1: Batman is to the British as David Hasselhoff is to the Germans-- they love him! The numbingly obvious choice.

My question: where is your national pride, UK? Judge Dredd? Strontium Dog? Dan Dare? Nemesis the Warlock? Marshal Law? Why hath you been forsaken?

A Frank Review of "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre" (1974)

The Short Version? Teens in bellbottoms killed and eaten.
What Is It? Slasher Horror
Who Is In It? Nobody famous.
Should I See It? Yes.



I was a scaredy-cat growing up, but I took my slow but steady 'tween initiation into horror movies seriously. Based on its reputation and grisly iconography, I knew The Texas Chain Saw Massacre was a must see, but played it safe by watching it edited for television on a Houston station. It was my first experience in recognizing that there was a huge difference between perception and reality. I then found the movie plodding and mostly bloodless. A sequence toward the end where an old man just this side of the grave impotently but persistently tries to bash a girl's brains in actually had me chuckling like a little deviant. I later discovered its sequel, and came to look upon the whole series as mere black comedy. As I eventually saw the third and fourth sequels, well after their release to video, I learned that the series was mostly just plain bad. The 2003 remake didn't help terribly much, but at least it was reasonably entertaining, not to mention competent and comprehensible.

To my shame, I was in fact at a Wall*Mart this weekend, and found Dark Sky Films' 2-Disc Ultimate Edition of 1974's The Texas Chain Saw Massacre on sale for just $5, yet still briefly deliberated. My initial interest was due to owning the much loved Part 2, but I long ago learned that kind of completist mentality comes to no good. Instead, I was sold on the aluminum casing, and the extra disc devoted to special features. For the record, the deleted scenes/outtakes are a complete waste of time, with the blooper reel not much better. Both commentary tracks were dull and repeated the same anecdotes as the included documentaries Texas Chain Saw Massacre: The Shocking Truth and Flesh Wounds: Seven Stories of the Saw. Then A Tour of the TCSM house with Gunnar Hansen commits the same sin, but at least extra footage from Shocking Truth yielded some gems.

Having matured, I can now appreciate the film's deliberate pacing, social context, and experimental influences. There is a surprising amount of tension sustained, considering there's only a handful of killings executed mostly within a ten minute span. The swift, brutal attacks lend unnerving legitimacy to the proceedings. It's only later, when one of cinema's first "final girls" is speed walking from imminent yet indefinitely postponed death that you feel the tropes traipsing. The acting is amateurish, but in that unpracticed sense that reinforces the docudrama feel of the "true" events. Post-pubescent, all the skintight clothing is certainly more appealing. The production design is strong where the script wavers, and the villains can certainly give you the creeps even after the credit crawl. For my part, the only lingering unease comes from a literal WiR.

All in all, I'm glad to own TCSM, if only because it reminded me my loaned copy of Part 2 was never returned, so I can now replace my bare bones edition for a double disc upgrade with a clear conscience in our recessed economy. I expect to revisit this first edition on occasional, and I certainly enjoy it more than some other overrated (Halloween) and dull (Friday the 13th) early entries in the genre. Besides, I'd like to work out how they managed stealth attacks with a chain saw. I have trouble starting a leafblower.

Special Features?

• Flesh Wounds: Seven Stories of the Saw (2006)
• Texas Chain Saw Massacre: The Shocking Truth (2000)
• Two redundant commentary tracks covering same ground as above.
• A dull tour of the modern day TCSM house with Gunnar Hansen.
• Worthless deleted scenes/outtakes/bloopers.
• Trailers, as well as TV and radio spots.
• The usual still gallery.
  

A Frank Review of "Flesh Wounds: Seven Stories of the Saw" (2006)

The Short Version? Mild doc on shock.
What Is It? Documentary.
Who Is In It? Cast and crew.
Should I See It? Probably Not.

Chapter Four: In Memorium


This is the second documentary on Dark Sky Films' 2-Disc Ultimate Edition of 1974's The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and appears to have been created for that presentation. It focuses on six side stories related to the film, with a brief memorial portion for deceased persons involved with the production. Unlike TCSM: The Shocking Truth, it feels like it was put together by professional documentarians rather than AV geeks. On the other hand, it's staid enough to run on PBS after Antiques Road Show, complete with folksy guitar and lots of lingering shots of rural settings. With exceptions, it covers the same ground as Shocking, only in greater and usually unnecessary depth. The seven chapters break down as follows:

1. Part One Chainsaw Cameraman: A discussion with cinematographer Daniel Pearl about his career. This fellow went on to direct major music videos for some of the biggest acts in the business, and returned to lens the TCSM remake for Marcus Nispel. A solid segment, though it establishes the static talking heads approach featured throughout the documentary.
2. Part Two This Old House: A tour of the domicile from the original film with the head of its fan club. It was a kit house ordered from Sears-Roebuck and delivered from Austin to Round Rock in the late 1800s by horse carriage. It was moved in pieces a hundred miles away to Kingston after the family that lived there moved out some time after TCSM was released. That's about all you need to know, unless you're an avid Bob Villa follower.
3. Part Three The Famous Mr. Ed: As in Edwin Neal, the undiagnosed schizophrenic who played the hitchhiker, and was absent from The Shocking Truth. Well, he's certainly animated, and thanks to voice acting has gotten more work than most anyone else associated with TCSM. It would have been nice to have seen him spread out over a full documentary though, as the concentrated blast here wears on the nerves.
4. Part Four In Memorium: For Franklin, the Cook, and the production designer.
5. Part Five The Good Doctor: Special effects artist for the grandfather and a local plastic surgeon W.E. Barnes. Once you've seen one of these heavily technical numbers, the layman has seen them all.
6. Part Six Frightmares & Wastelands: A kind look at the convention circuit.
7. Part Seven Life After Leatherface: Gunnar Hansen- Icelandic scholar, writer, documentarian, and interesting if somewhat pretentious guy.

All in all, a strictly okay show for the die hards only, and possibly their grandmothers.

A Frank Review of "Texas Chain Saw Massacre: The Shocking Truth" (2000)

The Short Version? Doc on shock.
What Is It? Documentary.
Who Is In It? Cast and crew.
Should I See It? Yes.

Part 1: Introduction (NSFW)


Blue Underground put together this recollection of the making and impact of Massacre in 2000, and it has since been released as part of Dark Sky Films' 2-Disc Ultimate Edition of the original picture. It's a pretty solid set of intercut interviews with most of the cast and creators behind the picture. It is in that area that Shocking earns its recommendation, as the subjects are especially candid, sometimes catty, and well worth your time. There are such curious, informative, amusing, and nauseating anecdotes that fans of the film will eat up, how could I not?

It is in the additional materials I find fault. Narrator Matthew Bell is plainly trying too hard to recreate John Larroquette's tone in reading the text scrawl from the original film, and his forced delivery grates where it appears. There's an attempt early on to create an historical context for the piece, with reference to the crimes of Ed Gein and a consideration of the trailblazing Night of the Living Dead. The doc then fails to acknowledge the influence of Psycho, the work of Herschell Gordon Lewis, nor any other obvious antecedents to Tobe Hooper's film besides Last House on the Left. Instead of the cultural critics, sociologists and noteworthy directors who often pop up in these types of documentaries, outside those involved in the original film, there's no one remotely noteworthy. A couple of horror directors of negligible films fawning is the closest the doc comes.

There's a lot of random period footage from Texas, in no clear way connected to the actual production, and some other awful stylized junk the doc director inflicts every once in a while. During a sequence detailing the longstanding ban of the film in the UK, wholly inappropriate footage of Nazi rallies and book burnings run. It's obnoxious.

So again, the interviews make this documentary, as the extras are more tumorous than of added value, but when weighed in the balance it is not found wanting. The whole documentary is available free on YouTube (well, as of this writing, anyway.) So long as it remains so, you can view it through the embedded screens below...

Part 2: Conception, Pre-Production, and Making (NSFW)


Part 3: Special Effects, Set Design, etc. (NSFW)


Part 4: The Dinner Scene and other painful shooting (NSFW)


Part 5: Post-Production, Distribution, Release, and the Mafia (NSFW)


Part 6: Reception & Sequels (NSFW)


Part 7 More Sequels, Sabotage and Conclusion (NSFW)