A Frank Review of "The Short Films of David Lynch"

WARNING: MOST VIDEO CLIPS
NOT SAFE FOR WORK, including brief full-frontal nudity on "Lumiere"

When I was in my early teens, "Twin Peaks" drew me into the world of David Lynch. It was an odd place with a quirky vibe, but most importantly, I was the type of shit who got off on figuring out things most people don't "get." Well, I got Twin Peaks, and I think I fared well enough with other Lynch oddities like "Eraserhead" and "Wild at Heart." The problem was, with age and increased exposure, I came to realize the emperor had no clothes, and was doing something really weird with that Pez dispenser. Really, all Lynch does is take fairly basic stories, and makes them abstract to near incomprehensibility. Sometimes, the result is intriguing; usually at least a bit frustrating; and it's not uncommon to find wrenching catastrophy. There's some of each present in this collection of works spanning decades.

"Six Men Getting Sick (Six Times,)" Lynch's first film, is like a parody of avant garde cinema from a sketch comedy show. Four minutes of an air raid siren and crude animation, seemingly intended to involve C.I.A. brainwashing or demands to touch Dieter's monkey.



"The Alphabet" is a vast improvement. Nightmarish, yet still with a left-of-center innocence, hallmarks of Lynch's best efforts.



"The Grandmother" starts strong, with Pythonesque animation and German Impressionist creepiness. Also like many a silent era film, it overstays its welcome by miles of tedium.



"The Amputee" is Lynch at his most willfully obtuse, and a waste of time.



"The Cowboy and the Frenchman" is really very silly, as intended, but I do love to see Harry Dean Stanton and Jack Nance again. The goodwill runs out, though. Oh, yeah.



"Lumiere" is like the essence of Lynch's most sucessful productions distilled into 55 seconds.

A Frank Review of "Birth" and "The Invasion"

I really enjoyed Jonathan Glazer's directorial debut, "Sexy Beast," and had high hopes for his follow-up "Birth." Once again, the focus is on an exceptional romantic relationship outside the age range typically found in films. This time though, there was quite a difference, as Nicole Kidman's character is middle-aged, and the potential reincarnation of her first husband is now ten years old. The premise is handled intelligently and tactfully, though Kidman is kind enough to get naked for us once more, mostly outside the boy's presence. The film will keep you guessing, if it manages to hold your interest, which it very well may not. It's all terribly sophisticated in that Adrian Lynne way, but lacks the tawdry bits that keeps audience members from squirming impatiently in their seats. I respect "Birth," but I'll never watch it again, as I spent the running time wishing I was watching "Chances Are" instead. Cameron Bright is a personality void, after all, where Robert Downey Jr. is so damned appealing.

Meanwhile, "The Invasion" stands head and shoulders beneath the three other cinematic depictions of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." It's essentially a love story between a mother and her child, and I mean that in a prurient sense. The only thrill the film contains is a scene where momma Kidman consoles her child after a nightmare in pajamas so sheer her nipples and ass are visible right through the material. The whole movie, Kidman demonizes her ex-husband, who attempts to seperate her from the boy-love of her life, whom she constantly text and video messages. She also fends off the advances of Daniel Craig, which is somewhat understandable, but still. I'm not calling Kidman a Pedobear but perhaps "PedoLemur" wouldn't be too far off the mark? The woman did spend the best years of her life pretending to have sex with a handsome midget man-boy who believes in space aliens that inhabit human bodies, so in that context all this ick makes a sick sort of sense.

It's a good thing I had my WAMBLA Cougar speculation to keep me going, as "The Invasion" plays like a mash-up between Lifetime Network and Sci-Fi Channel original productions. It's estro-riffic, but epically fails to understand what makes a good "Body Snatchers" flick. The first two (a.k.a. "the good ones) were Right Wing paranoid fantasy writ large, and God bless them for their effectiveness. The original warned of Reds under the beds, while the second tried to ward off the rampant Liberalism of the Carter years. My politics are way left of Don Siegel's, but his film works magnificently, as did Philip Kaufman's New Age-skewering remake. The third tried to play to my people with fear of the military-industrial complex, a non-issue in the Clinton years. Today, you could definately equate "Pod People" with Post-9/11 nationalistic jackassery, but this movie tries to run with with SARS. The pussyfooting attempts to straddle the polemic of our times, but like 1993's "Body Snatchers," proves too late to the party to bring the fear.

Kidman tried to affect a Scarlett O'Hara "ah do declare" Georgian accent, but it fades in and out with such regularity, you'd be forgiven for forgetting it entirely. This may be the result of extensive reshoots, which tried to beef up original director Oliver Hirschbiegel's Eurotrash blase with the post-Matric Trilogy bombast of the Wachowski Brothers. There's another "Burley Brawl" of a sort here, and the silliness is so profound as to almosy turn the corner from "so bad" to "good." Not quite, but there be embarrassed amusement here.

Super Runs

A survey of 707 participants in the 13th Annual Trail's End Marathon in Seaside, Oregon, showed a high incidence of gastrointestinal disturbances, predominantly of the lower tract, associated with long-distance running. The urge to defecate, both during and immediately after running, occurred in over a third of runners. Bowel movements (35%) and diarrhea (19%) were relatively common after running, and runners occasionally interrupted hard runs or races for bowel movements (18%) or diarrhea (10%). Lower gastrointestinal disturbances were more frequent in women than in men and in younger than in older runners.

It's sometimes difficult to find that particular image on the web you're looking for, like the demotivational poster of the marathon runner shitting himself. This should help.

Some key moments. Viewer discretion is advised.

Captain America "Patriotism" Inspirational Sign (2005)

I posted the Conservative-leaning "Fortitude" a while back, but decided to save the less pointed "Patriotism" for today. I very much prefer the sentiment expressed here, and I appreciate my Sentinel of Liberty with a welcoming smile on his face, thank you very much. Art's by Ron Garney.

Smelly Brown Paper (Scans of Yore)

T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents Gallery

1940s
1947 All-Negro Comics Ace Harlem Ad

1960s
1962 100 Toy Soldiers $1.25 Ad
1963 "Your Free Trip Around the World!" DC Comics PSA
1964 Batman Silly Putty Ad
1964 "Smoking Is For Squares!" DC Comics PSA
1966 AMT "Grandpa Munster "Digs" The Drag-U-La!" Ad
1966 AMT "Christmas In January from AMT" Ad (1937 Kord Kit)
1966 Mattel "Fright Factory Thingmaker" Ad
1966 Teen Titans Debut Subscription Ad
1966 Tower Comics "Thundering Thrills!" Subscription Ad
1968 Action Comics #360 "You Too Can Play The Game" Supergirl Ad
1968 Aurora "Anzio Beach" Hobby Kit Ad
1968 DC Comics Showcase #73 "Beware The Creeper" House Ad
1968 Mattel Hot Wheels Action Sets Ad
1968 "Marvel Super-Hero T-Shirts only $1.60 Ea." Ad
1968 Revell "BIG MAMIE never lost a man" Model Kit Ad
1968 Tootsie Roll's New-Exciting Swim Toy Ad
1968 Transogram "You Are Under The Spell of Ka-Bala" Ad
1969 DC Fact File #9 [J24]
1969 Monogram "Take A Tijuana Taxi" Model Kit Ad
1969 "THERE'S A NEW KIND OF SUPERMAN COMIN'!" DC House Ad

1970s
"Clint" by Boris Vallejo
1970s Monster S-I-Z-E Monsters Ad
1970 8MM Motion Picture Projector Only $6.98 Complete Ad
1970 Marvel Comics "Super Poster Offer"
1970 Moon-Blob with Moonglow Ad
1970 Monogram "Snoopy Strikes Again" Ad
1970 National Periodical Publications Movie Posters Ad
1970 "So You Want To Be A Cartoonist?" By Joe Kubert" [K-316]
1971 Marvel Comics Marvelmania Super Poster Offer
1972 "1000 'Day-Glo' Decals Only $1.00" Ad
1972 "Get These Dynamite Embroidered Patches That Tell It Like It Is! Now Only 69¢" ad
1974 Mego Marvel Ad: Falcon, Hulk, Green Goblin & the Lizard
1975 G.P. Exports "Learn The Secret Powers of the Deadliest Killers in the Orient" Ad
1975 Marvel Comic Con Ad
1975 Super Tee Shirts Iron-On Transfers Ad
1976 "Just For You... Our Magnificent Marvel Goodies!" Ad
1976 NCG Merchandise DC Comics Super-Hero T-Shirts Ad
1976 Rolling Stones Black And Blue Comic Book Ad
1977 Marvel Comics "Subscribe!" Ad
1977 Marvel Comics "Superheroes Assemble" Subscription Ad
1977 NCG Merchandise "Help A Hero.." Ad
1978 Slim Jim "Satisfy Your Meat Tooth" Dracula Ad

1980s
Nick Fury, Black Widow and La Contessa Valentina Allegra de Fontaine by Paul Gulacy
1981 Amazing Heroes #6 Kevin Nowlan Doom Patrol Pin-Up
1981 JLA/JSA George Pérez Pin-Up (Justice League of America #195)
1981 Nautilus Dreams The Sorcerer Graphic Novel Ad
1982 "...a little head!" Bong Ad
1982 Amazing Heroes "The Secrets of NoMan" Page
1982 Remco Toys Action Figures Ad
1982 Revell Power Lords Ad
1983 Kitty's Kostume Korner (Uncanny X-Men #168)
1983 Marvel Comics Warlock #2 Back Inside Cover Illustration by Jim Starlin
1983 Superman Peanut Butter Action Comics #1 Reprint Ad
1984 Black Canary Postcard by George Pérez
1984 The Elongated Man Postcard by George Pérez
1984 "First Choice: Don't Settle For Second Best" Subscription Ad
1984 First Comics Tim Truman Ad
1984 Hawkman Postcard by George Pérez
1984 The Martian Manhunter Postcard by George Pérez
1984 Star Comics Royal Roy House Ad
1984 Star Comics Top Dog House Ad
1984 Star Comics Wally the Wizard House Ad
1984 Sword of the Atom insert
1984 Zatanna Postcard by George Pérez
1985 Batman quits the Outsiders
1985 Booster Gold debut house ad
1985 CBS Saturday Morning Cartoons Comic Book Ad
1985 DC Comics Robert Bloch Hell On Earth Adaptation Ad
1985 DC Spotlight #1
1985 Marvel Age Annual #1 Dreadstar Preview Art by James P. Starlin
1985 Mayfair Games DC Heroes Role Playing Game Ad
1985 Mayfair Games DC Heroes Role Playing Game New Teen Titans Ad
1985 Pineapple Glow In The Dark Posters 3 For $3.00 Ad
1985 Vanth Dreadstar by Jim Starlin
1985 Vixen Origin
1985 Who's Who Vol.IV: Captain Comet (6/85)
1986 Adam Warlock by Craig Hamilton
1986 Challenge of the GoBots Comic Book Ad
1986 Comico & Graphitti Designs Mage T-Shirt Ad
1986 DC Comics Aquaman Mini-Series Ad
1986 DC Comics "The Batman... You Only Think You Know Him" Ad
1986 DC Comics Blue Devil/Firestorm Crossover Ad
1986 Elvira Mistress of the Dark T-Shirt Ad
1986 Eclipse Comics "The Shape Of Things To Come" Two Page Ad
1986 Matt "Daredevil" Murdock and Natasha "Black Widow" Romanoff by Paul Gulacy
1987 DC Comics Who's Who Update '87 Vol.4: Minutemen
1987 DC Comics Who's Who Update '87 Vol.5: Watchmen Pin-Up
1987 DC Comics Who's Who Update '87 Vol.5: Watchmen Text
1987 Eclipse Comics Valkyrie! Pin-Up by Brent Anderson
1987 Eclipse Comics Valkyrie! Pin-Up by Brian Bolland
1987 Eclipse Comics Valkyrie! Pin-Up by William Stout
1987 Epic Comics "The New Alien Legion" Ad
1987 Epic Comics "Video Jack" Ad
1987 Marshal Law Promotional Sticker
1987 Watchmen RPG Module 227 Front & Back Covers
1988 Epic Comics "Doctor Zero" Ad
1988 Epic Comics "The Light And Darkness War" Ad
1988 Epic Comics "Powerline" Ad
1988 Epic Comics "St. George" Ad

1990s
Daredevil and Black Widow by Paul Gulacy
Golden Age Green Lantern by Gil Kane
1990s The Keep Overpower CCG Captain America: Heroes Reborn Character Card
Supergirl by Kevin Nowlan
1990s Vanth Dreadstar and Syzygy Darklock Convention Sketch by Angel Medina
1990 Captain Comet Sketch by Steve Lightle
1990 James O'Barr's The Crow against barbed wire
1991 Amazing Heroes #197 Wonder Woman cover by Brian Bolland
1991 Amazing Heroes #192 X-Men Cover
1991 Marvel Comics Jim Lee Omega Red Concept Sketches
Part 1, Part 2
1991 Marvel Comics Jim Lee Punisher/Nick Fury Graphic Novel Panel
1991 Tundra Publishing "Violent Cases" Ad
1991 Who's Who in the DC Universe Update #8 Captain Comet Profile

1991 Who's Who In The !mpact! Comics Universe Binder Cover
1992 Amazing Heroes #202: Aborted Titans/Nightwing Plans
1992 Amazing Heroes #202: Jim Lee Sketch
1992 New Titans/Pantha Unpublished Cover by Tom Grummett
1993 Advance Comics The Sandman Holiday Wish List Postcard by P. Craig Russell
1993 The Creators Universe Starwing and Nightfire Trading Cards
1993 DC Comics Who's Who in the DC Universe Update #2 Bloodwynd Profile
1993 Marvel Masterpieces Jim Steranko Triptych
1993 Valiant Comics Postcard No. 3 (Shadowman)
1994 Marvel Comics Pepsi Prisma Cards
1994 Marvel Pepsi (Mexico) Quicksilver Hologram #1
1995 DC Comics Legion of Super-Heroes/Superboy Promo Card
1995 DC Pepsi Cards (Mexico)
1995 Vertigo "Preacher" Promotional Flier
1996 Mr. Mind's Venusian Decoder Card
1997 Just Comics Merry Xmas Suicida Private Commission
1997 Wizard Magazine Holiday Present Tags
1998 Xavier Institute For Higher Learning Diploma

2000s
Red Wolf by Christopher Tyner
Sal Velluto Black Panther Sketch
2001 Aaliyah Album Comic Book Ad
2001 African-American Super-Heroes Commission by Paul Ryan
2001 "No Justice, No League!" (Deep Fried #4)
2002 Green Arrow "Ollie's Stupendous Chili Recipe (Just Like Mom used to make!)" Pin-Up
2004 George Pérez Taskmaster/ Deathstroke Commission
2005 Captain America "Fortitude" Inspirational Sign
2005 Captain America "Patriotism" Inspirational Sign
2005 Crisis on Infinite Earths: The Absolute Edition cover by George Pérez
2005 Dreadstar & Company by Jim Starlin and Alan Weiss
2005 Palindromes Lobby Card
2006 Superman Convention Sketch by Jae Lee
2006 Valkyrie! Sketch by Ryan Sook
2007 Valkyrie! Sketch by Michael Bair
2008 Red Wolf & Lobo Commission by Timothy Truman
2008 Thanos Commission by Walt Simonson
2008 Wonder Woman Commission by Mark Texeira
2009 Red Wolf and Lobo Commission by John Byrne
2010 Professor Arnold Hugo & Marco Xavier Convention Pieces by Humberto Ramos & David Malki!
2010 Zook Convention Piece by Ethan Van Sciver

Stuff Magazine
2001 Stuff Volume 2, Number 13: "Why?"
2001 Stuff Volume 2, Number 16: Meet Rat Bear
2002 Stuff Volume 2, Number 18: Clown Wisdom
2001 Stuff Volume 2, Number 19: Chicken Taunts
2001 Stuff Volume 2, Number 21: Clown Woes
2002 Stuff Volume 5, Number 1: Disturbing Duckie
2002 Stuff Volume 5, Number 2: Duck Ahoy!
2002 Stuff Volume 5, Number 3: The Conspiratorial Clown
2002 Stuff Volume 5, Number 4: Finicky Frog
2002 Stuff Volume 5, Number 5: A Capricious Clown
2002 Stuff Volume 5, Number 7: A Soon-To-Be-Dirty Clown
2002 Stuff Volume 5, Number 11: A Ram Whore

Current as of 11/6/11

Rotten Tomatoes' 25 Best Action Movie Heroines

Rotten Tomatoes' Total Recall: The 25 Best Action Heroines of All Time

Who’s the toughest of them all? We count down to the best rock ‘em, sock ‘em lady of all time.

I like lists like these when they're not compiled by idiots and serve some purpose. Which studio head was it again who swore off female leads in action movies based on the failure of that Jodie Foster vigilante movie (nevermind Kevin Bacon's fared as bad the same year?) Too often though, the online magazines spread their lists over a ridiculous number of pages to make sure you view as many ads as possible )just click the link.) Here's the short version...

25. Famke Janssen (X-Men 1-3; GoldenEye)
24. Demi Moore (G.I. Jane; Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle)
23. Linda Hamilton (Terminator 1-2)
22. Natasha Henstridge (Species 1-2; John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars; She Spies)
21. Lucy Liu (Payback; Charlie's Angels 1-2; Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever; Kill Bill: Vol. I )
20. Jennifer Garner (Alias; Daredevil; Elektra; The Kingdom)
19. Anne Parillaud (Innocent Blood; Shattered Image; La Femme Nikita)
18. Angela Mao (Enter the Dragon; Stoner)
17. Hilary Swank (The Next Karate Kid; Million Dollar Baby)
16. Brigitte Nielsen (Red Sonja; Beverly Hills Cop 2)
15. Carrie-Anne Moss (The Matrix Trilogy)
14. Kara Hui (8 Diagram Pole Fighter; New Tales of the Flying Fox; My Young Auntie)
13. Tura Satana (Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!)
12. Zhang Ziyi (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; Rush Hour 2; Hero; House of Flying Daggers)
11. Cynthia Rothrock (Martial Law; China O'Brien)
10. Kate Beckinsale (Underworld 1-2; Van Helsing)
09. Michelle Rodriguez (S.W.A.T.; Resident Evil; Girlfight)
08. Zoe Bell (Death Proof; lead stuntwoman on Kill Bill & Xena)
07. Sigourney Weaver (Aliens Tetralogy*)
06. Grace Jones (Vamp; Conan the Destroyer; A View to a Kill)
05. Milla Jovovich (Resident Evil Trilogy; Ultraviolet; The Fifth Element)
04. Uma Thurman (Kill Bill; The Avengers; Batman and Robin)
03. Angelina Jolie (Tomb Raider 1-2; Mr. and Mrs. Smith; Wanted)
02. Pam Grier (Coffy; Foxy Brown; John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars)
01. Michelle Yeoh (Tomorrow Never Dies; Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; Yes, Madam)

My own thoughts? Linda Hamilton should have been in the top ten, and possibly even the top five. Her transformation of Sarah Conner in "Terminator 2: Judgement Day," proved finally to American audience that women could be hard as a coffin nail. There were many heroines before her, and some did very well, but all tended to be a bit soft, either through mothering or sexuality or some other thing. Hamilton was the first to my mind to prove her gender need not have a "but..." when badassery** is being considered.

I've seen Natasha Henstridge play tough a number of times, and never bought it once. Might as well throw Halle Berry or Keira Knightly in there as well. Kate Beckinsale? Get the fuck out of here! Only goths bought into that boring-ass Underworld wire-fu bullshit!

Speaking of Berry, shouldn't anyone who ever played Catwoman be on this list? Michelle Pfeiffer especially?

We get the stuntwoman who doubled for Xena, but not Lucy Lawless? What part of "Warrior Princess" did you miss?

Not a single Whedonverse entry? Buffy? Chloe? Bueller?

Carrie Fisher?

Hillary Swank is way too high. Jennifer Garner could take her, and she weighs about 120 lbs. wet. Brigitte Nielsen is also too high, considering how much of her qualification comes from "Red Sonja?" Shouldn't Sybil Danning be on here, by that measure?

Considering who made the list, where is Geena Davis for "The Long Kiss Goodnight" and even "Cutthroat Island?" Rene Russo? Rosario Dawson?

I acknowledge Hong Kong and Japan were way ahead of the curve in ass-kicking chicks, which explains the heavy Asian presence. Still, they're so tiny! I only count two black girls and one Latina on the whole list. In my experience, you place your money on either against any other race in a girlfight. Represent!

Where are the big girls? Since when does extreme dieting help in a fight?

I'm glad Milla made the top five, but I see her taking Jolie, Grier, and giving the Bride a run.

*Attention 20th Century Fox: I am aware from your news division that you both make shit up as it suits you and are on a active campaign to make Americans more ignorant than third world nations. Fuck you very much for introducing to stupid Americans the non-word "quadrilogy. Bastards.

**Also not a word, but you know what is? "Pedantic."

A Frank Review of "The Gathering" (2002) and "Dark Corners" (2006)

"The Gathering"(Produced 2002, USA Direct-To-DVD 2007)
The Short Version? An American amnesiac in haunted England
What Is It? Supernatural "Thriller"
Who's In It? Christina Ricci and Ioan Gruffudd.
Should I See It? No.

"Dark Corners" (2006)
The Short Version? Which Is Reality-- a happy couple plagued by nightmares, or a brutalized woman escaping a dystopic realm?
What Is It? Psychological Horror.
Who's In It? Thora Birch.
Should I See It? Yes.

Christina Ricci and Thora Birch have a good deal in common. They were both precocious child actresses who sidestepped the usual pitfalls of entering adult roles. Both accomplished this by gaining weight and appearing in promising independent features that played up their still-present sex appeal. Both then drop ridiculous amounts of weight and critical value to star in more commercial fare. Both also have disproportionately large heads and weird eyes that make them look elven. Still, I would have sex with either of them, or both at once, as the opportunity presented itself.

That last fact had a good deal to do with my having seen the movies I'm reviewing today, a pair of horror films that sat on shelves unreleased for years until 2006, with a cumulative Tomatometer rating of 20% (though in "Dark Corners" case, its 6 2/3rds negative posted reviews were insufficient to rate on the meter at all.) You see, I have issues with child stars. Many of the ones from my generation blossomed nicely (Alyssa Milano, Drew Barrymore, Soleil Moon Frye,) but I could never get Punky Brewster or Tony's daughter Samantha out of my mind to generate an appropriate degree of lust for any of them. Too icky, y'know? I guess the precocious thing got me over my hang-up, but in turn leads me to watch really bad movies to ogle the pair. Of girls. Perverts. Kindred.

Now, Ricci broke away from the pack by becoming a sort of jailbait Parker Posey, appearing in a shitload of arthouse movies that gave her credibility, even though they typically ranged from adequate ("No Vacancy") to unbearable ("Buffalo 66.") What sets "The Gathering" apart is that it isn't very artsy, though it seems to aspire above its station. I would say it was like a very long, very dry PBS documentary with droning narration, but I don't feel that does the film justice. It's more like one of the lectures piped in from a local college after hours, but one that's especially uninteresting. Part of the resemblance is that the pace is so plodding, almost all motion appears to halt at times, like when the lecturer appears in a window box next to a static image from the overhead projector. I gave a copy of this movie to a co-worker, and for weeks he told me of his progress through the movie, before succumbing at every attempt to slumber. We parted company after a few months, so I don't know that he ever finished it.

I have trouble telling you much about the story of either movie I'm reviewing today. The premise of "The Gathering" is the whole film, while the fun of "Dark Corners" is trying to figure out what the frig it's about. One thing that's true of both movies is that they would have worked better as installments of an anthology television series. Birch's would have been one of the better "Masters of Horror." Whichever one ran a half hour ("The New Twilight Zone" or "Outer Limits" maybe?) could have cut Ricci a check. It would have been worth it, as the former Wednesday Adams now fills out a sweater and too-tight blue jeans very nicely, with the only other draw being Ioan Gruffudd, a damned handsome man. Maybe it's because Mister Fantastic is such a douchebag, or because Jessica Alba somehow managed to wear even tighter and less clothing than Ricci in the Fantastic Four movies, but I never noticed how worthy Gruffudd could be of a man-crush if my very preoccupied heterosexuality weren't so distracting during his movies.

For those who must have things ruined for them, Ricci plays an amnesiac blond American, because she can't do accents, hiking through some English village. She's temporarily adopted by the family whose running her down with their car caused the memory lapse. The father is an archeologist or something, connected to the Catholics through the uncovering of some (literally) underground ancient unholy church of evil, where the film opens with a gory death. Woo-boogey-boogey. Attempts at scary atmospherics yield a widespread dull, with occasional sprinkles of excessive gore. Also, lots of creepy old people and children staring while the heroine trips out on nightmarish visions. Cue invisotext: Turns out all those voyeurs got their rocks off on Jesus' crucifixtion, and are cursed to walk the earth forever, travelling from one large scale attrocity after another to play witness. Ricci was one of them, but forgot, and reclaimed her soul by sacrificing herself to avert a disaster. As you might imagine, the ending sorta-kinda puts what was viewed previously in a new perspective, but not really, because it sucks just as bad reheated.

Having seen more Thora Birch movies than most people, and given my tendency to compare her to Christina Ricci, I suspect the former is both smarter and more fucked-up the the latter. I'm all about bright and neurotic, especially when tied to an eating disorder, making Birch aces in my book. Birch hasn't had anywhere near the commercial success or recognition Ricci has, because she chooses more challenging scripts for lower budgets and no reward beyond a higher quality of work. There's no doubt that Birch is the better actress, and "Dark Corners" is the better movie. However, stop me if you've heard this one before: Birch plays a blond American with a variety of disorders in a movie that opens with a gory murder in a church. Attempts at scary atmospherics yield highly derivative visuals executed amateurishly, with occasional sprinkles of excessive gore. Also, lots of creepy old people and children staring while the heroine trips out on nightmarish visions.

But wait, it gets better! Well, not the direction, which would have been a valiant first effort on a tight budget if the director were not a veteran of several films over a dozen years. While her love interest, Christien Anholt, isn't as pretty as Ioan Gruffudd. However, he actually has a personality and some acting skill, even if the Brit seems to have modelled his look and accent off Josh Hartnett. "Dark Corners," despite often lapsing into the production values of a TBS original series, has periods of real tension and is disorienting in a manner admittedly modelled after better J-horror. There are many disturbing visuals, and it holds the viewers' attention right up until the end. Unlike "The Gathering," I won't be posting the trailer to this movie after the review, because its a dish best served cold.

It spoils nothing to point out that Birch plays a dual role, and sells it very well. There is a lighting gimmick, basically a clumsy swipe of "The Sixth Sense's" use of red, that helps differentiate between the two worlds Birch inhabits. It was completely unnecessary, as she so skillfully set apart two souls in one skin. Birch has developed noticable smile lines on her face for such a young age, and I've never seen her play one character so cheerful, if hardly unaffected, for such an extended period of time. It makes me hopefully she's like Jennifer Jason Leigh, seeking out damaged roles far removed from her more sedate existence. Meanwhile, her second part is a character so consistenly and savagely brutalized, there's a unshakable numbness about her I've seen on women who've survived similar circumstances. It is at times hard to watch, but Birch is always believable, and possessed of beauty than contrasts one world, while being complimented by another.

Again, "Dark Corners" has a great many flaws and some cheese, plus it owes a great deal to a variety of sources. It can be frustrating, runs too long, and must be forgiven a lot to allow for its closing to stand. Even without the trailer, there's some heavyhanded telegraphic that ruins any surprise to be found in the last minutes. Depending on how far you're willing, I think these issues can be overcome by a selectively descriminating audience. I expect anyone who enjoyed "The Hole," a similarly troubling Birch movie, might find quite a bit to like here. A cautious recommendaion for your NetFlix queue.

Everything Worth Seeing in "The Gathering":