Monday, April 4, 2011

A Frank Review of "Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis" (2005)

The Short Version? The third unrequested sequel to the other franchise spun-off Night of the Living Dead
What Is It? Zombie Action
Who Is In It? Coyote Peter
Should I See It? Maybe



Necropolis is a truly amazing motion picture. Filmed in Romania and the Ukraine on a six million dollar budget, the picture debuted edited on the Sci-Fi Channel before being released with an "R" direct-to-DVD the following year. By all rights, this should have been as big an atrocity as Day of the Dead 2: Contagium, but it is instead an incontestably worthy standard bearer for the Return of the Living sequel series. That is to say that it is mildly enjoyable, with reasonably good production values, some solid bits of gore, a degree of crossover appeal, and is above all entirely adequate.

While the flick sets aside several of the innovations that set Return apart from all the other zombie movies (the undead desiring brains as a temporary analgesic; victims' slow, conscious transformations; the creeps' more decayed state, their being immune to "head shots" or permanent kills of any kind,) there are a surprising number of faithful elements (Trioxin barrels, electricity as a vulnerability, talking zombies (okay, twoish) with familiar personalities, precocious child endangerment, romantic douchebaggery, slumming veteran actor in a major role, etc.) Each movie in the series has made its tweaks and had its idiosyncrasies, so savaging it over being mildly retarded and taking liberties with the rather fluid "lore" seems foolish to me.

The movie is very much a child of the '80s, dumb and filled with cliché. However, it is also conveniently of the now, in that the kids are remarkably proactive, resourceful, and remorselessly kill the shit out of zombies (knowing full well they're irredeemable.) After almost a decade and a half of Resident Evil, there's no dragged out realizations about the dealio, although better aim and fewer nun-chucks should have been brought to bear.

All of the leads are plastic California twentysomethings, just like ROTLD 3 and plenty of other genre examples. I did a web search to see if Peter Coyote had a stroke or in some other way suffered a debilitating ailment to explain his stiff, grimacing, uniformly terrible performance. About half the speaking parts went to the former Soviet block, who are either spectacularly misrepresented as "Latinos" or even more hilariously dubbed very badly. Among the kids, there's a retread of the male lead from ROTLD3 with less personality but ironically more sideburns (John Keefe,) the token black (but he's a computer hacker played by Cory Hardrict,) the exceedingly fuckable "geek" girl with the glasses and very minor overbite (Aimee-Lynn Chadwick,) the also fuckable popular girl (Jana Kramer,) the assholish Mexi-Can (nationality unknown) who still takes care of business (Toma Danila,) the prick who helps start the trouble (Elvin Dandel,) and after the three guys I almost like I'm already bored with this list.

This is definitely one of the most fantastically expository pieces of cinema in memory. I can't recall a single bit of dialogue that wasn't created to serve a specific plot point in the film, and most of the characters are similarly designed for optimal function. My favorite example is the "triple-jointed" gymnast Darque Tan casualty who exists to a) be introduced, b) seduce a security guard c) get killed, d) set up one of the few partially functional humorous/tragic moments. Four notable appearances, by-the-numbers, just like "Hannibal" Smith would have planned it. Sure it's cynical, but I respect its precise application (if not its absence of nudity, the most obvious and natural exploitation of such a character.)

The music is mostly the shambling remains of nü-metal, including an ill-timed Godsmack single recycled from The Scorpion King's soundtrack, and an Alice Cooper tune. There are some attempted jump scares. The make-up is effective enough to get the job done, and there are few okay special effects. The direction is pedestrian and the acting is at the level of a lesser teen drama. It's not really good, the story logic is all its own, and it's not really recommended, but it's far more watchable and much less terrible than you might have heard.


Extras?

  • Animated Menu Remember those? That sure took me back.
  • Trailers Yes.


Saturday, March 26, 2011

nurghophonic jukebox: "Who Is He And What Is He To You?" by Me'Shell NdegéOcello



Written By: Bill Withers
Album: Peace Beyond Passion
Released: 1996 (Withers: 1973)
Single?: #1 on the Billboard Dance chart.

I was going to run the original, but the embed was disabled, and NdegéOcello did a solid cover as a single with an actual video. Done!

Lyrics:
A man we passed just tried to stare me down
And when I looked at you
You looked at the ground

I don't know who he is
But I think that you do
Dadgummit
Who is he, and what is he to you?

Ahh
Something in my heart and in your eye
Tells me he's not someone just passing by
Ahh
And when you cleared your throat
Was that your cue?
Dadgummit
Who is he, and what is he to you?

Ahh now
When I add the sum of you and me
I get confused when I keep coming up with 3
You're too much for one man
But not enough for two
Dadgummit
Who is he and what is he to you?

Well
You tell me men don't have much intuition
Is that what you really thinkin girl
Or are you wishing?
Before you wreck your old home
And searcht another new

Dadgummit
Who is he, and what is he to you?
(x4)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Morning Glories Volume One (2011)

Brian K. Vaughn returns to Runaways! Except he's working under the pen name of "Nick Spencer," and he stole his premise back from Marvel to run at Image, and he couldn't afford as good of an artist.

Morning Glories is about a group of sixteen-year-olds whom the creators clearly want you to want to fuck, between the Justin Bieber MK I-II hair styles and all the gym fit chicks wearing schoolgirl short skirts (no fatty-boom-batty-Girties or pedobait Mollys here.) Instead of being the children of a local demon-worshiping super-villain team, our young protagonists are brought together by a prestigious prep school with a demon-worshiping faculty. They are strategically multicultural and unencumbered by unattractive characters that do not fit modern high school archetypes. Think I Know What You Did At Degrassi High Last Summer. There are... shhhh... seeecrets aplenty, which I'm sure will play out over multiple volumes of the projected hundred issue series.

I tend not to want to give away too much of the initial story. The characters are paper thin, so the whole of the enjoyment of the book is in seeing the plot unfold. There's plenty of scheming that is pretty smart in its execution, and tons of foreshadowing to the scope and depth of a grand conspiracy. Spencer makes some of the more blatant exposition, tired cliché, and forced character moments palatable through high grade snark that helps one to embrace the less savory pieces on the chessboard.

The art by Joe Eisma meets my minimum expectations for this type of story. It isn't bad enough to put me off the book, and is serviceable in presenting the story. It is also chronically rushed, looking like reasonably tight layouts, or the story page equivalent of a competent convention sketch. The artist is unfortunately terrible at depicting acts of violence, looking like doodles of the killing of a math teacher from a bored high school student's notebook. More often than not, it is up to colorist Alex Sollazzo to cover Eisma's ass. The style of the interiors does manages to just barely evoke the pretty covers of Rodin Esquejo, which are not reprinted in this trade paperback. How's that for a "Fuck you Charlie-- buy the separate hardcover cover collection in two years?!" Esquejo is to Jo Chen as Eisma is to the various artists on Runaways and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, with the obvious downgrade in franchises noted.

You might think I'm some huge Brian K. Vaughn fan, but the truth is I only read his books when I get them for free, and only halfway liked the first few Runaways digests. It's just that the parallels are easy to harp on, but I actually think Morning Glories has the stronger and more versatile story engine to run on. Suffice to say, while a lot of this book will be very familiar to genre fans, it steals from high calbre sources, and presents the elements in a reasonable quality fashion. The first collection is a satisfying read unto itself, and at the low introductory price of ten bucks, worth your while to sample.


Friday, March 4, 2011

radio free nurgh

This blog has always been unfocused and never quite what I wanted it to be. I tried it as a daily for a year or so, but never seemed to have the time to juggle all the things I'd have liked to publish. We went from a daily to a few posts monthly, from a relief to a chore. Of late, it's mostly been reviews. I'm trying to keep this blog on the "every three days" schedule pioneered by several of my super-hero blogs, and tackling long moribund sections like Emmanuwednesday. I always wanted more music, and the nurghophonic jukebox has seen a lot more spins lately. It seemed like a good time to revise my index of music posts, incorporating everything into one menu and updating the great many YouTube embeds that have gone dead. As of yesterday, every significant music post has been linked here, and every video proven to work. I hope someone enjoys the tunes besides me...


There is nothing wrong with your internet. Do not attempt to adjust the musical selection. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. We will control the artists. We will control the decade. We can roll the selection, make it unfamiliar. We can change the focus from Merle Haggard to Vandals to Crystal Method. For the next video clip, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear. We repeat: there is nothing wrong with your internet connection. You are about to participate in a sonic adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner ear to... the nurghophonic jukebox.

Ze Greatest Songs Of Mein Time
A progressive "greatest hits" compilation of all the music I love...

"Add It Up" by Violent Femmes (1983)
"Cities in Dust" by Siouxsie And the Banshees (1985)
"Kick Him When He's Down" by The Offspring (1992)
"Midlife Crisis" by Faith No More (1992)
"Skip A Rope" by Henson Cargill (1968)
"Wave Of Mutilation (U.K. Surf)" by the Pixies (1989)

nurghophonic distress
Worst. Fucking. Songs. Ever!!!

"Heartspark Dollarsign" by Everclear (1995)
"One Sided Love" by Mandy Moore (2001)
"Smoke" by Natalie Imbruglia (1997)
"Wannabe" by Spice Girls (1996)

Audio Neurotic Fixation
Albums rarely reviewed, track by track...

Bastards of the Beat [2003] by The Damnwells
Beauty & Crime [2007] by Suzanne Vega
"The Love Symbol Album" [Unnamed, 1991] by Prince
Students of the Unusual Giant-Sized Music Special #1 [2008] by Various Artists

Audio Neurotic Compilation
All Killer, No Filler Artist "Mix Tapes"
Garbage

Discellany
1976 Rolling Stones Black And Blue Comic Book Ad
1989 Pepsi/Madonna "Make A Wish/Like A Prayer" Ad
2001 Aaliyah Album Comic Book Ad

nurghophonic jukebox general selections by song title
"A Little Bit Of Soap" by the Jarmels (1961)
"Ain't She Sweet" by Gene Austin (1927)
"American Made" by Oak Ridge Boys (1983)
"Anything" by Sixpence None the Richer (1997)

"Bernadette" by The Four Tops (1967)
"Black Flag" by King's X (1992)
"Breakin' Dishes" by Rihanna (2007)

"Come Back When You Grow Up" by Bobby Vee (1967)

"Don't Get Around Much Anymore" by Nat King Cole (1957)

"Fake Tales Of San Francisco" by Arctic Monkeys (2006)
"Fashion Freak" by Naked Ape (2005)

"I'm Gonna be a Wheel Someday" by Fats Domino (1959)

"Jungle Fever" by The Chakachas (1972)

"Know Who You Are at Every Age" by Cocteau Twins (1993)

"Leftover Wine" by Melanie (1970)
"Like A Drug" by They Eat Their Own (1990)
"Like A Prayer" by Madonna (1989)

"Maria" by Blondie (1999)
"Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by Crash Test Dummies (1993)
"My Girl Bill" by Jim Stafford (1973)
"My Man" by Fanny Brice (1921)

"No Hard Feelings" by The Bloodhound Gang (2005)
"Nobody Move" by Eazy-E [featuring MC Ren] (1988)

"Phantom 309" by Red Sovine (1967)

"Saturday Saviour" by Failure (1996)
"Sea Legs" by The Shins (2007)
"Sick and Beautiful" by Artificial Joy Club (1997)

"Tall Cans In The Air" by Transplants (2002)
"Teach Me Tonight" by Jo Stafford (1955)

"Undo Redo" by Naked Ape (2006)

"Wait" by The Beatles (1965)
"We Need A Resolution" by Aaliyah [featuring Timbaland] (2001)

ALL Songs By Artist
Aaliyah: "We Need A Resolution" (2001)

Arctic Monkeys: "Fake Tales Of San Francisco" (2006)

Artificial Joy Club: "Sick and Beautiful" (1997)

Gene Austin: "Ain't She Sweet" (1927)

The Beatles: "Wait" (1965)

Blondie: "Maria" (1999)

The Bloodhound Gang: "No Hard Feelings" (2005)

Henson Cargill: "Skip A Rope" (1968)

The Chakachas: "Jungle Fever" (1972)

Cocteau Twins: "Know Who You Are at Every Age" (1993)

Crash Test Dummies: "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" (1993)

Eazy-E: "Nobody Move" (1988)

Everclear: "Heartspark Dollarsign" (1995)

Failure: "Saturday Saviour" (1996)

Faith No More: "Midlife Crisis" (1992)

Fanny Brice: "My Man"

Nat King Cole: "Don't Get Around Much Anymore" (1957)

Fats Domino: "I'm Gonna be a Wheel Someday" (1959)

The Four Tops: "Bernadette" (1967)

Natalie Imbruglia: "Smoke" (1997)

The Jarmels: "A Little Bit Of Soap" (1961)

King's X: "Black Flag" (1992)

Madonna: "Like A Prayer" (1989)

Melanie: "Leftover Wine" (1970)

Mandy Moore: "One Sided Love" (2001)

Naked Ape:
"Fashion Freak" (2005)
"Undo Redo" (2006)

Oak Ridge Boys: "American Made" (1983)

The Offspring: "Kick Him When He's Down" (1992)

Pixies: Wave Of Mutilation [U.K. Surf] (1989)

Red Sovine: "Phantom 309" (1967)

Rihanna: "Breakin' Dishes" (2007)

Jim Stafford: "My Girl Bill" (1973)

Jo Stafford: "Teach Me Tonight" (1955)

The Shins: "Sea Legs" (2007)

Sixpence None the Richer: "Anything"

Siouxsie And the Banshees: "Cities in Dust" (1985)

Spice Girls: "Wannabe" (1996)

They Eat Their Own: "Like A Drug" (1997)

Transplants: "Tall Cans In The Air" (2002)

Bobby Vee: "Come Back When You Grow Up" (1967)

Violent Femmes: "Add It Up" (1983)

Updated:3/2/11

Saturday, February 26, 2011

nurghophonic jukebox: "Teach Me Tonight" by Jo Stafford



Written By: Gene De Paul & Sammy Cahn
Released: 1955 (Written 1953)
Single?: A standard, released by many charting artists, for a highest rank of #2 on Billboard.

This was on one of the many "hits of the '50s" collections I got from my father. The De Castro Sisters scored biggest with it, but I frankly don't think that version holds a candle to Stafford's 1955 take, which made it to #15 on Billboard. Stafford's mature vocals offset the jailbaiting lyrics.

Lyrics:
Did you say (that) I've got a lot to learn
Well don't think I'm trying not to learn
Since this is the perfect spot to learn
Teach me tonight

Starting with the ABC of it
Getting right down to the XYZ of it
Help me solve the mystery of it
Teach me tonight

The sky's a blackboard high above you
And if a shooting star goes by
I'll use that star to write "I love you"
A thousand times across the sky

One thing isn't very clear my love
Should the teachers stand so near my love
Graduation's almost here my love
Teach me tonight

I've played loves scenes in a flick or two
And I've also met a chick or two
But I still can learn a trick or two
Hey teach me tonight

I who thought I knew the score of it
Kind of think I should know much more of it
Off the wall, the bed, the floor of it
Hey teach me tonight

The midnight hours come slowly creeping
When there's no one there but you
There must be more to life than sleeping
Single in a bed for two

What I need most is post graduate
What I feel is hard to articulate
If you want me to matriculate
You'd better teach me tonight

What do you get for lessons
Teach me - come on and teach me
- teach me tonight

Here's a bonus version from Amy Winehouse, made back before she became a meth-head cartoon raccoon:



Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A Frank Review of "Maid in Sweden" (1971)




The Short Version? How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm once they've seen... Stockholm?
What Is It? Softcore Bore
Who Is In It? One-Eye; additional Swedes
Should I See It? No.

"Maid in Sweden tells the story of Inga, a 16-year-old Swedish girl who leaves her rural home to spend a weekend in the Swedish capital. An innocent with no experience, but with prodigious physical attributes, she has a series of romantic adventures as she throws off the frustrations of her small-town environment"

Twenty-one year old Christina Lindberg plays the repressed Swedish schoolgirl with overbearing parents who springs a visit on her independent sister Greta (Monica Ekman.) This pisses off Greta's live-in boyfriend Carsten (Krister Ekman.) Inga unintentionally shows a bit of tit on the train over, then spends the day with her sister. Inga, Greta and Carsten all hit the hash hukkah, then the deeply stoned older sister confesses that she's living in sin. Inga agrees to keep her mouth shut, then it's off to bed. Inga dreams of a couple screwing around in a hall, then two near rapes of her person, one sapphic. None of this is particularly titillating or believable. Inga finally wakes up to spy on her sister having completely unconvincing hippy freakout sex with her boyfriend while their static pelvises are in separate zip codes. Inga eventually returns to her room to motion in the general vicinity of her own genitalia.

The trio go ice skating, because what the fuck else do you do in Sweden besides get high, get laid, and attempt suicide-- all somehow involving god damned snow, hot chocolate, and the Aryan ideal. Carsten acts like a dick, giving Inga a hard time about being a goody-two-shoes. Carsten is convinced by Greta to hook Inga up with a date with his rapist buddy. Next morning, everything's hunky-dory, and we're off on another montage with a softcore porn Eurofag pop vocal score, with bonus bicycling. We're nearly an hour in, and that's all we have to show for it? Heil the hell long is this thing, anyway?

Nighttime is the right time for simulated "artistically" lit cunnilingus where you can't see anything. Sis is worried. Country rock montage walk through the woods. Sneaking back in. Dick boyfriend makes Inga call sis at work to say she's okay. Inga takes a shower. Inga sneaks out on her last night in town to fuck the date rapist one more time. She's a meaty old school Playmate and he's lean and firm for a dude, making for some awkward pauses as the viewer tries to figure out whose ass they're checking out. Inga sneaks back in. Dick boyfriend brings dick to bear against Inga, who accommodates all too quickly. Big sis busts them both in the bathtub. Inga is sent packing.

As I mentioned, there's some artistic posturing, but when the cameraman casts a shadow, craft goes out the window. The acting is bad in that way you only get when you force an entire cast of amateurs to read dialogue in a non-native tongue. Then again, maybe it was all ad-libbed from an outline, because the script couldn't have been longer that a few double-spaced pages. Even the sex scenes are incompetent, the bare minimum standard for this sort of drivel. Only the most die hard fans of Christina Lindberg's anatomy should get near this thing.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

nurghophonic distress #4: "Wannabe" by Spice Girls

Written By: Matt Rowe, Richard Stannard, and the Spice Girls
Released: 1996
Album: Spice
Single?: International chart-topping, record breaking, award winning smash hit.

"Chicks with a list of demands" is a subgenre of pop music that seems to inspire some men to domestic violence. I'm much more forgiving of the indulgence, especially when the songwriting is multifaceted. For instance, Sheryl Crow's "Strong Enough" is really a laundry list of the woman's personality defects and a sincere hope someone will love her through her bullshit. Alanis Morissette's "21 Things I Want in a Lover" is more of a grocery list of desirable attributes, but that doesn't feel so specific that a a professional matchmaker or Mister Sandman will have to bring a dream. TLC's "No Scrubs" may be the most famous example, and is it really so unreasonable to expect a fellow to bring something more to the table than noise when pushing up on full-blown hotties.

"Wannabe" isn't a terrible song because of the nature of the demands. The trouble starts when they tell you what they want... really, really want, about eighty-seven fucking times. I understand the act of talking things out is cathartic to women, no matter how very, very, very trivial the point may be, but men lose a little more of their spirit with each vague request. Just tell me one time what you really, really want, so I can decide whether to tuck it or book it, you indecisive, nagging cunts.

Next I must question the double standards. "If you want my future, forget my past?" Well, I kind of need to know those test results from the free clinic, and that indictment for identity theft makes me uncomfortable, frankly. I'm also wondering when you're going to stop passive-aggressively "teasing" me about my friendship with that one ex of mine. "Get your act together, we can be just fine?" You're the one who demands I "get with your friends," like you can have a relationship independent of some catty, bitter hive mind that never lets up with "what you really, really want," y'know? Also, excuse me, but can you get your fucking song together? I count two versus, one of which is sung by Eliza Doolittle, and a bridge consisting on an onomatopoeia. You can't just sing the same corny, sappy, sing-songy chorus four times and recite the same line five times for an alternating chorus that impacts like a wisdom tooth. That's actually the very worst thing: the fact that I will have "Wannabe" stuck in my head for no less than two hours after each exposure due solely to being beaten into submission by the sheer repetition.



Lyrics:
Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna really
really really wanna zigazag .

If you want my future forget my past,
If you wanna get with me better make it fast,
Now don't go wasting my precious time,
Get your act together we can be just fine.

I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really
really really wanna zigazig ah.

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends, (gotta get with my friends!)
Make it last forever friendship never ends,
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.

What do you think about that, now you know how I feel
Say you could handle my love, are you for real
I won't be hasted, give you a try
If you really bug me, then I say goodbye

Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna I wanna, I wanna really
really really wanna zigazag.

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,(gotta get with my friends!)
Make it last forever friendship never ends,
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give, (You've got to give)
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.



If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,(gotta get with my friends)
Make it last forever friendship never ends,
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,(You've got to give)
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta, you gotta, you
gotta,
you gotta, you gotta
Slam your body down and wind it all around?
Slam your body down and wind it all around.(ha ha ha ha)
Slam your body down and wind it all around.
Slam your body down and zigazig

If you wanna be my lover!

...nurghophiles...

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