Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A Frank Review of "Teknolust" (2002)

The Short Version? Living computer viruses want love, cum.
What Is It? Science Fiction/Chick Flick
Who's In It? Tilda Swinton, Jeremy Davies, Karen Black
Should I See It? No.

Imagine the least insightful and most aimless feminist-skewing philosophical musings. Marry them to the slowest moving low-key foreign sci-fi, like the stuff the French and former Soviets inflicted on viewers during the Cold War. Season with generally lousy acting and a tone akin to a basic cable sitcom. Find yourself with a perfect recipe for wasting 85 minutes of your life.

Tilda Swinton plays 3 1/2 characters, the sort of exercise that compels good actresses to "prove" their talent in really crap flicks. They include the scientist Rosetta Stone and her "Self Replicating Automatons," named Ruby, Marinne and Olive. They are essentially a cross between clones and a computer virus, each color coordinated. They live off sperm, but since the movie is pure saltpeter, don't expect anything approaching arousal. That would imply a discernible level of interest, where this movie could induce bradycardial issues. It takes the Species series semi-seriously, then gives it to a pedestrian director whose idea of vision is public access-quality effects. Jeremy Davies appears as the sweet-natured weirdo, because if Jeremy Davies appears in a movie, it is as a sweet-natured weirdo. It's as predictable as the sun rising in the east, Christopher Walken dancing, Jim Carrey mugging and Crispin Glover creeping you the fuck out.

I bought this DVD at a moving day garage sale for two dollars. I hope the sellers' U-Haul got a flat.

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