Saturday, August 9, 2008

Ask's Top 99 Women 2007 Edition 100-50

49) Maria Sharapova: I'm getting "Dinosaurs" flashbacks. "Not the Anna! Not the Anna!"

48) Nelly Furtado: Mommy hips work well for her. Shame she decided to trade in respectable hip-hop/folkie status to be a "Promiscuous Girl," but I suppose she can pul, that off, as well. At least she's not a Pussycat Doll.

47) Lucy Liu: Yes! I'd written her off when she didn't return to her rank in the 90's, but I guess I'm not the only one her found just too adorable in "Lucky Number Slevin" to pass up. Maybe now she'll stop taking every "Dragon Lady" role that comes down the pike.

46) Melissa Theuriau: Wow, an attractive, young foreign news anchor. I'm not familiar, but she doesn't seem to be a bim. Maybe there's hope for the hot Indian girl from World News Now next year.

45) Eva Mendes: Pulling this far ahead of Rosario Dawson reminds me that most men are stupid heads and gay faggots. Here's Rosario, this gorgeous, volumptuous, down to earth, singular, womanly woman-- and these closet cases go with this plastic stick fake-tanned Barbie Internationale. Queer as folk. Way gross.

44) Josie Maran: Her biggest role remains as the not-quite-nude vampire harpy from "Van Helsing," in which she was upstaged by Kate Beckinsale's pants. I have nothing more to add.

43) Rachel Bilson: The only actual "hot one" on the O.C., as show I've never watched for more than five minutes. Seems like she's trying to be a modern Diane Keaton, first pretending to settle for Seth Cohen, then choking down vomit while make-believe kissing Zach Braff. Oh yeah, I could rip apart a top 99 guys list, too. That's what Seth Cohen gets from dumping Lane Kim on "Gilmore Girls." Look what she ended up marrying because of him. Poor Lane!

42) Sofia Vergara: She was in a National Lampoon movie filmed after 1985. That's all I've got to say about that.

41) Caterina Murino: The thing that really sets AskMen apart from the Maxims and FHMs is that they cast their eye internationally for women of dubious talent with nothing to offer but their toned body and youth. That and fashion sense are all that really seperates the frat boys from the James Bonds.

40) Aishwarya Rai: Isn't she supposed to be the hottest and most famous actress in all of Bollywood? I was prepared to lambast this column for ethnic insensitivity, but then I started looking at the pictures. Since when do Indians look like Mexican soap opera actresses? Who take their make-up tips from whoever drew those "abs" on Mariah Carey's gut?

39) Katherine Heigle: I know intellectually that's she's an attractive woman and a solid actress, but something misfires in my brain and reads her as "man." I acknowledge this as a wholly personal problem on my part, so let's move on. Wait, let me remember how dreamy the brunette was on "Roswell" again. Okay, now we can move on.

38) Molly Sims: Another one of those names that pop up on these lists that mean nothing to me. Maybe I need to start buying the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and "be a guy." No, I think not.

37) Elsa Benitez: Model? Check. Sports Illustrated? Check. Disinterest on my part? Check.

36) Penelope Cruz: My disputed second favorite Latina of all time! I know some of you out there think she's a dog. Literally, one of those little pug dogs. Well screw you guys! I'd hump her leg. How do you like that image? Nice, huh? Just so this isn't entirely about me discussing things that horrify you, let me also point out Cruz's delectable accent, her beautiful smile, and her nose. I have a thing for noses. Now you know.

35) Christina Aguilera: You're tearing me apart! On the one hand, there's the infamous "clown whore make-up," the nipple rings, the whole drr-ty phase, and come to think of it, the days of bleach blonde "I'm latina--yo quiro taco bell--see!" On the other hand, she took up the vocal gymnastics torch when Whitney Houston faltered, she's got good taste in songs and collaborators, plus the 40's retro thing is working at almost as well for her as Gwen. I would ask that she go back to some shade of brunette, and that her new husband hide the tan-in-a-can from her, however.

34) Gong Li: Still gorgeous, and I won't even make a lewd T.Rex/Power Station reference.

33) Kelly Brook: A model, best known for the actors she's slept with. Did I already mention that Rosario Dawson didn't break the top 60, and that they should Ask Men if they're gay, first?

32) Salma Hayek: Is forty years old. Is still lovelier than you, me, and most of this list put together. My favorite Latin import, who also seems to be a genuine person. I've said it many times before, but it's worth repeating-- I'd sever a digit for just one night.

31) Roselyn Sanchez: Outranked Salma last year as well, but by a five point margin. I'd say you queer homos were wising up, but both ladies dropped out of the top thirty this year. Can't wait to see the jailbait bimbos who replaced them in the next installment...

30) Evangeline Lilly: She's on "Lost." I stopped watching television over four years ago, so that doesn't mean anything to me beyond "you suckers fell for another endless J.J. Abrams serial?" On the other hand, she isn't ugly, and her name sounds like it came straight from a 70's grindhouse flick like "I Spit On Your Grave."

29) Emmanueelle Chriqui: I don't know her from Eve, but she's pretty and her bio isn't horrendous. Plus, she's Canadian. They're so polite.

28) Christine Dolce: Oh good, I was starting to wonder if this was going to become the "nice" blog of the series. I think they airbrushed the tattoo "Lot Lizard" from underneath her undeniably fake breasts. The article keeps referring to her fashion line as "sexy goth." For my money, nothing quite says "sexy" like wearing your make-up like an Anthony Siddaris heroine, and nothing is quite so "goth" as a bottle blonde. Entering the world of haute couture with an assumed name so obvious must be where her air of "class" comes from. Emphasis on "ass," and I assure you, that is to be taken entirely in the figurative sense. She is a white model, after all.

27) Petra Nemcova: A model who's boyfriend was killed in a tsunami that broke a bad percentage of her body. I'm so not touching this one.

26) Tyra Banks: I'm one of those bad men who, despite knowing that she's probably one of the worst human beings on earth, still has the hots for Naomi Campbell. This puts me in an awkward position when discussing her former nemesis, Tyra Banks. I lost interest in Tyra sometime after she became famous for her Victoria's Secret modeling and before she started badgering similiarly-named porn stars via talk show and going all Tom Cruise over bejeweled Vasoline. However, there's been a lot of heated discussion in the press over her surprising weight gain and general Oprah-fication. Let me just say, as a gesture of respect and an affermation of her continued desirability, I'd still "do" her.

25) Brooke Burke: She's okay. I'm not interested in her, and she seems fake to me, but she doesn't bother me, either.

24) Charlize Theron: Ever known someone who's officially attractive, whom you have respect for and can see as being aesthetically pleasing, but there's nothing going on below the waist? Charlize Theron. She's very much like Nicole Kidman, including the veritable stink of celebrity ambition, but I just don't feel it. You go ahead though. I commend you on your attraction. I'd also like to say, to date, I've found her accents very authentic. She's an outstanding actress at times. In fact, she semingly morphs without prosthetics. Sometimes she outriccis Ricci with her grey alien brow and Mark Ryden eyes, and it frightens me sometimes deep in my heart and guts.

23) Eva Green: Oh, yes. Beautiful ugly. In some pictures, she looks like one of the most stunning and sexually mature females on the planet. In others, she's a goofy looking woman-child with odd hound dog eyes, bad hair, an overly toothy smile and freckles everywhere. Unlike Mischa Barton however, the effect is more endearing than objectionable. Also, Mischa Barton has never looked stunning or sexual. Anyway, Green just missed my "meet" list of head shots based on pure desirability, but missed because despite her overwhelming squeezability I'd only really seen "The Dreamers," an otherwise lousy movie. The only other film I've seen is "Casino Royale," which should win a technical Oscar just for managing to mop up the juice from the lusty appeal she's constantly dripping so as not to overwhelm the movie with her pheremones. They must have shot in digital, because she's so sultry as to ruin film stock within a twenty foot radius. Yet, she's humanized by, quite often, looking freakishly maniacal, like a Batman villain from a lost Tim Burton sequal. Version 2.0, I suppose.

22) Natalie Portman: There's a scene in "Leon" where an eleven year old Portman tries to talk Jean Reno into busting her cherry. I will never recover from that trauma. I have to abstain from accepting "desirable" as an applicable term in the case, even if it was 13 years ago.

21) Jessica Simpson: With each passing day, she comes that much closer to being my anti-ideal for womanhood. Now that Anna Nicole Smith is no longer with us, a sucessor must arise to claim her crown.

20) Rihanna: Isn't "Unfaithful" the song where the tone deaf vocalist drones "I don't want to be...a murderer?" Except in the case of butchering songcraft, she means, as that hit was preceeded by a repurposing of Soft Cell's hallowed "Tainted Love" for the Beyonce Lite of "S.O.S. (Rescue Me.) She's possessed of the glamour of youth, which will fade like her career.

19) Keeley Hazell: She's a Page 3 girl who works on her abs and has a slight tan. The British get it up easier than we do, it seems.

18) Monica Belluci: is 43 years old, looks her age, and is still hot enough that I expect Jesus had a wood under his robe even after the crucifixtion. You'd think with the blood loss from the scourging, but nope, still hard. Who would Jesus do? Monica Belluci.

17) Eva Longoria: Freed from the brainwashing of network television, I can plainly see that this "woman" escaped from the same lab on the Island of Dr. Moreau that conceived the Olsen clo-- "twins." Without airbrushing, she looks like an exotic pet bred to sit on the lap of a celebutante.

16) Kate Beckinsale: I've seen her in a few movies now, and my feeling is she is a nexus of Bizarro charm. You remember Bizarro, the Superman villain from a world where bad was good and up was down? Right, so Kate, to me, makes people with her vicinity less charming. I loved Hugh Jackman in "The Fountain," he was great as Wolverine, but Van Helsing? An asshat. John Cuzack, one of my favorite actors, rendered completely impotent anti-charm in "Serendipity." Piven managed to escape thanks to a lack of scenes with Kate. We should all be so lucky. She makes me long for an Elizabeth Hurley career revival, or even Keeley Hazell.

15) Rachel McAdams: Which perhaps makes her the anti-Beckinsale. Technically, I think the only movie I've seen McAdams in was "Mean Girls," but I've wanted to see, like, all of them. Even "The Notebook." Especially "The Notebook." What the hell? Dating McAdams must be like hooking up with Mystique from the X-Men movies. I've confused her with Milla Jovovich, Jennifer Garner, Amanda Peet, but was like wait-- Amanda Peet isn't hot. Oh, that's because Rachel McAdams is morphing again. Appropriately, one of the pictures of her on the site resembles Rebecca Romijn.

14) Gisele Bundchen: I liked her in "The Beach." That was her, right? Like, seven years ago? In Leo's follow-up to "Titanic." Tilda Swinton looked good in that. Wherev was I? Oh yeah, number thirteen...

13) Heidi Klum: She breeded with Seal. That's got to be worth some serious karma. Never did anything for me, though.

12) Marisa Miller: She's in the top 20 most desirable women, and I have not a clue who she is or why she's ranked ahead of ladies who cold smoke her ass. In the bad way. Not like I'd like to smoke the asses of some of those ones I liked before. I meant like a gangster would smoke you cold. Like bust a cap. Shoot you, basically, although I reckon that's pretty harsh imagery for a beauty contest. I guess I'm just upset because I'm not looking at Eva Green or Monical Belluci right now. I should just click the "next" button. Yeah.

11) Halle Berry: I won't rest until the Acadamy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, with the full support of Price-Waterhouse, repossess her Oscar as fraudulent. Bitch can't act. Her Oscar diminishes black people everywhere. Take her Oscar, hop into a time machine, and present it to Angela Bassett for "What's Love Got To Do With It?" Take her Oscar, polish it up, and hand it to Forrest Whittaker this year for "Last King of Scotland." Take her Oscar, and club Will Smith and/or Eddie Murphy with it until he stops being so goddamned smug and starts actually acting/being funny again. Does James Earl Jones have an Oscar? Take hers. She isn't sexy either, so stop trying to convince me otherwise.

10) Elisha Cuthbert: is somewhat sexy, kinda sorta, but that's about it. And it was worth the ten-spot. All those years; all that work; Monica Belluci is staring at her from 8 paces back. Did you people not see "Malena?" She was so hot, they literally beat her to a bearable degree of attractiveness. If you beat Elisha Cuthbert so savagely, she'd just look like Charlize Theron in "Monster." And she still wouldn't bare her breasts, so get over that pipe dream. They don't even look that great clothed, y'know?

9) Angelina Jolie: I'm trying to decide if I'm over it. I wasn't into her during the Black No. 1 & eyeliner days. I kind of dug her in the middle, Billy Bob Thorton, tattooed, crazy inbred chick with a vial of blood days. Now, she's a husband thief serial adoptionist, and I'm not feeling it. If those ads for "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" weren't so appealing, I'd think she'd ascended to Audrey Hepburn levels of chaste sainthood. She's maybe six months older than me, but she feels older.

8) Maria Menounos: Nothing says "authenticity" quite like a former Entertainment Tonight correspondent turned "actor."

7) Shakira: Earlier this week, I discussed in a Video of the Day my oversight of this performer in earlier years. I feel ashamed, as I've had "The One" stuck in my head all week. Also, there's that one picture where she's bending over in the tight, tight pants with the zipper up the back that makes me do naughty things. Ahem, she's a gifted songwriter who melds disparate musical types seemlessly, including Tejano, Middle Eastern influences, and New Wave. Good enough to make me listen to Spanish language music unironically. She didn't even make the list last year. Ask Men where they left their brains.

6) Alessandra Ambrosio: I just don't by this, because real men don't follow the careers of models. They enhance their bedpost stats by sleeping with them whenever possible, but the names themselves are unimportant. It's all about nudging another guy when she's visible, and muttering "I hit it" with a wink. Maybe that double click/suck sound out the side of your mouth, for added effect.

5) Jessica Biel: She's got an excellently toned body and a worldly smile and a career not to be envied, in the long haul.

4) Adriana Lima: What I said about Alessandra Ambrosio-- more a guideline than a rule. You'll sleep with Lima if you can, and you will remember her name. Probably. If you say "Allie Lema," it'll be close enough. Or "the really tan one with the great cans." She should try her hand at acting, so admitting that wouldn't deflate my defense of this blog series so entirely. Back when Milla only had a few acting credits under her belt, she put out an alternative Russian folk album. Lima should try that, but probably not in Russian.

3) Jessica Alba: Remains a guilty pleasure, I'm afraid. She's still not much of an actress, and I don't relate well to her personality, but everything else from the Adriana Lima description holds true. Oink oink.

2) Scarlett Johansson: After many years, tons of magazine covers and even Woody Allen films-- who is Scarlett Johansson to me? The other chick from "Ghost World." The plain looking one with a unpleasantly throaty voice and oversized breasts. Why doesn't Thora Birch have her career? I'd have enjoyed "The Island" a lot better if Thora Birch was in it, and I'd have gotten around to "Match Point" by now. You guys do know that Scarlett can't act her way out of Tom Hanks' nut sack, right?

1) Beyonce: "Crazy In Love" and "Naughty Girl" were such outstanding singles that, when somebody put the whole album on the sound system at my bookstore gig, I was psyched. An hour later, I was ready to fall asleep on my feet. Cashiers were complaining of the same. The entire album after those frontloaded singles is one generic R&B ballad after another. It was like the least impressive Prince b-side strung out over 50 minutes. Also, did I mention she's not Rosario Dawson or Salma Hayek yet?

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